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Mystic Star Cream
067a04
I was bored, so I asked Trout if I could do anything for him, because that's my hobby. He said yes! This is what I did for him:
~Beginning~
This isn't a story you should read without checking with your physician (if you can afford one, hippie.) but it is a story you should definitely read, make no mistake about that. Your physician will probably tell you it's cured several forms of venereal disease, and that is a fact. If you take these words to any place of religion, that religion will immediately be disproven. All the followers of that religion will immediately implode and the floor beneath you will do likewise, slivering up into your mouth and down into your lungs, frantically and fruitlessly wishing to be closer to these perfect words, as if searching for the soul it will never have. This is not humor. This is fact.
It began centuries ago. My great-grandfather told me about a guy he knew who told him it was true, and my great-grandpappy was a saint, so zip your lips and listen to the story. They say, a long time ago, that we lived on a planet where fantastic things were possible. Magic, spirits, crucifixion, it was all possible. All beautiful. Except for one thing, which all humans feared and hated.
Dragons.
They terrorized us, stealing our food and wealth for their own foul benefit, carrying on with their eerie sexual exploits and nightmarish nightmare-thingies, I don't know, they did bad stuff, okay? But there was one particular baddie, known as Lord Grentonis, who was actually a lady, and who actually wasn't too bad at all. Ethically, that is.
One day, a terrible day, a friendly neighborhood rapeknight came a-knockin' on Grennie's door. Well, really, dragons don't have doors, but you know what I mean. Her cave-opening thingy. That. He took Grentonis down, had his way with her, and left to go about his business without so much as a thank-you-kindly. Grennie was hurt, but she had the willpower to go on, with the help of her brave and powerful friend, the fearsome dragon Boaga.
The two of them, seeking justice, set out on an excellent adventure across the Old World, bringing tales of not-bad dragon attitudes to the world and helping out wherever they could. When they finally confronted that bastard-making rapeknight, they had damn-near the whole world by their side, including many dragons which had been convinced that man and drake could live side-by-side with minimal gouging, a philosophy unknown until that day.
They had the rapeknight, or so they thought. But the beast, so confident in his capability to rape, simply laughed them off, and revealed the secret behind his identity, and what a crazy secret it was! He claimed that his 'armor' was actually a suit designed for surfing between planets, and he had set out from a distant world with a plan to rape the universe, and that the Old World was to be his latest plaything. No one could destroy him, he said. He had SPESS on his side!
Well, I'll tell you that Grennie and Boaga didn't like that, no sirree. An epic battle ensued, the forces of the Old World against one silly little intergalactic rapist. It was a tough battle, but soon they had him on his knees, and Grennie and Boaga decided to show him some of his own medicine.
They put the flaccid prisoner in a tower, where every citizen of the world could come to, well, come. The Old World had their way with the alien intruder, one person at a time. But then, one year since his incarceration began, when Grennie and Boaga, now lovers, came to 'visit' him for the latest of many times, he laughed just as madly as he had before.
He roared that he had been collecting power all this time, making deals with the darkest devils of the Old World for one last great hurrah. He had penetrated the planet's core, making it another one of his victims, and planned to destroy the planet. There was a great shaking then, as the Old World began to tear itself apart.
The rapeknight then attempted to blast off, like a non-sexual rocket, but Grennie and Boaga gathered the greatest mages in the world quick-like, and sealed the city where the rapeknight's tower was kept into a gigantic diamond bubble. Undeterred, the slivering slob continued his ascent, and the citizens of the city watched as they left their dying world behind to explode, tears in their eyes (well, for the ones that had eyes).
Soon, they had approached the rapeknight's planet, a glimmering green-and-blue paradise planet. As they began to crash into its atmosphere, Grennie and Boaga faced the rapeknight one last time, and, ignoring the monster's screams, gave him the most powerful (and last) rape of his life. Overcome, he exploded into pieces, which were soundly eaten by the dragons, who struck a victory pose.
The city landed safe and sound, but then things began to happen. Ghosts vanished. Magic died. This new world was not like the Old World (fancy that), and it had new rules to boot. The fantastic creatures could not live on this new planet, and had to leave to find a new home in the cosmos. Grennie, Boaga, and all the other dragons gave a heartfelt goodbye and one last magical orgy to the humans, who appeared unaffected by the new world, and then flew up, up, and away into the night sky.
As our ancestor's watched, the dragons looked like birds in the sky, then like flies, until they were gone for reals. Even dragons could not survive in space, I'm afraid, and it seemed they were doomed to die terrible deaths, but then something wondrous happened; the fire within them left their bodies, and their souls followed suit. The dragonfires became the stars, giving life to countless worlds, and warmth to all. If you ever wish to see Grennie and Boaga now, simply look up, for they have been with you all along, their love burning as bright as the sun. Literally.
We named our new world 'Earth', and so it has been.
Well, that's what my great-grandpappy said he heard happened, anyway.
Admittedly, he'd been hitting the booze a bit hard in his old age, but it's real, I tell you. It's real!
~End~
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