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File 144479948424.png - (192.71KB , 809x565 , f01.png )
676346 No. 676346 ID: defceb

You are a wizard’s familiar.

“Familiar! Familiar, I have a very important job for you today.”

Today your wizard has a very important job for you to do.

“Familiar, I’m lonely. Find me someone to love.”
Expand all images
>>
No. 676347 ID: 799984

This again? Alright, alright, roll over and spread em.
>>
No. 676348 ID: f56624

As a Weaver-model personal golem, I am required to inform you I cannot feel love, only mild attachment.
>>
No. 676349 ID: 1f8505

Acknowledge request and head to the nearest real doll retailer.
>>
No. 676351 ID: 72c7be

Not so fast, you haven't even told me if you like boys or girls. Or both. Or neither.

Or wizards or knights. Or both. Or neither.

Or princesses or dragons. Or both. Or neither.

We need more information.
>>
No. 676352 ID: 5ad4a7

>>676346
Do you have any preferences, Master?
>>
No. 676357 ID: defceb
File 144480179238.png - (72.87KB , 515x403 , f02.png )
676357

“This again? Alright, alright, roll over and spread em.”

“Not tonight. I want some to love me in the emotional way!”

“As a weaver-model familiar I’m obligated to tell you that I can’t feel love, only mild attachment.”

“But I’m lonely!”
>>
No. 676358 ID: defceb
File 144480180358.png - (127.02KB , 697x600 , f03.png )
676358

“I can go find a real-doll maker-”

“I want a person! Someone who a living, breathing, thinking person! Though that can be stretched if they’re reasonably attractive, I guess.”

“Any preferences?”

“Anyone will do! Any wizard or knight, dragon or princess. Gods know how many knights I’ve dated before.”
>>
No. 676359 ID: f56624

"Aight, let's put out a personal on wizardnet then. Then you can send me to gauge whether they are actually worth the attention of you and by extension me when you inevitably bring me in to spice up the experience."
>>
No. 676360 ID: 799984

Make a magic clone of yourself.
>>
No. 676361 ID: c1796a

"Aiaiai, this is serious, master! Your predicament requires a paladin dedicated to a goddess of love. Only one such as he could love a wizard such as you."
>>
No. 676362 ID: 5ad4a7

>>676358
Alright where's the nearest magical communication network? We can totally sign up for tons of magical dating services.
>>
No. 676369 ID: ad936f

>>676360
MY OWN CLONE!
>>
No. 676371 ID: a107fd

Head on down to the nearest major settlement, announce that the curse can only be lifted when your master finds true love, and specify times when she's available for courtship activities.

If they ask what curse you're talking about, just vaguely allude to "all those bad things that have been happening" like it should be obvious. Handled right, townspeople will come up with something appropriate to motivate themselves, and give you credit.
>>
No. 676374 ID: 2ccbb3

Drive your master insane until she forms a split personality. Have her date herself.

That should buy you enough time to get her a real date.
>>
No. 676378 ID: 284bd4

OK, You're going to have to kidnap her. You can meet tons of knights that way.
>>
No. 676379 ID: b5b419

>>676358
"Order confirmed: Locating nearest Alchemist."
>>
No. 676380 ID: 2738e2

Leave your poor master alone for now, and go check the papers for any high-profile kidnappings, invasions, rampaging monsters, or other such potential love material.

Take a lock of your master's hair with you to either give away as a lover's memento or to use as a DNA sample, depending on what turns out to be available.
>>
No. 676385 ID: 15fae4

Search for the nearest available Dragon and feign a kidnapping and commence operation REVERSE STOCKHOLM SYNDROME.

Humans will only let you down. You need a Dragon that will outlive you and treasure you as a part of it's hoard forever.
>>
No. 676386 ID: 89941a

Just summon someone fitting. Get off yer lazy butt.
>>
No. 676387 ID: defceb
File 144481375347.png - (201.85KB , 776x708 , f04.png )
676387

“What about a clone? You could date yourself?”

“Why would I want to date me? I’m gross.”

“Um… I could go to a nearby village, and say that the curse can only be lifted by finding your true love?”

“Didn’t we do that last year? And then the wizard who actually cursed them came in and burned my house down.”

“Wizardnet dating? I could make you a profile.”

“Been there, done that. All the wizardnet people just want to talk about my crystal balls. That’s not a euphemism, by the way. They just want my scrying tools.”

“Kidnapping?”

“Brilliant! I haven’t been rescued from a tower in ages! Ohhh, that always brings the cutest knights~” They sweep you up and hold you close to their chest. “But who should we call? I think that lich still owes me a favor. Or what about a dragon? They know how to decorate a tower and I’m sure I could trade something for a kidnapping. Didn’t we meet an outsider at a party that one time, too? I think I still have their number.”
>>
No. 676388 ID: 89941a

>>676387
I'm afraid you got it the other way around. I was suggesting for you to kidnap someone.
>>
No. 676389 ID: 15fae4

>>676387

No, this is PERFECT. Get to a Dragon's place. Don't tell her that she's actually gonna fall in love with the Dragon and not some lame-o Princess I've Come For You knight.
>>
No. 676390 ID: 15fae4

>>676389

ADDENDUM: WeavFamiliar, you've undoubtedly collected some favours in your time in this fantasy world. Call in a Dragon to help. Even if they don't like the Wizard, her lifespan is like nothing to them, acting like they're in love isn't even really a chore.

Now, step 1: Get the Dragon to kidnap Wizard
Step 2: send knight to rescue Wizard under pretense that she is Wizard Princess, since Knights are always down to rescue and marry a Princess
Step 3: When the Knight finds out Wizard is just a regular Wizard, he'll be disappointed and storm off, leaving Wizard heartbroken
Step 4: Dragonbro comes in to comfort her. Hopefully he's fallen in love with her, but if not, he must deploy Dragon acting.
Step 5: Wizard is drawn into the warm embrace of Dragonbro, falls in love.

Mission accomplished. Familiarin' ain't easy, but someone's gotta do it.
>>
No. 676393 ID: edf2ea

>>676390
But wouldn't the revelation come after the Dragon is slain?

And the idea for dragon boyfriend is just...Dragons have 300% chance of being slain sooner or later.

Plus, who told you that wizards live normal human lifespans? they have MAGIC to keep them young and long-lived.

Call her lich friend to help her attract a paladin or something. I mean, smiting evil undead and rescuing a damsel in distress is kind of their MO. Hopefully, it won't be one of those with vows of chastity.
>>
No. 676395 ID: 46df9e

Nah, we don't have to worry about the Dragon getting slain. Why would someone fake kidnap you as a favor if there was any risk of getting killed for it? Plus Liches only abduct virgins for sacrifice, and I don't think anyone's going to buy her being a virgin...err because she's so lovely.
>>
No. 676397 ID: 799984

Trade your butt for a fake kidnapping. It's win/win.
>>
No. 676405 ID: d4cfd6

>Why would I want to date me? I’m gross.
I don't think that's the description or attitude you want to put in your dating profile, mistress.

>>676387
What if you mix it up: get kidnapped by a knight so someone else has to rescue you? Knights usually have towers or castles to lock people in.

...and if rescue doesn't happen, maybe you can work something out with the dark knight.

Don't forget your give-yourself-a-dick potion, just in case whoever rescues you is into that.
>>
No. 676413 ID: edf2ea

Mistress, why do you think you are gross? According to my analysis, you should be in the "aesthetically pleasing" spectrum - 'cute' being the exact specification.

Hold on...I have been called cute as well. Am I gross? Is my existence a lie?
>>
No. 676418 ID: 2ccbb3

Sell the deception, steal directly from an asshole dragon until you get caught and let the champions duke it out.
>>
No. 676427 ID: cab7d6

Like you said, knights are overdone. Let's get abducted by ALIENS and meet cool space-knights!
>>
No. 676428 ID: 5256d3

You know you guys are making this way too complicated. You keep trying to involve all these other people when it could just be us. The only thing we need in order to provide what she wants is to be a real person. Let's just go find ourselves the most convenient means of having a wish granted available and go all Pinochio on her ass.
>>
No. 676432 ID: edfee3

Couldn't you go and rescue some damsel in distress instead? Seems like there'd be plenty around, waiting for knights in shining armor. Or wizards.
>>
No. 676434 ID: af5b01

Okay, hold on, bear with me a moment, I have an idea.

What, if, right

Just for the sake of experimentation

You get kidnapped by a brave and handsome heroic knight

And we see who tries to rescue you then? Or... kidnap you, if the hero/villain positions are being reversed.

Yeah, see, what we do is, we say that the person who can win your heart gains a great and terrible power, so a heroic knight or order of knights locks you away to keep any villainous characters from wooing you.

How does that sound?
>>
No. 676442 ID: 47927a

How about you hold a tournament. A sexy tournament. Winner gets to be your true love.
>>
No. 676445 ID: 2eeb65

>>676387
Crystal balls or GTFO

Seriously, though, fuck those Knights and Princes. Find yourself a cute and chubby Baker's Son at your local village. What's more to love than being awakened by the delicious smell of fresh-baked pie every morning?
>>
No. 676446 ID: 72c7be

I think everyone can agree a dragon has the proper amount of wealth and experience to be an ideal romantic partner.
>>
No. 676448 ID: 2eeb65

>>676446
>>676389
>>676390
>>676393
>>676395
>dragon
>dragon
>dragon
Don't listen to those naive voices. Never date Dragons, girl. Dragons are golddiggers, all they care about is their stash of cash and bling. Your Dragon gonna spend all time in his treasure basement, while you'll be dying of boredom in some dilapidated godforsaken tower. Ever wonder why every Dragon-captured Princess is always so eager to be rescued, even if their "Knight" turns out to be some greasy middle-aged plumber?
>>
No. 676456 ID: defceb
File 144485311559.png - (54.18KB , 429x549 , f05.png )
676456

“Why do you think you are gross? According to my analysis, you should be in the "aesthetically pleasing" spectrum - 'cute' being the exact specification. Hold on...I have been called cute as well. Am I gross? Is my existence a lie?”

“Familiar, we’re all gross. On the inside.”
>>
No. 676457 ID: defceb
File 144485315570.png - (177.95KB , 603x825 , f06.png )
676457

“Try calling up that Dark Knight. The one with the scary mountain castle.”

“Good idea!” They run over to their crystal balls and ring up the dark knight. “Hey!!!! Yeah, it’s me again...Yeah!... No, last I year I did the curse thing… Oh come on, it could be fun, like a slumber party except sometimes a hunky knight comes by and tries to save me… oh, fine.” They hang up.

“Any luck?”

“They said they don’t want to stabbed by some self-righteous paladin like last time. I don’t even know how they remember that, that was like a billion years ago”

“Why not call a paladin, then? One of those holy love order whatevers? Then maybe some evil dudes will come rescue you”

“Good idea!” They ring up one of those holy love order whatevers paladin. “Yo bitch! I’m up in some evil shit! Gonna destroy love forever. Or something.” They hang up to a cascade of holy shouting over the line. “Familiar, pack my things. They’ll be here in a few minutes.”
>>
No. 676458 ID: 2a7417

Pack the wand, the other wand, and a handkerchief.
>>
No. 676459 ID: 89941a

>>676458
Don't forget the hitachi magic wand!
>>
No. 676460 ID: 3663d3

don't forget the protection spells, don't want any kids unless it's serious.
>>
No. 676461 ID: d4cfd6

>>676457
Pack fancy lingerie, love note writing supplies, snack bars (with chocolate chips), give-yourself-a-dick potion (just in case you're rescued by someone who swings that way) and fake evil plot evidence so they think you're worth kidnapping when they show up.

...we should probably back up the familiar in case the paladins decide to smash us when they grab the mistress. And we should probably call the cleaners now and schedule an appointment for them to come clean up the mess about to be created.
>>
No. 676462 ID: 52404d

Maybe its time to take on an apprentice.

Sharing the arcane mysteries with someone would be an excellent way to grow closer.
>>
No. 676463 ID: 5ad4a7

>>676457
Just shove the entire room into a bag of holding.
>>
No. 676464 ID: 611f25

lmao this >>676463
If not,
PACK FRESH UNDERWEAR A TOOTH BRUSH AND WET WIPES, GOD
pack magical supplies and Cute Outfits
>>
No. 676465 ID: 2eeb65

Pack enhance tits potion. Let's get all Dragon's Crown in this bitch.
>>
No. 676470 ID: edf2ea

Pack some make-up so that mistress doesn't have to waste her mana glamours and shit beside the standard stuff.

Oh, and don't forget her best robes and wizard hat. She needs to look respectable and cute at all times.
>>
No. 676476 ID: defceb
File 144485688732.png - (69.40KB , 455x344 , f07.png )
676476

You pack a magic want, Hitachi's magic wand, a handkerchief, some protection spells, a variety of enhancing potions, some nice lingerie, some snacks, some make-up, her best robe and wizard hat, and then say fuck it and throw everything else that isn't bolted down into the bag of holding while you're at it.
>>
No. 676477 ID: defceb
File 144485693592.png - (145.69KB , 922x668 , f08.png )
676477

As if on cue, the paladin arrives.

"Behold! I, the brave knight Galahad of the Holy Order of Love and Other Stuff have come to end your nefarious plot and take you into custody!"
>>
No. 676478 ID: f56624

"Cool. She's over there. Be gentle."
>>
No. 676479 ID: 89941a

You don't happen to have a fireball scroll in there that you can use to make the knight bugger off with?

I mean, he's barely wearing clothes, an average peasant would be better suited to grant the princess love than that *thing*.
>>
No. 676480 ID: edf2ea

I think it's a perfect time to oil him up. You know, so he would glisten better.
>>
No. 676481 ID: 5ad4a7

>>676477
Okay but first, as is customary, there must be a fight. An epic struggle of good vs evil.
>>
No. 676482 ID: 2eeb65

>>676477
Criticize the Paladin's impractical armor. Also, his pose is improbable. And where are his internal organs?!?
>>
No. 676483 ID: d4cfd6

>>676477
Offer him a complimentary razor. On the house.

Then summon the magical defenses. We gotta make this look real- there gotta be some summoned monsters or something for him to fight through.
>>
No. 676484 ID: 2eeb65

>>676483
>>676481
>>676480
Joking aside – combine these three suggestions (razor optional, depending on Wizard's tastes).

The Epic Struggle of Good and Evil should be decided via an oiled wrestling match between the Paladin and the Wizard's muscular demonic minions (don't tell me she didn't summon any muscular demonic minions)
>>
No. 676485 ID: 52404d

>>676477
Declare him Mediocre and point expectantly at door in which he came through.
>>
No. 676486 ID: 3663d3

obv the resistance is only for show. if we just gave up he would be suspicious.
>>
No. 676487 ID: edf2ea

>>676484
And play this song for effect: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUhVCoTsBaM
>>
No. 676488 ID: 46df9e

Suggest Mistress plays up the evil act by trying to seduce the paladin to give into his lusts.
>>
No. 676489 ID: 2a7417

Rudely shout, "NEXT."
>>
No. 676492 ID: af5b01

Ok, cool. Now, we say that he is a, uh, fool, for love is exactly what our um dark mistress needs to ignite the dread powers in her cold heart. She needs to, er... consume all the love in the world, for only that will allow her to unlock her terrible might and control it for herself.

And we somehow let it slip that, if someone were to actually win her love for themselves, they would... get that power for themselves, or something. Get that rumour out, it'll reel in someone.
>>
No. 676493 ID: 72c7be

Why did he shave everything but his armpits and pubic region?
>>
No. 676501 ID: edf2ea

>>676493
Because manliness?
>>
No. 676502 ID: 46df9e

>>676477
Wait a moment I'm confused. Did we call a paladin or a male stripper? Just slip a single into his thong and tell him to move along.
>>
No. 676503 ID: ad936f

While his musculature and brazen lack of armor are impressive, his personal hygiene is not. Wax him and oil him up.
>>
No. 676504 ID: 611f25

>>676480
>>
No. 676505 ID: ad936f

>>676502
is there a difference?
>>
No. 676506 ID: edf2ea

>>676502
NEVER QUESTION THE POWER OF A LAWFUL GOOD D!
>>
No. 676512 ID: d4cfd6

Don't forget to break out the camera and record the fight and her kidnapping. We need evidence of a paladin taking an evil witch to get the evil community of potential rescuers riled up.
>>
No. 676513 ID: defceb
File 144486598025.png - (223.51KB , 935x628 , f09.png )
676513

“She’s over there. Love is uh, exactly what she needs to ignite dread powers in her heart and err consume all the love in the world?”

“Egads! Your nefarious plan ends here! I’m taking you into custody to be returned to my holy order!”

“You fool! You’ve walked right into my lair!” She waves her hands in a probably evil fashion. “You’ll never take me back to your holy order, where people learn about love and fertility and all those other things! ...right?”

“Absolutely-”

“YESSS”

“-not!”
>>
No. 676514 ID: defceb
File 144486599545.png - (89.00KB , 528x424 , f10.png )
676514

“...pardon?”

“Our order practices the most holy and CHASTE of loves! Our three step rehabilitation program will show you the meaning of a pure love, through activities such as a nice walk along the beach, mutually cooking dinner, and perhaps a movie date!”
>>
No. 676515 ID: defceb
File 144486600646.png - (85.14KB , 755x489 , f11.png )
676515

“OUT!!!!!”
>>
No. 676516 ID: defceb
File 144486601585.png - (169.62KB , 683x835 , f12.png )
676516

“So, familiar, plan b?”
>>
No. 676518 ID: 5ad4a7

>>676516
...I thought we were going to have the paladin kidnap you and then get some dark knight to rescue you? You hate romance that much?

Let's try a dragon next. Gussie yourself up in gold and jewels and the dragon should enjoy himself very much in stripping you.
>>
No. 676519 ID: 89941a

>>676516
Just summon a second familiar. Preferably an incu- or succubutt.
>>
No. 676520 ID: 799984

Roll over and spread em?
>>
No. 676521 ID: edf2ea

Well, not all paladin orders are chaste. But it would be desperate if we were to hit up each and every shrine, temple and convent.

What about a hunky northern barbarian instead of a knight? They say that the uncivilized people are more in touch with their emotions and carnal needs.
>>
No. 676522 ID: 9b7e9c

>>676516
Summon a demon? A sex demon?

Could also get in to summoning gods, perhaps. I hear Apollo isn't averse to a good lay...
>>
No. 676523 ID: d4cfd6

>>676516
Plan b: that knight's blue ball retreat gives me an idea, let's try and break someone hot out of someplace that will have left them all repressed and just itching to go wild over you.

Rescue a stranded sailor, break a heartthrob out of prison, liberate a student from a strict religious school... something like that.
>>
No. 676524 ID: f56624

>>676516
"We could always head out into the town square with a big sign."
>>
No. 676525 ID: b6eb03

Obligatory tentacle suggestion?

Yes.
>>
No. 676526 ID: 2ccbb3

Try your hand at adventuring. If you look sultry enough, hiring a few noob adventurers should be easy. Get the girls as they are more likely to prefer partnering with an experienced woman than a lech

and then you lock them in your base and date them silly. Then you date anyone who comes looking for them.
>>
No. 676527 ID: edf2ea

That was rash of you, Mistress. Too rash. You could have used this paladin as a means to acquiring many boytoys through corruption of their order.
>>
No. 676528 ID: a788b7

>>676516

Try kidnapping somebody else and seducing the knights that come to rescue them from you?
>>
No. 676529 ID: edf2ea

>>676515
That paladin is...about to fall.
>>
No. 676530 ID: 46df9e

Perhaps we should look into a druid commune; they tend to be more open about sexuality.
>>
No. 676532 ID: edfee3

>>676514
Wasn't this sort of what you were looking for; somebody to love you in an emotional way?
>>
No. 676533 ID: 46df9e

>>676532
I think it's more she wants both, and we can only provide one of them.
>>
No. 676534 ID: 0fc976

Roll to seduce the dragon.
>>
No. 676535 ID: 72c7be

>>676533
Solution: Dragon.
>>
No. 676536 ID: 3bc92d

How about we find a princess for you to save?
>>
No. 676547 ID: defceb
File 144487227373.png - (206.20KB , 730x862 , f13.png )
676547

“Are you sure this will work?”

“Wear a bunch of gold, go find a dragon. I’m sure they’ll love you. Or at least see all the gold and kidnap you. Then whatever knight comes along will love you. ...this is where a dragon lives, right?”

“I think so… but just to be safe, don’t let go of my hand. For your safety. T-that’s an order.”
>>
No. 676548 ID: 5ad4a7

Dragon spotted. Don't move.
>>
No. 676549 ID: 39f669

Dragon, six o'clock. Act valuable.

We'll put up posters inviting groups of high-CHA adventurers to come rescue you later.
>>
No. 676551 ID: 2ccbb3

Proceed to impale dragon

WITH THE LOCAL CANDLESTICK MAKER

'S

CHILD

REN'S CANDLES

ATTACHED TO THE BIRTHDAY CAKE

FOR THE BLACKSMITH'S SON

WITH LITTLE TIMMY STILL INSIDE!!!

Timmy is the name of the healer's son's pet dog

plushie.

(Okay joke's over, you may laugh now)
>>
No. 676552 ID: d4cfd6

>I think so… but just to be safe, don’t let go of my hand. For your safety. T-that’s an order.
Yes mom.

Hey, I think the dragon is behind us!
>>
No. 676553 ID: 3663d3

remember to be fireproof.
>>
No. 676554 ID: 799984

Don't look now but a dragon's looking at you. Play it cool, act natural. Maybe stumble and fall to the ground alluringly.

inb4 we're the ones that get kidnapped
>>
No. 676555 ID: 72c7be

Dragon spotted, engage in hug. You are too wizardy to be threatening in melee combat.
>>
No. 676556 ID: 0fc976

Is that a dragon poking around the corner, or is it just happy to see us?
>>
No. 676557 ID: a107fd

Scry on the stripper paladin as he returns to his order's HQ, then teleport in to rescue some half-dragon princess with poor impulse control from the rehab program.
>>
No. 676559 ID: 3bc92d

"Quick! Try to look as adorable and as kidnappable as possible without seeming especially edible!"
>>
No. 676561 ID: 46df9e

Mistress play with your necklace so it shines pleasantly in the sunlight.
>>
No. 676562 ID: 6cb462

That is no dragon, that is a giant weird looking snake, so there is no reason to turn around and acknowledge it.
>>
No. 676563 ID: 72c7be

>>676562
A giant weird looking snake is fine too. (If it's sapient.)
>>
No. 676565 ID: defceb
File 144487524881.png - (115.30KB , 434x756 , f14.png )
676565

“Dragon at our six.”

“Ah! I mean, uh, no sudden moves!”
>>
No. 676566 ID: defceb
File 144487527545.png - (66.12KB , 573x640 , f15.png )
676566

“hmmmm I thought I smelled gold but I didn’t expect to find something so pretty, too. Yessssssss…” They hiss in a fashion similar to a large engine. “I think I could enjoy you.”
>>
No. 676567 ID: defceb
File 144487528499.png - (79.05KB , 618x545 , f16.png )
676567

-internal screaming-
>>
No. 676568 ID: 0fc976

Slowly and deliberately crotch-thrust.
>>
No. 676569 ID: 5ad4a7

>>676567
Psst. Master, this is your chance. Put your moves on him.

(Oh god I just hope the dragon isn't talking about the Familiar)
>>
No. 676570 ID: 72c7be

Perfect, they already like you. Play hard to get. You kicked a paladin out of your home just this morning. Confidence!
>>
No. 676571 ID: 2ccbb3

>>676568
NO.

Play hard-to-get, because you never know if your mark is a pathetic creep wearing a sock-puppet. Make them EARN your lust.

Begin the chase through the well-populated and brainwashed masses! Give them a good time proportional to how much mayhem they cause. And how long it takes to catch you, of course.
>>
No. 676572 ID: 3663d3

try 'oh all this gold is so heavy, how will i ever make it back to safety in time?'
>>
No. 676573 ID: d4cfd6

>>676567
Down potions of fireproofing, and physical resistance, just in case.
>>
No. 676577 ID: 46df9e

He said someTHING so pretty; I hope this isn't a sign that Mistress isn't what he's calling pretty. Better not try to take us away from Mistress.
>>
No. 676578 ID: f56624

>>676566
"As long as it's lewd things and not vore you're talking about, mister. I need her alive."
>>
No. 676580 ID: 799984

"Oh no, my mistress who is single and definitely not thirty yet, a dragon is approaching please flee I'll hold it off!"

Yes this is the most subtle deception of all time.
>>
No. 676582 ID: 72c7be

>>676580
Would a dragon value youth in a human? Hm. Seems suspect to me.
>>
No. 676586 ID: defceb
File 144488049703.png - (94.78KB , 606x449 , f17.png )
676586

“Psst. This is your chance. Play hard to get.”

“Oh, uh, uhm, right!” They make a mock attempt to run away. “Oh no! All this precious gold and treasure is so heavy! Whatever will I do?”

“I can’t do this.” It sighs and flops down onto the ground behind you. “I’ve been lying to myself for far too long. I can’t keep up this charade of chasing after young women and precious jewels. It’s time I let my colors show.”
>>
No. 676587 ID: defceb
File 144488051773.png - (80.85KB , 618x545 , f18.png )
676587

They stand up tall and release a full-bellied shout into the air. “I, Partax the Great, am a homosexual!”

-internal screaming intensifies-
>>
No. 676588 ID: defceb
File 144488053402.png - (90.14KB , 668x628 , f19.png )
676588

“That’s a real weight off my back. Thank you puny human and attractive stone ally, for helping me come to terms with myself.” They soar off into the sky.

“...so.”

“...so.”

“...third times the charm?”
>>
No. 676589 ID: f56624

...prostitutes?
>>
No. 676590 ID: 5ad4a7

>>676588
Uh, there aren't any other dragons nearby are there?

Oh well. How about that outsider you were talking about earlier?
>>
No. 676591 ID: 799984

Find a cute farmboy or something and make him your apprentice. He'll fall madly in love with you.

Sure, eventually he gets cursed or scorned or something and either dies tragically or usurps you, but till then it's all snuggles and shit.
>>
No. 676592 ID: b6eb03

You should really try tentacle monsters. Like...they give the best...

...hugs.
>>
No. 676593 ID: 6cb462

summon an incubus/succubus demon. They should be everything you want in a lover and more.
>>
No. 676594 ID: 72c7be

Well damn, that didn't work.

Time for a princess?
>>
No. 676595 ID: d4cfd6

>>676588
Wait wait, I got gender swap potions! We can make this woooooork!

Or what if we cast a spell and have the witch and familiar switch bodies? You find that thing attractive, right?

...

>“...third times the charm?”
Let's just kidnap a princess and defile her.
>>
No. 676596 ID: 3663d3

trying to make things take you hasn't worked, time to take things yourself.
>>
No. 676597 ID: a788b7

Step 1: Kidnap Maiden
Step 2: Steal her clothes
Step 3: hide Maiden somewhere else
Step 4: disguise self as maiden
Step 5: Lock self in dungeon
>>
No. 676599 ID: 2ccbb3

>>676588
Why do I get the feeling that he does not know the correct definition of "Homosexual"?

Whatever. Time to raid the local castle. Do whatever it takes to get the girl.

Screw it, get as many people as you can kidnap and don't be picky... just take anyone you can non-lethally takedown.

Begin the slaughter, and end a kingdom in your festering rage.
>>
No. 676600 ID: 066a87

Maybe she's got a curse
>>
No. 676602 ID: 0fc976

Try a wizard dating site?
>>
No. 676603 ID: defceb
File 144488515564.png - (89.45KB , 769x440 , f20.png )
676603

"Maybe instead of trying to get kidnapped you should be the one doing the kidnapping? You're a wizard, you can just make them love you."

"What like some kind of harem-gathering evil... over... lord...?"
>>
No. 676604 ID: defceb
File 144488518672.png - (95.17KB , 769x440 , f21.png )
676604

"...yes. Yes I think that's a brilliant idea. Familiar, please begin making evil overlord harem gathering plans."
>>
No. 676605 ID: f56624

>>676603
"Kay. Let's start over at the bishie kingdom, they tend to be deceptively strong so we need to quell their forces as soon as possible lest we be overrun with girly men with huge swords in a way we DON'T want.

After that, we move onto the bara tribes."
>>
No. 676606 ID: 5ad4a7

>>676604
As you wish, Master.
First, we survey opportunities. Scry around with a filter for attractive men and women. Then we put together a golem army and teleport them in to snatch the candidates.

We'll need an impenetrable fortress too. Time to step up security.
>>
No. 676607 ID: d4cfd6

>>676604
We will need to construct a magic housing for your harem. Perhaps we can contact the outsider for extra-dimensional space?

If someone tries to rescue the harem, you can pretend to be a harem girl, and get yourself rescued (from yourself) for extra loving. And then capture your rescuer and add them to the harem.
>>
No. 676611 ID: f0e552

>>676604
Find the hottest half-dragon half-human draconic dude out there.

scry that shit yo
>>
No. 676617 ID: 799984

You heard the lady, time to make some evil overlord harem gathering pants.
>>
No. 676618 ID: 2ccbb3

Start by baiting all the morons in a random kingdom into a deep, dark hole. Then watch the nation fall apart as you slowly capture everyone else during the ensuing civil war.
>>
No. 676626 ID: defceb
File 144489527151.png - (267.44KB , 817x864 , f22.png )
676626

The plan goes off without a hitch. After sneakily abducting all of the bara or bishounen men, legions of golems pour out of portals into the relatively unattractive kingdoms to kidnap every other attractive person they can find. Whether from a lack of emotional fulfillment or a sudden desire for power the wizard ends up conquering the entirety of human civilization before they’re satisfied.

She never does find true love, but at least she has an endless supply of cute boys to fill the hole in her heart. -wink-

THE END!

Paladins tossed: 1/1
Dragons dragged out of the closet: 1/1
Nations conquered: All of them/Quite a lot
Cute boys: All of them.
Illuminati plots exposed: 0/3
Wizard?: No sense of right or wrong/100
>>
No. 676627 ID: 99cfa8

Are we a pikmin? I'm pretty sure we're a pikmin.

>>676604
Alright, step one: build inescapable harem lair dungeon. Or invest in lots of love potions. That also works.

Step two is to scout for appropriately Stockholmable hunks. Or vixens. Whichever it is you're looking for.
>>
No. 676629 ID: 15fae4

>>676626

YOU DIDN'T DO OPERATION DRAGONFUCK RIGHT AT ALL. This is the WORST POSSIBLE END.
>>
No. 676630 ID: f0e552
File 144489699875.jpg - (258.06KB , 817x864 , HOLD UP.jpg )
676630

>>676626
>Illuminati plots exposed: 0/3
WAIT JUST A FUCKING MINUTE
>>
No. 676636 ID: aff068

>>676630
There are actually 7 Illuminati plots! The seventh one was making us believe there were only 3
>>
No. 676641 ID: 2ccbb3

How the @#$% do we look for Illuminati Plots? We REALLY want to start this side-quest but you don't give us ANY information to get STARTED!!!
>>
No. 676642 ID: 3663d3

>>676641
the joke







your head
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