"Cool. She's over there. Be gentle."

You don't happen to have a fireball scroll in there that you can use to make the knight bugger off with?

I mean, he's barely wearing clothes, an average peasant would be better suited to grant the princess love than that *thing*.

I think it's a perfect time to oil him up. You know, so he would glisten better.

>>676477
Okay but first, as is customary, there must be a fight. An epic struggle of good vs evil.

>>676477
Criticize the Paladin's impractical armor. Also, his pose is improbable. And where are his internal organs?!?

>>676477
Offer him a complimentary razor. On the house.

Then summon the magical defenses. We gotta make this look real- there gotta be some summoned monsters or something for him to fight through.

>>676483
>>676481
>>676480
Joking aside – combine these three suggestions (razor optional, depending on Wizard's tastes).

The Epic Struggle of Good and Evil should be decided via an oiled wrestling match between the Paladin and the Wizard's muscular demonic minions (don't tell me she didn't summon any muscular demonic minions)

>>676477
Declare him Mediocre and point expectantly at door in which he came through.

obv the resistance is only for show. if we just gave up he would be suspicious.

>>676484
And play this song for effect: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUhVCoTsBaM

Suggest Mistress plays up the evil act by trying to seduce the paladin to give into his lusts.

Rudely shout, "NEXT."

Ok, cool. Now, we say that he is a, uh, fool, for love is exactly what our um dark mistress needs to ignite the dread powers in her cold heart. She needs to, er... consume all the love in the world, for only that will allow her to unlock her terrible might and control it for herself.

And we somehow let it slip that, if someone were to actually win her love for themselves, they would... get that power for themselves, or something. Get that rumour out, it'll reel in someone.

Why did he shave everything but his armpits and pubic region?

>>676493
Because manliness?

>>676477
Wait a moment I'm confused. Did we call a paladin or a male stripper? Just slip a single into his thong and tell him to move along.

While his musculature and brazen lack of armor are impressive, his personal hygiene is not. Wax him and oil him up.

>>676480

>>676502
is there a difference?

>>676502
NEVER QUESTION THE POWER OF A LAWFUL GOOD D!

Don't forget to break out the camera and record the fight and her kidnapping. We need evidence of a paladin taking an evil witch to get the evil community of potential rescuers riled up.

Apollo 2015/10/14(Wed)16:39 No. 676513 ID: defceb
File 144486598025.png - (223.51KB , 935x628 , f09.png )

“She’s over there. Love is uh, exactly what she needs to ignite dread powers in her heart and err consume all the love in the world?”

“Egads! Your nefarious plan ends here! I’m taking you into custody to be returned to my holy order!”

“You fool! You’ve walked right into my lair!” She waves her hands in a probably evil fashion. “You’ll never take me back to your holy order, where people learn about love and fertility and all those other things! ...right?”

“Absolutely-”

“YESSS”

“-not!”

Apollo 2015/10/14(Wed)16:39 No. 676514 ID: defceb
File 144486599545.png - (89.00KB , 528x424 , f10.png )

“...pardon?”

“Our order practices the most holy and CHASTE of loves! Our three step rehabilitation program will show you the meaning of a pure love, through activities such as a nice walk along the beach, mutually cooking dinner, and perhaps a movie date!”

Apollo 2015/10/14(Wed)16:40 No. 676515 ID: defceb
File 144486600646.png - (85.14KB , 755x489 , f11.png )

“OUT!!!!!”

Apollo 2015/10/14(Wed)16:40 No. 676516 ID: defceb
File 144486601585.png - (169.62KB , 683x835 , f12.png )

“So, familiar, plan b?”

>>676516
...I thought we were going to have the paladin kidnap you and then get some dark knight to rescue you? You hate romance that much?

Let's try a dragon next. Gussie yourself up in gold and jewels and the dragon should enjoy himself very much in stripping you.

>>676516
Just summon a second familiar. Preferably an incu- or succubutt.

Roll over and spread em?

Well, not all paladin orders are chaste. But it would be desperate if we were to hit up each and every shrine, temple and convent.

What about a hunky northern barbarian instead of a knight? They say that the uncivilized people are more in touch with their emotions and carnal needs.

>>676516
Summon a demon? A sex demon?

Could also get in to summoning gods, perhaps. I hear Apollo isn't averse to a good lay...

>>676516
Plan b: that knight's blue ball retreat gives me an idea, let's try and break someone hot out of someplace that will have left them all repressed and just itching to go wild over you.

Rescue a stranded sailor, break a heartthrob out of prison, liberate a student from a strict religious school... something like that.

>>676516
"We could always head out into the town square with a big sign."

Obligatory tentacle suggestion?

Yes.

Try your hand at adventuring. If you look sultry enough, hiring a few noob adventurers should be easy. Get the girls as they are more likely to prefer partnering with an experienced woman than a lech

and then you lock them in your base and date them silly. Then you date anyone who comes looking for them.

That was rash of you, Mistress. Too rash. You could have used this paladin as a means to acquiring many boytoys through corruption of their order.

>>676516

Try kidnapping somebody else and seducing the knights that come to rescue them from you?

>>676515
That paladin is...about to fall.

Perhaps we should look into a druid commune; they tend to be more open about sexuality.

>>676514
Wasn't this sort of what you were looking for; somebody to love you in an emotional way?

>>676532
I think it's more she wants both, and we can only provide one of them.

Roll to seduce the dragon.

>>676533
Solution: Dragon.

How about we find a princess for you to save?

Apollo 2015/10/14(Wed)18:24 No. 676547 ID: defceb
File 144487227373.png - (206.20KB , 730x862 , f13.png )

“Are you sure this will work?”

“Wear a bunch of gold, go find a dragon. I’m sure they’ll love you. Or at least see all the gold and kidnap you. Then whatever knight comes along will love you. ...this is where a dragon lives, right?”

“I think so… but just to be safe, don’t let go of my hand. For your safety. T-that’s an order.”

Dragon spotted. Don't move.

Dragon, six o'clock. Act valuable.

We'll put up posters inviting groups of high-CHA adventurers to come rescue you later.

Proceed to impale dragon

WITH THE LOCAL CANDLESTICK MAKER

'S

CHILD

REN'S CANDLES

ATTACHED TO THE BIRTHDAY CAKE

FOR THE BLACKSMITH'S SON

WITH LITTLE TIMMY STILL INSIDE!!!

Timmy is the name of the healer's son's pet dog

plushie.

(Okay joke's over, you may laugh now)

>I think so… but just to be safe, don’t let go of my hand. For your safety. T-that’s an order.
Yes mom.

Hey, I think the dragon is behind us!

remember to be fireproof.

Don't look now but a dragon's looking at you. Play it cool, act natural. Maybe stumble and fall to the ground alluringly.

inb4 we're the ones that get kidnapped

Dragon spotted, engage in hug. You are too wizardy to be threatening in melee combat.

Is that a dragon poking around the corner, or is it just happy to see us?

Scry on the stripper paladin as he returns to his order's HQ, then teleport in to rescue some half-dragon princess with poor impulse control from the rehab program.

"Quick! Try to look as adorable and as kidnappable as possible without seeming especially edible!"

Mistress play with your necklace so it shines pleasantly in the sunlight.

That is no dragon, that is a giant weird looking snake, so there is no reason to turn around and acknowledge it.

>>676562
A giant weird looking snake is fine too. (If it's sapient.)

Apollo 2015/10/14(Wed)19:14 No. 676565 ID: defceb
File 144487524881.png - (115.30KB , 434x756 , f14.png )

“Dragon at our six.”

“Ah! I mean, uh, no sudden moves!”

Apollo 2015/10/14(Wed)19:14 No. 676566 ID: defceb
File 144487527545.png - (66.12KB , 573x640 , f15.png )

“hmmmm I thought I smelled gold but I didn’t expect to find something so pretty, too. Yessssssss…” They hiss in a fashion similar to a large engine. “I think I could enjoy you.”

Apollo 2015/10/14(Wed)19:14 No. 676567 ID: defceb
File 144487528499.png - (79.05KB , 618x545 , f16.png )

-internal screaming-

Slowly and deliberately crotch-thrust.

>>676567
Psst. Master, this is your chance. Put your moves on him.

(Oh god I just hope the dragon isn't talking about the Familiar)

Perfect, they already like you. Play hard to get. You kicked a paladin out of your home just this morning. Confidence!

>>676568
NO.

Play hard-to-get, because you never know if your mark is a pathetic creep wearing a sock-puppet. Make them EARN your lust.

Begin the chase through the well-populated and brainwashed masses! Give them a good time proportional to how much mayhem they cause. And how long it takes to catch you, of course.

try 'oh all this gold is so heavy, how will i ever make it back to safety in time?'

>>676567
Down potions of fireproofing, and physical resistance, just in case.

He said someTHING so pretty; I hope this isn't a sign that Mistress isn't what he's calling pretty. Better not try to take us away from Mistress.

>>676566
"As long as it's lewd things and not vore you're talking about, mister. I need her alive."

"Oh no, my mistress who is single and definitely not thirty yet, a dragon is approaching please flee I'll hold it off!"

Yes this is the most subtle deception of all time.

>>676580
Would a dragon value youth in a human? Hm. Seems suspect to me.

Apollo 2015/10/14(Wed)20:41 No. 676586 ID: defceb
File 144488049703.png - (94.78KB , 606x449 , f17.png )

“Psst. This is your chance. Play hard to get.”

“Oh, uh, uhm, right!” They make a mock attempt to run away. “Oh no! All this precious gold and treasure is so heavy! Whatever will I do?”

“I can’t do this.” It sighs and flops down onto the ground behind you. “I’ve been lying to myself for far too long. I can’t keep up this charade of chasing after young women and precious jewels. It’s time I let my colors show.”

Apollo 2015/10/14(Wed)20:41 No. 676587 ID: defceb
File 144488051773.png - (80.85KB , 618x545 , f18.png )

They stand up tall and release a full-bellied shout into the air. “I, Partax the Great, am a homosexual!”

-internal screaming intensifies-

Apollo 2015/10/14(Wed)20:42 No. 676588 ID: defceb
File 144488053402.png - (90.14KB , 668x628 , f19.png )

“That’s a real weight off my back. Thank you puny human and attractive stone ally, for helping me come to terms with myself.” They soar off into the sky.

“...so.”

“...so.”

“...third times the charm?”

...prostitutes?

>>676588
Uh, there aren't any other dragons nearby are there?

Oh well. How about that outsider you were talking about earlier?

Find a cute farmboy or something and make him your apprentice. He'll fall madly in love with you.

Sure, eventually he gets cursed or scorned or something and either dies tragically or usurps you, but till then it's all snuggles and shit.

You should really try tentacle monsters. Like...they give the best...

...hugs.

summon an incubus/succubus demon. They should be everything you want in a lover and more.

Well damn, that didn't work.

Time for a princess?

>>676588
Wait wait, I got gender swap potions! We can make this woooooork!

Or what if we cast a spell and have the witch and familiar switch bodies? You find that thing attractive, right?

...

>“...third times the charm?”
Let's just kidnap a princess and defile her.

trying to make things take you hasn't worked, time to take things yourself.

Step 1: Kidnap Maiden
Step 2: Steal her clothes
Step 3: hide Maiden somewhere else
Step 4: disguise self as maiden
Step 5: Lock self in dungeon

>>676588
Why do I get the feeling that he does not know the correct definition of "Homosexual"?

Whatever. Time to raid the local castle. Do whatever it takes to get the girl.

Screw it, get as many people as you can kidnap and don't be picky... just take anyone you can non-lethally takedown.

Begin the slaughter, and end a kingdom in your festering rage.

Maybe she's got a curse

Try a wizard dating site?

Apollo 2015/10/14(Wed)21:59 No. 676603 ID: defceb
File 144488515564.png - (89.45KB , 769x440 , f20.png )

"Maybe instead of trying to get kidnapped you should be the one doing the kidnapping? You're a wizard, you can just make them love you."

"What like some kind of harem-gathering evil... over... lord...?"

Apollo 2015/10/14(Wed)21:59 No. 676604 ID: defceb
File 144488518672.png - (95.17KB , 769x440 , f21.png )

"...yes. Yes I think that's a brilliant idea. Familiar, please begin making evil overlord harem gathering plans."

>>676603
"Kay. Let's start over at the bishie kingdom, they tend to be deceptively strong so we need to quell their forces as soon as possible lest we be overrun with girly men with huge swords in a way we DON'T want.

After that, we move onto the bara tribes."

>>676604
As you wish, Master.
First, we survey opportunities. Scry around with a filter for attractive men and women. Then we put together a golem army and teleport them in to snatch the candidates.

We'll need an impenetrable fortress too. Time to step up security.

>>676604
We will need to construct a magic housing for your harem. Perhaps we can contact the outsider for extra-dimensional space?

If someone tries to rescue the harem, you can pretend to be a harem girl, and get yourself rescued (from yourself) for extra loving. And then capture your rescuer and add them to the harem.

>>676604
Find the hottest half-dragon half-human draconic dude out there.

scry that shit yo

You heard the lady, time to make some evil overlord harem gathering pants.

Start by baiting all the morons in a random kingdom into a deep, dark hole. Then watch the nation fall apart as you slowly capture everyone else during the ensuing civil war.

Apollo 2015/10/15(Thu)00:47 No. 676626 ID: defceb
File 144489527151.png - (267.44KB , 817x864 , f22.png )

The plan goes off without a hitch. After sneakily abducting all of the bara or bishounen men, legions of golems pour out of portals into the relatively unattractive kingdoms to kidnap every other attractive person they can find. Whether from a lack of emotional fulfillment or a sudden desire for power the wizard ends up conquering the entirety of human civilization before they’re satisfied.

She never does find true love, but at least she has an endless supply of cute boys to fill the hole in her heart. -wink-

THE END!

Paladins tossed: 1/1
Dragons dragged out of the closet: 1/1
Nations conquered: All of them/Quite a lot
Cute boys: All of them.
Illuminati plots exposed: 0/3
Wizard?: No sense of right or wrong/100

Are we a pikmin? I'm pretty sure we're a pikmin.

>>676604
Alright, step one: build inescapable harem lair dungeon. Or invest in lots of love potions. That also works.

Step two is to scout for appropriately Stockholmable hunks. Or vixens. Whichever it is you're looking for.

>>676626

YOU DIDN'T DO OPERATION DRAGONFUCK RIGHT AT ALL. This is the WORST POSSIBLE END.

Suggestion 2015/10/15(Thu)01:16 No. 676630 ID: f0e552
File 144489699875.jpg - (258.06KB , 817x864 , HOLD UP.jpg )

>>676626
>Illuminati plots exposed: 0/3
WAIT JUST A FUCKING MINUTE

>>676630
There are actually 7 Illuminati plots! The seventh one was making us believe there were only 3

How the @#$% do we look for Illuminati Plots? We REALLY want to start this side-quest but you don't give us ANY information to get STARTED!!!

>>676641
the joke







your head