FRACTAL 2016/05/31(Tue)22:05 No. 727110 ID: 34dbe0
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"Team Bones, Voltolini, one unmodified TIOS. We've been out here for ... uh ... 2 hours, 10 minutes. Approximately. No sign of marked caravan. No events or disturbances o-"

"Cleeeeeeevelaaaand."

"...disturbances of interest. Despite-"

"Cleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevelaaaaaaaaaand!"

"DESPITE. PASSAGE. OF OTHER-"

"Cleveland!"

You click off your logmic and glare at your partner and his shitty fucking cat helmet. "Voltolini. Two things. One: Call me by my last name when we're on a foray. Two: Shut the fuck up while I'm logging. Actually, just shut up in general."

Your TIOS beeps in soft amusement. [LAUGHTER. AS IF ISSUING ORDERS TO VOLTOLINI IS ANYTHING BUT A WASTE OF TIME AND ENERGY.]

"YOU shut up too," you snap, and TIOS complies, because it has to.

FRACTAL 2016/05/31(Tue)22:06 No. 727111 ID: 34dbe0
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Voltolini flops down on his stomach and rolls across the sand until he bumps into your side. "Come oooon. Talk to me. You've been laying there for aaages."

"I'm trying to focus."

"On what?" Varlet wraps an arm around you and nods out at the empty expanse of sand stretching in front of you. "There's nothing fuckin' there!"

"There will be," you argue. "And we have to be ready if we want to make any bank off this, so shut up and square up."

"I'm booooored." He shoves his helmeted head against your cheek, rubbing it back and forth with pitiful little noises.

[I AM ALSO BORED.] TIOS points out helpfully, because apparently its decided that as long as you aren't actively telling it to shut up, it's allowed to talk.

Voltolini nods vigorously. "See? We're all dying. Isn't there anything we can do to pass the time?"

cat: apply black marker to ring of scope.
TIOS: Order pizza and provide exact GPS coordinates for delivery.
human: close your eyes and stand over there for a minute.

@voltolini eat gun

Play "never have I ever." You can still keep watch while gaining valuable team bonding. What's on the caravan we're waiting for, anyway?

Fuckkgkkkkkkkkkk // idk shoot a bird or something random // talk about FRELINGS

@#$% it.

Practice your trick shots. Shoot the monolith with low power ammo, see if you can hit something other than sand.

Like Volto's tail.

Just aim low and use your antipersonnel rounds if you run out.

discuss the everyday mundanities of the world around you in a way that someone who has just entered it for the first time might hypothetically understand.

How about you bash your head into the monolith-looking thing behind you, Voltolini. Unless you want to go first, TIOS.

investigate oblong rock

talking is probably the least obtrusive/distracting thing that you could do but also it might not satisfy varlet.

never have i ever does sound like a good idea though

knock on varlet's shitty helmet

Lightly punch his stupid kitty helmet. Initiate (friendly) conversation.

FRACTAL 2016/06/01(Wed)01:21 No. 727155 ID: 34dbe0
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You peer back through your scope, mostly just so you can keep your eyes busy and he won't have a way to look at you too much. "How about you take off that stupid helmet and bash your fucking head in on TIOS' face."

[I WOULD RATHER IF HE DIDN'T DO THAT, ACTUALLY.]

"Clevelaaaand. Come on. Let's talk about our feelings."

"Absolutely fucking not. New suggestion: how about I shoot your tail off."

Voltolini pouts. Or, at least, you assume he's pouting, under his dumb helmet. "All of these ideas suck."

"Fine." You shove yourself away from the rifle and stand up, sand pouring from the folds in your coat. You don't want to admit that you're just as frustrated and bored as everyone else, but that's the cut and dry situation. "TIOS, is there anything approaching the area that I haven't picked up on. Anything. Any vehicles, or people, or -"

[IF THERE WERE I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU ALREADY, BECAUSE I'M USEFUL, AND BECAUSE I'M FUNCTIONING PROPERLY.]

"Alright, smartass."

[LAUGHTER.]

FRACTAL 2016/06/01(Wed)01:21 No. 727156 ID: 34dbe0
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You flop back down into the sand and rest your chin on your hand. On top of this being a just an absolutely massive waste of your time, the lack of the scheduled caravan is starting to stress you out.

"I don't know what we're going to do if it doesn't show up," you say aloud, more to yourself than to Voltolini or TIOS. "Boss needs that gasoline, and we need our cut of it."

Voltolini crawls over to you, and you slap your hand on his head and lock your elbow to keep him from burying his face in your lap. "I keep telling you that if we go back to being an independent team, we wouldn't have to deal with this kind of stuff," he whines. "We could raid whatever we wanted and we wouldn't have to share any of it."

"And we wouldn't have a TIOS, or a set shelter with beds and free food to go back to, or backup to call on if we end up really needing it," you counter irritably. "Being a pirate is a lot easier with a benefactor."

"And a lot more booooring." Voltolini flops around helplessly. "We had fun, didn't we, Cle? Running around by ourselves?"

"Literally every encounter we had with anyone was always a near-death one."

"That's exactly what I mean!"

FRACTAL 2016/06/01(Wed)01:21 No. 727157 ID: 34dbe0
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"Listen, just -" You give him a good hard shove and he tumbles onto his back, shrieking indignantly. "How about this. Let's give it one more hour, and if nothing shows up, we pack it up. There's nothing we can do about bad intel, and we'll get another assignment by tomorrow."

"Okay. If," Voltolini holds up a gloved finger, "you spend the hour playing games with me."

"Games that don't require me to move."

"Deal!" He crosses his legs, rocking back and forth excitedly. "First is 'Never Have I Ever!' You know how to play, right?" He tilts his head back. "TIOS, you want in on this?"

TIOS immediately projects an image of two outstretched hands on its glossy screen. [I WILL PARTICIPATE, BUT I WILL WIN, BECAUSE I AM A ROBOT AND HAVE EXTREMELY LIMITED LIFE EXPERIENCE.]

"Fine by me!" He surges forward and tugs at your sleeves. "Ten fingers, Cleveland, put up ten fingers."

You do, grumbling.

"Okay, I'm going first! Never have I ever ... uhhh ... oh oh oh. Never have I ever killed someone using heavy machinery!"

You shoot Varlet a nasty glare and put down a finger. "That's cheating," you mutter. "I told you about the log splitter thing, like, yesterday."

"Doesn't matter!" he crows. "You have and I haven’t! Okay, TIOS' turn."

[NEVER HAVE I EVER HAD ORGANS.]

After a burst of grumbling and complaints, you and Voltolini both put down a finger each. He bounces in place. “Your turn now! Never have you ever …?”

FRACTAL 2016/06/01(Wed)01:29 No. 727159 ID: 34dbe0
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After choosing a response for the next round of the game, you can choose to continue as Cleveland Bones, or you can switch to either Varlet Voltolini or TIOS. You can change characters whenever you like, as long as the character is an ally who is currently present.

never have i ever enjoyed a game of never have i ever

never have i ever owned a shitty kitty helmet.

be TIOS next!

>>727160
this is fucking golden

stick with cleveland for now. cleveland is Good

Gang up on TIOS. Never have i ever calculated more than 50 digits of pi. Never have i ever given turn by turn directions. Never have i ever been accidentally called siri

We should absolutely gang up on TIOS. There's no way to beat him if we play normally.

Then be Varlet. If we're Varlet we can see what's under the helmet.

Never have i ever been cleaned with a bottle of damn Windex and a cloth

Never have i ever had my conversation interrupted by an update for the next version of Windows

Never have i ever contemplated human extinction (but cle would put a finger down probs)

All this and then switch to TIOS so we can see the inner struggle of losing after being So Confident

I second ganging up on TIOS. Already my fav character, I kinda have a thing for robots. Then let's play as Varlet!

Okay nevermind i change my mind lets play as TIOS

Fuck >>727160

never have i ever been mistaken for a mirror

be tios!

play as cleveland, gang up on TIOS, use:


Never have I ever enjoyed a game of Never Have I Ever

>>727166 Never have I ever calculated more than 18 digits of pi

Never have I ever been forced to do exactly as I am told (?)

Never have I ever said "I have extremely limited life experience"

Never have I ever been comprised of metal

>>727169 Never have I ever been cleaned with cleaning supplies and cloth.

Switch to Voltolini, start blasting ska music from your helmet speakers.

be cleveland!

Never have I ever sorted more than a million of something.

Stick with miss Bones.

never have I ever been annoying as shit.

let's be the robot.

FRACTAL 2016/06/01(Wed)16:50 No. 727276 ID: 34dbe0
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You are TIOS and you have a lot going on right now.

There’s all your regular functions, of course - scanning a 500 meter radius for signs of life, movement, or errant transmissions, running vital checks on your two users, maintaining constant internal simulations of all possible situational outcomes in order to establish total readiness in the face of any event - but those are all background for you. These things don’t really count as issues.

What is an issue is that you’re thinking a lot about Cleveland.

One of the problems with having a brain that moves as fast as yours is you don’t miss anything, and your powers of observation are putting you through hell. Back at the compound, you’re usually stored in her room. When she gets ready in the morning she frequently uses your screen as a mirror, and you spend those precious few moments watching every twitch of her lips, every shift of her eyes. You watch her smear kohl over layers of smudged leftover makeup. You watch her cut her hair, every few weeks, with a utility knife, holding chunks of hair taut and sawing them off with a haste that verges on exasperation. You watch her smoke (she always wets the filter with her tongue first), you watch her eat (she doesn’t seem to dislike a single thing), you watch her sleep (lightly, always with a slight frown), and you don’t miss a single second, because you don’t have a choice.

And you’re not missing the brief, twitchy smirk she shoots Varlet before announcing, “Never have I ever undergone a software update.”

Varlet loses it. She’s not laughing, but that smile is still flickering back in barely-contained spurts. You carefully replace your image, now displaying two hands with one finger lowered.

Voltolini is playing along now, and as soon as the torch passes, he snorts out, “Never have I ever calculated more than fifty digits of pi!”

You replace the image on your screen again, dropping another virtual finger. [IT’S A NECESSARY PROCESSING TEST,] you protest. Varlet and Cleveland glance at each other, then Cleveland lets out a single, sharp bark of laughter, shoving at his knee with her own.

You identify two emotions sparking in your core - “irritation” and “envy.”

“It’s your turn, TIOS,” she prompts, and you pull your attention back to the game.

FRACTAL 2016/06/01(Wed)16:50 No. 727277 ID: 34dbe0
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The immediate, automatic options that spring to mind are just cheap shots - “Never have I ever required oxygen to live,” “Never have I ever eaten food,” et cetera. The conscious ones that you think of yourself, though, are different. “Never have I ever been kissed.” “Never have I ever had sex.”

You think, unbidden, “Never have I ever been in love,” and immediately an error message blips across your internal view because you’re not allowed to lie to your users.

[NEVER HAVE I EVER CONSUMED A BEVERAGE,] you settle, finally, and again they groan and put fingers down, and again those two emotions twinge inside you because you don’t understand why it’s funny when the two of them score easy points together, but it’s apparently a little boring and annoying when you do it.

It’s Cleveland’s turn again, and she’s already tired of the “Gang Up On TIOS” game (she tires of things at a pace that’s frankly baffling, even for you) because the next thing she says, with a look of pointed malice directed at Voltolini, is “Never have I ever enjoyed a game of ‘Never Have I Ever.’”

Voltolini immediately bursts into shrieks of protest - “You just laughed, you were just laughing and having fun -” - and your core whirrs softly as you try to process whether or not to put down a finger.

FRACTAL 2016/06/01(Wed)16:50 No. 727278 ID: 34dbe0
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You’re interrupted before you can decide by a series of chiming notifications, and you immediately jolt into business mode. [CARAVAN, GUYS. CARAVAN.]

“Where?” Cleveland’s back on task just as quickly as you are, skidding back over to her sniper rifle and settling back on her belly. Varlet’s slower, riding out a few more giggles before finally standing up and unclipping his rapier hilt.

[JUST PASSED THE 500 METER THRESHOLD, COMING SLOW. TWO LARGE VANS, A FEW SMALLER VEHICLES ESCORTING.] Information is coming in fast as the group of vehicles rolls closer, [THEY’VE GOT A GAS TANKER - IT’S DEFINITELY THE CARAVAN WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE MARKING. SMALLER VEHICLES CONFIRMED AS MOTORBIKES. ESCORT RIDERS ARE GIVING OFF ELEVATED POWER READINGS - PROBABLY SUITS. WE’LL PROBABLY HAVE VISUAL IN A MINUTE OR SO.]

“Okay.” Cleveland pauses, then takes her eye away from the scope. “TIOS, how are we on the I-O-S there, huh? What can you get me?”

The latter portion of your name she’s referring to is Interdimensional Organized Storage, and you quickly sift through the pockets you have available for her. [IN TERMS OF LARGE GUNS, JUST A GATLING; FOR SMALLER ARMS I CAN GET YOU PISTOLS .9MM THROUGH .14MM, NEARLY UNLIMITED; FOUR SUBMACHINE GUNS; FOUR DOUBLE-BARREL SHOTGUNS. IF YOU REALLY WANT TO HAVE SOME FUN, I ALSO HAVE A FEW SMALL EXPLOSIVES.]

“No fun today. We’re getting gasoline, we can’t blow anything up.” She settles back on the scope. “I’ve got my standard .44 magnums on me anyway. Might not need much else if this goes well.”

[IT’S COOLER TO PULL GUNS OUT OF THIN AIR AND NEVER RELOAD, THOUGH,] you remind her. She chuckles at that, and your internal cooling system switches on.

“So if we can’t just blow everything up, what’s our approach?” Varlet asks. “Come on, I wanna get messy.” He’s hopping from foot to foot, the LED ribbons on his dumb catsuit cycling through the rainbow as he psychs himself up. “I wanna melee. Can I just get in there and tear shit up? You’re the tactitian, TIOS, you tell me. What are we doin’ when they show up?”

Disable a van at the front, pick off the motorcycles before they can scout. After that it's a matter of sniping survivors while they circle the wagons.
Do your storage pockets work on people? The process being harmful is just a side benefit.

Motorcycles are top priority. If they need escorts, best to take out those escorts before they can do their job.

Why don't you move me over there and I put EVERYTHING in that caravan into my inter-dimensional pocket and see what happens to the organics inside?

Volto, move up and prepare to flank. Focus on the second van and neutralize the driver with a wallhack. Bones, line up a double headshot, focus on neutralizing at least one suit with the first strike. Take cover behind Monolith, and use an armor piercer on the first van's engine.

>>727282

it's time for some parkour. backflips.

ya gay, my rectangle friend

Can we snipe the gas tanker to disable it without blowing it up? Seems prudent to keep them from running for it while we're tied down with their escort.

Pick off the escort, you don't want any unnecessary danger. I'd suggest taking out the tanker's wheels, but I don't know where we are with accuracy- wouldn't want to accidentally blow something up.

Use cat boy as a distraction while sniper snipes the important looking dudes (also does tios have like a form thats not a domino??? For battle purposes of course.....)

>>727278
Probably 9mm not .9mm. One mm is equal to .04 inches of nominal caliber. 9mm is about a .38, while 14mm is about .53 (which is also roughly 28-gauge)

Shutting up now. Back to your regularly scheduled ambush.

FRACTAL 2016/06/02(Thu)01:57 No. 727362 ID: 34dbe0
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[RELAX.] Varlet doesn’t relax. You sigh, a little huff of air from your lower vents, and continue. [IF THEY NEED ESCORTS, WE SHOULD TAKE THOSE ESCORTS OUT BEFORE THEY CAN DO THEIR JOB. CLEVELAND, THAT’S ALL YOU. I’LL ALSO HAVE YOU TAKE OUT THE WHEELS ON THE TANKER TO DISABLE IT WITHOUT RISKING THE GASOLINE, AS WELL AS DISABLING THE FRONT VAN TO HALT THE CARAVAN AT LARGE.]

“Gotcha.”

Varlet rounds on you, stomping his foot. “So if she gets to do all that, what do I do?”

[WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO SOME BACKFLIPS? YOU CAN DO SOME BACKFLIPS.]

He gasps appreciatively. “Aww, TIOS! I love to do backflips.”

[I KNOW. AFTER CLEVELAND HALTS THE CARAVAN AND TAKES OUT THEIR ESCORTS, YOU CAN BACKFLIP RIGHT IN THERE AND NEUTRALIZE ANY REMAINING HOSTILES.]

“Nice nice nice nicenicenicenicenicenicenicenice.” It’s a frenzied chant. His suit is practically strobing. “Get my speakers out, will you, baby? Get em get em get em. C’mon. Fast.”

As requested, you open two portals behind him and neatly deposit his two standing combat speakers. They hit the sand with a dull thud and sink in. They're only a bit larger than you are, taller and deeper, making them just about the maximum size of item you can store and transport.

Voltolini makes a complex gesture with his non-dominant hand, and they flare to life, the ring of LEDs around each speaker matching the frenzied flash of his suit. “Ahaha. Ohhhh my god. This feels so good.” He clenches his hand in a fist just as the first vehicles of the caravan breach the far dune, distorted and rippling with heat haze, and the speakers start to thump with the siren and backbeat of one of his favorite songs. You have them all memorized - they’re all filthy.

The volume climbs. The sand around the speakers jostles into deep ripples. Varlet swings his hips, the rapier in his hand flickering to life. “Ahhhhh. Ahh. Come on. Closer.” Cleveland is bobbing her head to the music slightly, her steady breaths synced to the beat. By the time the caravan is close enough to hear it, they'll be in range. “Do it fast, Bones,” Varlet breathes frantically. The inside of his helmet is fogging up. “Do it fast so I can get in there.”

The caravan climbs another dune. The music drops, hard. Cleveland lets off a shot and the bike in front tumbles, crashing into the first van. It’s scuttled. The bike skids out and catches another escort off guard, knocking them into the sand.

“Aaaaaahahaha.” Varlet kicks at the sand and drags his free hand down the side of his helmet. “Do the rest do the rest dotherestdotherest killthemkillthemkillthem pleaseplease.”

FRACTAL 2016/06/02(Thu)01:57 No. 727363 ID: 34dbe0
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“Keep your dick on,” Cleveland grunts. For once her face is completely smooth and still, no tics or twitches. “And stop talking to me while I’m working.” Her hands are flying, reloading the rifle with cold, clinical precision.

[THEY HAVE OUR POSITION. FOUR MOUNTED HOSTILES INBOUND.]

Cleveland presses her face to the cheekpiece, exhales, and fires. Two of the motorcyclists drop.

[LAUGHTER. TWO HOSTILES.]

“Holy shit,” Varlet moans.

“Fucking morons. Lining up like that after marking my location.” Cleveland catches the ejected cartridge before it hits the sand. “I’m not getting the other two before they reach us. Gotta focus on shooting out the tanker’s tires. Voltolini.”

“AAAAAAHHAHA YES YES OH MY GOD.” Varlet’s off like a shot before she even finishes pronouncing his name.

[ENGAGE YOUR EARPLUGS,] you remind Cleveland quickly. She gives you a millisecond-long thumbs-up. Of course - she's worked with Voltolini longer than you. It’s routine to her now.

Voltolini skids down the dune on his heels, sand flying, just as the pair of escorts comes close enough to sight the group. “YES YES YES YESYESYESYESYESYESSS!”

“Oh fuck,” Cleveland observes mildly. She lets off another shot. The gas tanker, which had been attempting to pull away from the caravan, stutters and lurches. “He opened his helmet, didn't he.”

[HE DID, YEAH.]

“Great.”

FRACTAL 2016/06/02(Thu)01:57 No. 727364 ID: 34dbe0
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Varlet snaps the fingers of his free hand, and the grimy club tune blaring from the speakers surges, blasting sand violently from the speaker bases. It bursts from the ears on his helmet at a volume intense enough to ripple the air the same way the heat does, just as he slides between the two cyclists, and they're both blasted from their seats. They hit the sand and roll, tipped bikes kicking up sand and clouding the air.

“Mmmmmmhaaaahahaha.” Despite the distance and the overwhelming, pounding music, you and Cleveland can both hear him loud and clear, thanks to the mic set into his helmet. “Shit. Fuck. This is so good.”

The closer escort comes to their senses, scrabbling blindly in the sand for their dropped sidearm. Varlet is on them in a heartbeat. You see a spray of blood. The next one follows four quarter beats later.

FRACTAL 2016/06/02(Thu)01:58 No. 727365 ID: 34dbe0
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[FIVE OUT OF SIX ESCORTS NEUTRALIZED,] you beep, with no small amount of satisfaction. [TANKER?]

“Just grounded it,” Cleveland replies. She stands, kicking the sniper rifle over, and you catch it by unzipping a portal beneath it before it can fall onto its side. “Light me up, TIOS.”

You open a pocket and drop a cigarette into her hand. She sets it between her teeth, and you wait until she's pressed her tongue to the end of the filter before lighting it with a spark. “You're perfect,” she mutters. You nearly short-circuit. “I’m taking the magnums for mop-up, but be ready to drop more.”

[ANYTHING FOR YOU,] you quip, glad that you don't have the physical capability to be breathless.

“Alright. Here we go.”

She’s walking, her gait as loose and casual as always. You wish for a split second that you could follow - but you’re a TIOS, and nobody’s going to spend money to port you into an android, because that’s not your job. So you stay, and you watch, and you think, because that’s what you’re here for.

You can issue loose orders and provide supplies/support as TIOS, or fight directly as Cleveland or Varlet.

be voltolini, he seems like he's having fun. join up with bones for cleanup

Volto, grab a sawed-off and just blindfire twice where you think the last guy scurried off to, then switch to swords and start chopping. Try to spare the target.

Bones, grab a magnum and a sawed off, and flank the target.

Get it done fast, and disable enemy comms. Nothing less than untouchable is expected.

im in luv
i cant think of what to suggest im just
wow
volto pls

be cleveland

>>727365
Well, if the issue is about money, why don't you use your processors in some way to make your own side cash? Stock portfolios, the latest crypto currencies, hacking into bank accounts, etc. you could probably make some right now.

Volto

Continue running overwatch as TIOS. Idly wonder what happens if you attempt to put a pocket dimension inside a pocket dimension.

Be cat boy and try not to CUM/ play this universe equivalent of psy- gentleman

gay box. the box is gay

be varlet i wanna see what the hell is going on in his head

i can really Relate to this gay robot, bc i am also Gay for cleveland. nice.
cleveland: be a badass, but like, Casually

Varlet are you...............high

anyway, we should totally get TIOS ported, it shouldn't be that hard to convince Bones to get it done. If all else fails, bring up the undeniable strategic advantages to that. (If they're allowed to mod you, I mean!)

Also yeah, let's play Varlet. He's having fun.

FRACTAL 2016/06/07(Tue)23:54 No. 728419 ID: 34dbe0
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You’re Voltolini and you’re gonna cream your fucking pants.

You're backflipping your ass off. You must have done like five million backflips by now. Five BILLION backflips. You’ve probably done more backflips than anyone in the world. No. More than everyone in the world combined, forever, from all of history.

You’ve done like maybe three backflips. The point is that so many people are dead.

Behind you Cleveland’s picking off the people you just slashed up. So sometimes you get a little excited and you just fillet them a little and she has to clean up your mess. So what. You have things to do. You don’t have your visor down anymore so you can’t check TIOS’ refract cams and watch her do it, but it’s fine. You know that right now her face is so smooth and calm and still like a paper plate with a shitty goth face drawn on it in marker and her hands move in smooth straight lines when she aims, point A to point B with no wasted movement, and you can hear the gunshots BANG pause BANG pause BANG pause BANG all perfectly spaced and they match up a backbeat in the song blasting from your helmet and you’re so, so, so turned on that you think you’re gonna fucking die.

You can hear everything and see everything in slow motion amped and labeled in your brain you know where everything is and where it’s coming from and it’s so EASY. You hear her drop her guns in the sand, like soft little footsteps, and the soft unzipping sound of TIOS opening portals above her hands, the soft squeak and stretch of her kidskin gloves as new ones fall into her palms. Shouts from the caravans from the STUPID fucking people down there, scrambling to get ready for you. They’re not ready for you. Nobody’s ever ready.

FRACTAL 2016/06/07(Tue)23:54 No. 728420 ID: 34dbe0
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There’s one escort left and they’re standing yards and yards in front of where the caravan has stopped, one arm dangling, the other clutching a sputtering laser rapier. You grin so hard that you feel like your face is going to split and your jaw is going to fall right into the sand, another thing for Cleveland to clean up for you. TIOS was right. Not just suits - Panzavecchia suits. You really can’t think of anything else that could make this day better.

The other suit shifts their weight, stumbles a little in the shifting sand, and you’re on them. They try to slash at you, and they’re good - of course they are, they’re a Panzavecchia - but even if they weren’t injured, they’re not as good as you. Nobody’s ever as good as you. You sidestep, drop, and take out their legs.

They hit the sand and you drive your rapier through their stomach, pin them like a bug, their arms spread wide like wings. The wheeze you hear through their helmet isn’t satisfying at all, so you rip the helm off, panting softly.


“Beppe,” you breathe out. There’s blood all over their mouth. They spit at you but it’s not hard enough and it just splatters pathetically against their suit.

“Voltolini … y-you -”

“SHHHH shshshshshshsh. Shhhhh. Come on.” Your head is pounding. “You can still call me Varlet. We’re buddies, right, Beppe? We were always buddies. Always real close.”

They’re coughing flecks of blood all over themselves. You suppress a hysterical giggle.

“Oh, man, Beppe.” You start to stand back up. Beppe’s eyes refocus and widen. “Sorry. No point in being fake about it. You always treated me like shit.”

You grab the hilt of your rapier. Their mouth opens, they get the first millisecond of a scream out, and you flick your blade upwards in a neat line from belly button to crown of head. They fall open like a book.

Cleveland’s voice buzzes flat and staticky from your com device. “Are you done with your high school reunion there? Let’s go.”

“What’s high school?” you laugh breathlessly. You’re already moving forward again.

FRACTAL 2016/06/07(Tue)23:55 No. 728421 ID: 34dbe0
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Again there’s only one person waiting for you. One person and a really, really big axe. You lick your lips unconsciously. Her armor pegs her as Venetirian, and you raise your eyebrows slightly. No reason for Panzavecchian suits to be anywhere near a Valkyrie caravan, but there’s no reason for you to care, either.

“Halt,” she shouts, and for some reason you do. Probably because you wanna look at that axe some more. “Parley.” Her voice carries, strong and clear despite the distance, and you cock your head to the side.

“Don’t wanna,” you yell.

“The vast majority of the remaining travellers here are unarmed,” she shouts back. “We are willing to surrender and allow you to take most of our resources - leaving only enough for us to return to our home base - provided you guarantee no harm will come to the defenseless. There needs be no more bloodshed.”

FRACTAL 2016/06/07(Tue)23:55 No. 728422 ID: 34dbe0
File 146536892385.png - (570.44KB , 800x525 , 18.png )

Fucking Valkyries. You grab at your helmet with your free hand, grinding your teeth. “What the fuck are you saying? Why are you talking to me? Shit! I don’t care!” You rip the helmet off and throw it into the sand. “Shut up! I told you no parley! I’m gonna kill ALL of you and take EVERYTHING!”

You can still hear TIOS, but you aren’t listening. [WE SHOULD REEL HIM IN, CLEVELAND.]

She’s catching up to you, but her steps are as slow and lazy as her voice. “Why? We’re taking their food, their water, and their fuel.” She stops behind you, and her voice is doubled, one from the speaker set in your collar, the other from her barely moving mouth. “They’re going to die out here anyway.”

[THAT VALKYRIE CALLED PARLEY.]

“Other crews might parley. The Cat and Crow rarely does.”

[APPREHENSIVE LAUGHTER. WE NEED TO DECIDE QUICKLY. LEASH VARLET OR DON’T.]

if killing a valkyrie would be more trouble than it's worth, parley. varlet will be pissed but he can deal with it if it'd lose resources or potentially put a teammate in serious danger.

if not, though, let him fuckin' loose. he's having a good time

Can you take them easily?
If so, then parley just deprives you of some fun.
If it's an even fight, then you can beat them without even crossing swords. Piece of cake.

ok i basically don't care about this woman at all but im wholeheartedly in favour of anything involving varlet and a leash

normally i'd advise against murdering defenseless innocents, but varlet's having so much fun. let him have this.

leash varlet, if you don't the valkyrie will do something stupid and honorable like blowing up the gas or spilling the water. she seems the sort

Something feels off. Transporting food and water seems below her pay grade. She's had more than enough time to rip the artifacts out of the caravan and fulton out. WHAT is she waiting for?

My guess is that there's some sentient cargo that needs to stay intact.

So parley.

While you UZI the caravan. Screw the supplies, figure out what it is she's protecting.

>>728421
There's a smirk under that grimace of hers. Ask what's with it. She looks like she's dying for a fight as much as the cat is, and she tells it all with that subtle expression.

um, if theyre surrendering theres no need to kill them. you already had your fun, varlet

I'd say parley, but that would hardly be objective seeing as I'm fuckin gay for that valkyrie and would hate to see her die. Leash Varlet in, but be very careful. Something smells fishy here. (Insert obligatory pun about cats eating fish)

Alternatively, recruit valkyrie so she can be friends with everyone. Start a gang. Everyone gets a hug.

I'm Gay Spare My Wife

>>728422
Kill the gold wench for being uppity and because you hate her face, put down anyone else who tries to be a hero on general principle.
Other than that though, anything besides stealing their shit is wasted time, better spent doing something actually fun/profitable.

Maybe don't kill these people

>>728441
Oooooooooh

>>728459
Yeah that's nice and all but don't have them calling the shots of the looting.
Something's clearly up (late arrival, weird guard detail, willing to part with goods) and little miss gaudylocks is trying to keep it from being found out.
Besides, she just called a halt to the murder train and as such is entitled to a free trip on it all the way to valhalla, taking the scenic route of course.

Actually im torn on this suggestion bc on one hand i am Gay for the valkyrie, on the other i do enjoy seeing Varlet slicing stuff. Uh. Maybe fight the valkyrie without murdering her??

>>728470
That is generally considered to not be how a parley works.

Leash.

Leash. Honoring a conditional surrender means maybe winning with no fight at all next time, which tends to be worth it.

Lay down some extra terms while you've got 'em talking, though. Information, first of all: exact inventory to double-check their "just enough for the return trip" claims, what politics are behind the odd team-up, anything else. Second, presumably they've got a mechanic and spare parts, in case of accidents? Fix up the tanker. Easier to steal if it's mobile under it's own power.

FRACTAL 2016/06/27(Mon)20:06 No. 732289 ID: 34dbe0
File 146708320977.png - (524.71KB , 800x555 , 19.png )

[SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT.]

You're Cleveland Bones and you sort of sometimes listen to TIOS, and you're listening now. "What do you mean?"

[LATE ARRIVAL. AS OF YET UNHEARD-OF VENETIRIAN/PANZAVECCHIAN ALLIANCE. UNUSUAL WILLINGNESS OF A VALKYRIE - A UNIT USUALLY KNOWN FOR PRIDE AND TENACITY - TO SURRENDER IMMEDIATELY.] TIOS beeps softly, considering. [SUGGESTED ACTION: LEASH VARLET, PROCEED WITH CAUTION.]

"Gotcha." Cleveland steps forward just as Varlet loses his patience - the suit surges forward, snarling, and she grabs the back of his neck and jerks him backwards. "Hey. Hey."

Varlet snarls and kicks. She digs her fingers in harder, seeking out the points either side of his throat that by now she has nearly memorized. "Hey," she says again, voice quiet and measured. "Come on, Var. Come back."

Her fingers dig into something that makes him spasm, then soften, and she pulls him back hard against her shoulder. He blinks once, disoriented, and then shoves his face into her neck. "Oh, Christ - come on, Var, get back on your feet. Need ya."

As he comes around, Cleveland takes a lazy step forward, one hand on his shoulder, the other dangling a gun loosely against her thigh. "Hey. Valkyrie."

FRACTAL 2016/06/27(Mon)20:07 No. 732290 ID: 34dbe0
File 146708322522.png - (284.75KB , 800x501 , 20.png )

"Lieutenant Jasper Montresor," she corrects. "High Priestess of Venetir."

"Uh. Yeah." Cleveland checks the safety on her magnum, blows a little dust off the barrel. "Gotta ask. What's going on?"

Jasper says nothing. Cleveland shrugs and continues. "I mean. Really. You're Venetirian. And you're gonna surrender? Gonna surrender and let us take almost everything? When there's only two of us?"

The Valkyrie's voice is tight. "I'm trying to minimize loss of life."

"Again. You're Venetirian. Never been much of a priority for you guys." Cleveland gestures vaguely with her gun. "What are you hiding?"

FRACTAL 2016/06/27(Mon)20:07 No. 732291 ID: 34dbe0
File 146708323625.png - (405.29KB , 800x503 , 21.png )

Jasper chuckles softly. Doesn't stop. Soon she's laughing in earnest, loud and careless. The sound doesn't echo in the vast desert, the sound sucked mercilessly into the sand. When she looks back at Cleveland and Varlet, herexpression is wild. "Damn your eyes." She pitches forward, fingers flexing eagerly around the hilt of her axe. "Damn your fucking eyes. Venetir take you to hell. I was hoping you'd be vile enough to insist on attacking."

Cleveland sighs tiredly.

Jasper pays her no mind. "Then I'd have an excuse to slaughter you."

Cleveland gestures again, weary, her eyebrows raising only slightly. "Is, like, the irony of this reaching you at all."

"Die, then! Rot with the rest of the heretics." Jasper swings her axe behind her, raising a heavy cloud of sand. "At least honor me by dying like warriors, privateer scum."

"We're not privateers, we're pirates with a - oh, fuck it." Cleveland touches her com device lightly. "Do we have a gameplan, here?"

She really, REALLY wants you to attack. So maybe. Don't do that.

Varlet: ignore her and loot the caravan. Cleveland: keep an eye on her so she doesn't attack while your backs are turned, in case she decides honor is for chumps.

What the hell is a high priestess doing playing caravan guard? Either the stuff inside is beyond priceless (and in that case she wouldn't be surrendering) or she screwed up somewhere and whomever leads the Venetirian wants her out of sight.

... recruitment opportunity maybe?

run the fuck away at the earliest opportunity. honor is for other people!

Oh wait. It isn't what they are guarding. It is who they are guarding. Do a check on every single one of those civilians.

>>732291
Just because you just asked us to fight, we're not going to.
Raspberry here.

You could just... accept the offered resources and agree to not look closely at their caravan.

Politely as you can manage: "Lieutenant Montresor! I am formally accepting your offer of surrender. In my capacity as your captor, I order you to field-strip any weapons you happen to be carrying, lay the parts out on the ground in front of you, and then step back. If you disobey this order without immediately providing a valid reason, I will kill you, but any nonbeligerents will still be spared, per the terms you proposed."

>>732313
LMAO

uh, is varlet ok?

>>732291
Oh this is precious, she's on a leash herself. seems the poor dear is under orders not to fight if negotiation is on the table. that must grate as much as working with people she thinks of as heretics.
yeah something real strange is at stake here, and it's possibly a person rather than the cargo.

Anyhoo she's likely to make herself a problem if you try and find out what's really going on, so either take her out or take her up on that parlay, with revised looting terms of course.
In either case, get TIOS to see if they can pick up anything of interest with those handy dandy sensors and try to piece together the irregularities.

FRACTAL 2016/08/25(Thu)10:39 No. 744319 ID: 03c8e7
File 147214678597.png - (368.92KB , 700x490 , 22.png )

updates will be in black and white until i get some tablet issues sorted on my new computer. thank you for your patience!

Up on the hill, TIOS whirrs and scans. Something seems to click, and it says [KEEP THE PARLEY. THEY CAN'T OVERPOWER YOU. THE CARGO IS ALL IN ORDER. NOTHING STRANGE.] A pause. [BASED ON AVAILABLE INFORMATION: THE IRREGULARITY IS A PERSON.]

"Gotcha. Thanks, TIOS." You shake Varlet a little by the scruff, and he finally comes all the way around, blinking and groaning. "Check the civilians."

"You will not." Jasper's armor clinks sharply as she levels her axe at you. "Come near the caravan and die."

You're very exhausted. "Oh, my god. You're so fucking stupid. You just confirmed it. If you wanna do this, though, fine - Venetirian armor is expensive and when we sell it off your corpse I'm gonna buy myself some chocolate."

Varlet snickers into your neck. "Where are you gonna find chocolate?"

"Oh, I'll find it. I know people."

FRACTAL 2016/08/25(Thu)10:40 No. 744320 ID: 03c8e7
File 147214680619.png - (332.07KB , 700x470 , 23.png )

You're thinking too hard about where you're going to find a chocolate hookup and you barely catch the beginning of Jasper's charge. You gotta ask who the hell runs at someone with a gun when they've only got a melee weapon, but before you can aim, a clear voice rings out from further back in the caravan, and Jasper jerks to a stop, as if on a leash.

"Lieutenant, please stop. I find this unsightly."

You lean sideways and narrow your eyes, trying to catch the speaker, and Varlet follows your movement. They emerge from behind one of the vans, their gait unhurried.

"What are you doing?" Jasper gasps. The speaker is small-framed, probably a bit younger than you, but they might just look like that because they seem well-fed and pampered. They smile and press one delicate hand to Jasper's arm. "Get back in the cabin!"

"My knight. I understand your feelings, but this is a time of pragmatism. We cannot throw away mercy when it is presented." They pull away and face you. The calmness on their face is irritating to you. "I apologize for my priestess' behavior. Please forgive her. She does not have the gift of diplomacy."

"You don't have the gift of basic retention," you say flatly. "Where's this mercy you're talking about? I don't remember offering that."

Their eyes lid gently. "You will."

You've already decided you don't like them. "Shut the fuck up."

"Allow me to introduce myself, and then I'll honor your request." They pull away from Jasper, tucking their hands back into their sleeves. "I am an unnamed prophet of Venetir. I have been exiled by our holy and most exalted leader, who sees me as false. This caravan was meant to take me out into the wastes and leave me for dead - I am beloved by the people, so it was to be done in secret." Their expression remains serene throughout the entire statement.

Jasper grinds her teeth. "That's not true. That's what we were ordered to do, but I was never going to do it - That's why I was going to let them take half the supplies - we would have just kept going, to Grand Alora, and stayed there -"

"Lieutenant. I appreciate your love for me, but your willingness to throw away your place in the army by committing such flagrant treason is alarming," the prophet interrupts softly. "However, these pirates are our saviors."

They tilt their head at you "As I said, I am beloved by the people of the Venetirian state. Leave all in my escort unharmed, and take me for ransom. I will be killed after being returned to my state - likely horribly, as our holy and most exalted leader will be furious at my escape from the initial exile - but you will make more than you would from any cargo we could possibly carry. It will be the wealth of a nation."

Nice. Let's do it, why the hell not. If the valkyrie tries to stop us we can sell her armour too, it's a win/win

Huh, is she trying to start a riot\rebellion? That is the only reason I can think she'd go willingly to her death. She wants to create a martyr.

wow no that's shady as heck no thanks.

uh why would they offer that

Uh, nah. We'll just be looting your shit, thanks. Not betting these guys are gonna pay us shit for you.

Sounds like a plot. But. Iiii don't think we want to go for the ransom. Sounds shady. Can TIOS check some external databases for us? A fact check seems in order. the priestess is... so pretty ☆☆☆☆☆ but also unsettling. A+

>>744320
"What's in it for you?"

Get ready to shoot her. "Prove it." If she doesn't immediately begin doing so, shoot her.

>>744320
Well she certainly seems genuinely selfless, but she might be overestimating how good of a ransom she is: if she is beloved by anyone even nearly as fanatical as the good lieutenant then that could become a headache. Also if her state expected her to die in exile, they might well just leave her in our care instead of making sure she dies.
That said, all this trouble was on her behalf so you might be on to a winner: nab her and the cargo; we don't hurt her people directly so she stays happy, we get a guaranteed payoff in loot and a potential bonus jackpot if she does indeed prove worth bank.

A CORNERED FOX IS MORE DANGEROUS THAN A JACKAL
SHE IS SELFLESS BUT PERSUASIVE
THE PERFECT MOUTH
DO NOT TRUST HER WORDS
THEY SING IN THE NAME OF THE CORRUPT

Basically, one of the best ways to con someone is to send an outright suicidal messenger. With good manners.

Take EVERYONE hostage. Stab detonators in anyone who seems off. Honor the deal, but be paranoid about the suicidal priestess attached to the ax-crazy hound of war. Even if they aren't planning something big or part of something big, you can expect Jasper to lose her mind the moment her suicidal girlfriend loses a hair.

How the fuck are we your saviours? Youre another mouth to feed,with no way to prove who you are and a pain in the ass girlfriend, why should we trust you? Why should you WANT this? How do you know you'll be ransomed? Most importantly: WHATS stopping us from taking you AND the cargo?
This is too shady, and we need the loot.

Angry, huh? Angry enough to shoot the messenger?
I'm seeing some less risky options here.

1) If your enemies would pay so dearly to have you back, how about your friends? A resistance movement would be more desperate to have her, especially when we could just as easily sell her to the state.
2) Fuck politics, give us the supplies and scram.

"You're more obnoxious than your girlfriend, I don't see much reason to trust you, and I don't have much use for 'the wealth of a nation' other than having it stolen. So unless you happen to have some chocolate and a reason to even begin to trust either of you gilded madwomen I'm gonna let you two work out your sexual tension with significantly less stuff."

So, all the nonessential supplies, plus some kind of princess to ransom back or keep as a slave or whatever, at your discretion? In exchange for the rest being allowed to leave safely? Sounds like a pretty good deal.

If that's not the deal any of them intended to offer, politely remind everybody that, as the party who was just ambushed and demobilized, they're not in a super great position to haggle. If the valkyrie can't keep her figurative pants on, or anybody else tries anything stupid, cat and crow go back to plan A.

No deal. This is a contract job. We fulfil that by delivering gasoline, not some dolled-up bint.

>>744839
Think of all the life and death situations we'll get into if we take her up on this offer!

It's going to be awesome, there'll be fighting and killing and shooting and slicing and ALL THE BACKFLIPS!

>>744998
Second. We need to focus on what's really important here.

>>744320
>I am an unnamed prophet of Venetir

Wait, serious problem here, can't believe I didn't notice it earlier. When we call up the holy and most exalted leader and tell him "we've got an exiled false prophet of Venetir here, how much will you pay for live delivery," what if he says "Which one? I exile a lot of false prophets, you're gonna have to be more specific. What's the kid's name?" What are we supposed to say? "I dunno, she claims to be un-named?" If I was in his position at that point I might think it was a prank call, or a scammer who didn't think things through very well at all.

Might also, if he's a competent politician, not want to spend a lot of money on giving you a perfect public martyrdom, and instead just blow you up from as far away as possible, without regard for the safety of your captors. We don't get paid in that scenario either.

fuck this shit recruit them as pirates instead

Are you just trying to distract us from the fact there's nothing worth looting in this caravan? We oughtta blow your brains out for wasting our time.

FRACTAL 2017/03/27(Mon)19:36 No. 791025 ID: 218f17
File 149066860546.png - (408.69KB , 700x410 , 24.png )

You don't have time for this shit. "Uh, no. We're just gonna take all your shit and leave, I think." At a wave, TIOS begins driving the rig down from the dune. "Sorry. Just not really sounding like a worthwhile deal to us."

Jasper is frothing. "If you think we're just going to STAND HERE and let you take all our supplies, if you think we're just going to let you leave us for dead -"

"Peace, Lieutenant." Pacifist McShithead smiles gently, and you roll your eyes as you head over to their rig and start to hook it up to your own. "This may all be in -"

"If you say it's all in God's plan I'm going to shoot you in the head," you call over your shoulder. "Right in the fucking head."

FRACTAL 2017/03/27(Mon)19:37 No. 791026 ID: 218f17
File 149066862366.png - (376.77KB , 700x398 , 25.png )

It's a good haul. Around 17000 liters of gasoline, nearly the capacity of your rig's tanker, enough rations to feed you and varlet for maybe two months after the cut - and that's a generous estimate, anyway - and nearly 5000 liters of clean water. There's no WAY you aren't going to get the week's commendation for this. "Venetirians are so fucking loaded," you mutter, as you and Varlet load the last of the rations into the rig.

He's mostly come back to his senses, and he giggles conspiratorially. "Commendation, commenDAtion, oh my gggggod. It's been SO long."

"We're gonna get to keep, like, 60% of this." You slam the side storage door and dust your hands off against each other. "What do you wanna do with the three-day indulgence."

"Take BATHS, obviously," he responds immediately. "JACK OFF in the bath. For three DAYS Eat WAY MORE RATIONS THAN I NEED, while JACKING OFF, in the BA-"

TIOS interrupts in your com sets. [APPROACHING RIG. MARKED AS A MEMBER OF THE SCREAMING FLEET.]

FRACTAL 2017/03/27(Mon)19:37 No. 791027 ID: 218f17
File 149066865905.png - (383.51KB , 700x425 , 26.png )

"Oh, hell." You wave absently at Montresor and the prophet, already getting a foot up on the rig in preparation. "Any idea which crew?"

[LAUGHTER. THE PARLOR TRICKS.]

Varlet immediately bursts out in hysterics. Your jaw sets. "Okay, we're going. We gotta go. Let's go immediately."

>>791027
varlet if you dont shut the fuck up and get in the big car there wont be water for you to jack off into

start the engine even if he isn't in the cab - he'll hop on (or not)

are you done? is everything ready? gO
(varlet can stay here, since he seems to be enjoying himself so much)

Screw it.

Leave the civies to the mercy of the fleet. They'll make for a good distraction while you escape, but you need to leave and you need to hide.

FLOOR IT!

>>791027
history much?

Vroom vroom. Don't forget to pick up TiOS on your way out. The rest of these suckers can eat your dust, Varlet included.

Get one of the civilians to drive at gunpoint, stay alert and defend your haul from the new crowd

FRACTAL 2017/07/26(Wed)00:01 No. 818505 ID: 160092
File 150105246680.png - (425.29KB , 700x482 , 27.png )

You hop on the rig and TIOS floors it. It's driving remotely, of course, and stops the rig to allow itself to clip onto the top deck. Based on the screeching you can hear behind you, Varlet just barely managed to grab onto the handlebars near the tanker's coupling.

[PARLOR TRICKS APPROACHING AT HIGH SPEED,] TIOS warns you. [THE MAJESTY IS FASTER THAN BLACK BETTY, CLEVELAND, YOU KNOW THAT.]

You spit off the side of the rig, scowling. The Majesty is The Parlor Tricks' rig; Black Betty, your own. What kind of fucking name is The Majesty anyway. Bunch of assholes.

[INCOMING COMMUNICATION,] TIOS says, and somehow its toneless voice is managing to sound tired.

"Shit. Fuck. Shit shit fuck shit f-"

FRACTAL 2017/07/26(Wed)00:01 No. 818506 ID: 160092
File 150105248719.png - (409.02KB , 700x474 , 28.png )

"Now, HEY, little sister, is this any way to greet me?"

You slap the side of the rig as the familiar voice cuts across your comlink. Eulogy Bones, captain of The Parlor Tricks, your fraternal twin and eternal pain in your fucking ass. You reach up to smack the button on your comlink so hard you nearly drive it into your skull. "This is an assigned job, Eulogy. No scavenging."

"Who's scavenging? Maybe I just wanted to see you!"

[THE MAJESTY HAS CRESTED THE DUNE, WILL REACH THE CARAVAN MOMENTARILY.]

FRACTAL 2017/07/26(Wed)00:01 No. 818508 ID: 160092
File 150105249908.png - (541.32KB , 700x536 , 29.png )

You switch over to your crew channel. "I can't do this. I can't fucking talk to her. I don't wanna see her, I don't wanna see her stupid sexy first mate -"

"HER WHAT," Varlet shrieks.

"TIOS, can we go ANY faster-"

"WHAT DID YOU CALL HIM?"

FRACTAL 2017/07/26(Wed)00:02 No. 818509 ID: 160092
File 150105253159.png - (0.97MB , 700x1580 , 30.png )

You've met The Parlor Tricks, another pirate crew within the Screaming Fleet. Their diplomacy level is set to AFFILIATED: if you're in mortal danger, they're likely to assist you, but in most cases they'll put their own wellbeing over yours (including to your direct detriment). You cannot play as any member of The Parlor Tricks unless you get at least the captain's and the first mate's diplomacy level to ALLIED.

Are you allowed to shoot out her tires? Maybe generate a smokescreen and gain some headway in the cloud?

>better than cleveland at literally everything

no way. cleveland's got better skill, ability, and constitution. >>727159

does black betty have like. nitrous? can you rocket away really fast, before varlet turns *too* green with jealousy?

i mean, what can they even do to you at this point? you've already made off with the loot, so just grin and bear your twin's... whatever it is

FRACTAL 2017/07/26(Wed)00:42 No. 818518 ID: 160092
File 150105492177.png - (91.61KB , 700x600 , goodpoint.png )

>>818515

>>818511
Don't shoot out The Majesty's tires, just have TIOS drop caltrops and maybe some sort of pursuit-deterrent mines from hammerspace. If anybody asks, you were worrying about that crazy bastard with the axe and the gold armor fixing up one of the caravan's escort bikes or something. Plausible deniability.

Okay, she's smarter, focused on charisma, has a well-rounded team with higher stats than yours, and a better jeep. What she DOESN'T have is INTEL.

I don't care how you do it, just trick your sister into insulting Jasper or threatening Pariah's safety on an open channel. Let Jasper distract her with a berserker suicide rage dash.

>>818525
This is a good point, but I think her crew could probably take Jasper.
Then, even if we've secured the supplies and whatnot, she's likely to figure out what's up with the exile, buy into the idea of ransoming her off and lording the decision over Cleveland. Might even spin it as the better deal and swipe the commendation out from under us.

Might be best to just swipe the exile and control all loot (potential or otherwise), even if she proves to be trouble later.

cleveland has a cruuuuuush

Aren't snipers. like, supposed to be emotionally stable?
How'd you fuck that up?

>>818540
Oh shit. Is not taking the plot bait gonna come back to bite us? Maybe we should go back for her, just in case.

>>818599
Bullshit. We're not gonna get exiled demagogues or sibling rivalry pressure us into accepting a bum deal.

FRACTAL 2017/07/27(Thu)16:29 No. 818898 ID: 160092
File 150119814513.png - (299.01KB , 700x452 , 31.png )

Doing anything to damage The Majesty is a huge no-go. After all, the point of the Screaming Fleet is for everyone to bring as much loot back to the citadel as possible; damaging another crew's rig, even "accidentally," would get you all in extremely deep shit.

"Maybe we should turn around," you say.

"WHAT," shrieks Varlet.

[WHAT,] says TIOS.

"Just - to grab the prophet. I mean, what if they're ACTUALLY as valuable as they said, and The Parlor Tricks snatch them up and get the commendation instead, and -"

[HIGHLY INADVISABLE, AND ALSO STUPID,] TIOS interrupts. [THEY'VE ALREADY CRESTED THE HILL. WE COULDN'T BEAT THEM BACK THERE IF WE TRIED.]

"Well - but - AGH, I JUST DON'T WANT MY SISTER TO HAVE ANY OF OUR SCRAPS."

"ARE YOU TWELVE?!" Varlet screams.

[When playing as Cleveland or Varlet, you can issue commands to TIOS that it will have no choice but to obey (for example, "turn the rig around.") However, if you do this against its advice or opinion - especially repeatedly - you risk lowering its diplomacy level with you (currently DEVOTED to Cleveland and ALLIED with Varlet).]

Give me more speed, TIOS! Don't care how you do it! We aim to leave the Tricks' trucks in the dust.
Maybe taunt Jasper into thinking the cleanup crew was your idea so she cuts loose on 'em.

go go go! who cares if your sister and her crew get your scraps, it's pretty pathetic of them to swoop in after you've done all the dirty work

also the prophet is annoying and if you managed to grab them you'd have to suffer through a car ride with them

If you would fuckin' stop and think like a fuckin' grown-up for two seconds you'd realize that if your goddamn Mary Sue sister stops to pick at the scraps you left behind, it means that she isn't catching up to you with the goddamn main course in your hold! You WANT her to do that in this situation and not try to drop a "accident" on you and steal your haul! Now, TIOS, FULL SPEED AHEAD! Leave 'em in the dust!

>>818898
"Fuck it, nothing's worth not avoiding an encounter with them parlour twits. And screw you I'm not twelve."

LEAVE 'EM IN THE DUST YEAH!

TIOS CAN YOU MAKE SOME KINDA LOUD SOUND THAT SOUNDS LIKE A FART? I WANT THEM TO HEAR IT!

>>818975
this here. its important

FRACTAL 2017/08/10(Thu)23:05 No. 821829 ID: 160092
File 150243155853.png - (543.75KB , 800x736 , 32.png )

"Oh, fuck it. Nothing's worth having an unneeded run-in with them. TIOS, full speed ahead, I want OUT of here." You flick on a refraction cam so you can glare right into Varlet's contacts. "And screw you. I'm not twelve."

"Well, you sure had ME fooled," he snipes back.

"Whatever. TIOS, while we're leaving, get resonance and refraction on The Majesty. I wanna know what they're doing."

[AFFIRMATIVE. AUDIO AND VISUAL COMING RIGHT UP.]



Your sister's grandstanding.

"Up and at 'em, crew! I spy a Valkyrie, and god knows that armor'll keep us in lace!" She leans over the railing, exuberant as always, but her expression grows even more elated when she gets a clearer view of the scuttled caravan. "Ohhhh, Luuuucien. Do you see what I see?"

The stupid sexy first mate leans over her shoulder. "Aye, Captain. Those are a prophet's robes."

"HA! Oh, little sister, your path of least resistance is gonna get you NOWHERE fast." Eulogy makes a wide, swirling gesture over her head. "Malkelia, take the Valkyrie! Lucien, snatch the asset!"

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"You got it, Cap'n!" You know Kel - she's not too bright, and you don't know if you'd say she's particularly loyal to your sister, but she likes the way The Parlor Tricks do things, and she's a terror in a fight.

You were ready to try to sic Jasper on the Tricks, somehow, but it looks like they're ready to do it themselves anyway. Kel hits the sand hard, rolls, gets up in fighting form, feral and zeroed in - but before she can charge, an animate swarm spills over the side of the majesty and streaks along the sand, around her and between her legs.

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Jasper doesn't scream as the swarm hits her. To her credit, she does get an axe swing or two in before she's overtaken - but none of the blows connect, and she hits the sand under the weight of the churning mass.

Kel swivels around, furious, and TIOS' resonance relay lets you hear what she's shouting into her comlink loud and clear. "VERMIN! THAT WAS MY KILL!"

[CLEVELAND ROMANCE ROUTE LOST: JASPER MONTRESOR]

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From up on deck, Vermilion II, the youngest member of the Tricks, is smirking. "Oops. And I know pronunciation is hard for you, but if you could try to get my name right, just this once-"

"YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT. HOW'D YOU LIKE IT IF I FUCKEN SMASHED UP SOME OF YOUR PRECIOUS RATS, HUH?"

"You better not," Vermilion sneers. "It'll make me SAD and then I'll DIE and then who's gonna stop them from skeletonizing YOU?"

"Cut it out, Kel," says Eulogy. "Vermin, good kill, but don't act without orders, you know that. Get the rats to bring the armor up, and I want not a scratch on it. Lucien, how's the prisoner?"

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The prisoner is screaming.

"Jasper - Jasper - My knight- UNHAND me! Unhand me, you barbarian!" The prophet's tiny hands are doing exactly nothing as they beat against Lucien's broad chest. "How could you?!"

Lucien's not looking at her. "I apologize, sincerely, for your anguish and suffering. It is not our express intent to cause you pain." They're on the deck, then, in a showy burst of steam. "But we are pirates, and this is the way of the wastes. If you were unprepared to defend yourselves, you should not have come here."

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The prophet weeps, still struggling against Lucien's tight grip. "You're monsters. You're monsters - and the others would have left us to die- horrible. Horrible!" They finally fall limp, trembling. "We should have never tried to negotiate. Every single one of you - all pirates are beasts."

[The Unnamed Prophet's diplomacy level against all members of the Screaming Fleet has been set to VENDETTA.]

[CLEVELAND/VARLET/TIOS ROMANCE ROUTE LOST: THE UNNAMED PROPHET]

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You've unlocked information about DIPLOMACY LEVELS and ROMANCE.

A person's DIPLOMACY LEVEL determines how beneficial or harmful they'll be to you and those affiliated with you.

VENDETTA: This person will do everything in their power to fuck you over. They are consumed with the desire to stop you from achieving your goals. VENDETTA is a diplomacy level that cannot be changed with normal socialization - under extenuating circumstances, you may be able to change a VENDETTA diplomacy level by illuminating a serious misconception about the event that led to the level change, but typically VENDETTA persists until death. You cannot romance someone with a VENDETTA against you, or a VENDETTA against anyone whose diplomacy level with you is FRIENDLY or better.

HOSTILE: If this person sees you, they will vigorously attempt to fuck you over. They are eager to stop you from achieving your goals. However, out of sight, out of mind - they have their own business to attend to, and won't go out of their way to hunt you down unless it would be to their immense benefit.

NEUTRAL: This person wouldn't feel bad about fucking you over. They don't care if you achieve your goals or not. If you don't bother them, they won't bother you.

AFFILIATED: This person wouldn't feel bad about fucking you over, as long as doing so wouldn't put you in mortal danger. They share at least some goals with you, and will help you if doing so would benefit them. All members of the Screaming Fleet are, by default, AFFILIATED with The Cat and Crow.

FRIENDLY: This person would be extremely reluctant to fuck you over. They're happy to help you achieve your goals, as long as doing so wouldn't be too troublesome to them. You can easily ask this person for assistance, loans of equipment or items, and information, and they will likely offer it for free.

ALLIED: This person will not fuck you over unless doing so would be to their immense benefit, or not doing so would threaten their life. They consider your goals and their own goals to be the same. You're a team, and they'll follow orders/consider suggestions almost all of the time, within reason. All members of a crew must be at least ALLIED with each other, or the crew risks dissolution; to be able to play as members of a crew besides The Cat and Crow, you must reach a diplomacy level of ALLIED with that crew's captain AND first mate.

DEVOTED: This person would never fuck you over. They want nothing more than to help you achieve your goals. The severity of an action required to change a DEVOTED diplomacy level is about the same as what would be required to incite VENDETTA, and similarly, DEVOTION typically lasts until death. DEVOTION can be either platonic or romantic, and both are equally intense.

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A person who is DEVOTED to someone else becomes an incredible support resource to them in combat; meanwhile, a pair who experience reciprocal DEVOTION for each other are a nearly unstoppable force. Both romantic and platonic DEVOTION offer this effect; there's no real mechanical benefit to trying to pursue romance over friendship.

But romance is fun! Cleveland, Varlet, and TIOS are all bisexual, but any one of them may reject individual romance options based on their personal tastes. Additionally, certain romance options may be only available to certain crew members; for example, Jasper was a lesbian, and would never consider an AI an equal, so she was unavailable to Varlet and TIOS.

Even if you gain control of other romanceable characters, a romance can only be progressed when playing as a member of The Cat and Crow (as in, you can't gain control of a romance option, play as them, and suddenly start issuing commands like "ask Cleveland out.")

Almost every NPC is romanceable. But you have limited time and energy, and some may not be okay with you having more than one love interest - if you stretch yourself too thin, you won't be able to pursue something meaningful.

TIOS- begin putting the moves on Vermilion.

>[CLEVELAND ROMANCE ROUTE LOST: JASPER MONTRESOR]
So that's her last name. Screw her.
>[The Unnamed Prophet's diplomacy level against all members of the Screaming Fleet has been set to VENDETTA.]
Less insignificant, but without Jasper she's just a helpless wretch.
>Every single one of you - all pirates are beasts
Keep this speech in mind next time you talk to her: {News flash, 8!+(# - this wasteland strips people of their sanity, dehydrates their decency, and physically eviscerates the transient few who are morally incorruptible. We're still human BECAUSE we left everything else behind. Hell, you got better treatment than most outcasts because the fleet chose to have balanced madmen criticizing each other instead of purely artistic rape mayhem.

Hell is other people. We keep ourselves fed to buffer our vulgarity with fat and rhetoric, but when body or mind are deprived you can see what vibrant horrors we can come up with.}

>>821842
Nah man, rats and circuitry go together like prophets and pirates.

uhh congratulations to the parlor tricks for succesfully handling a situation. this is gonna come back to bite us in the ass

We don't have a crewmember that oneshots people like Vermin, do we? Man, I think we're outgunned.

>>821835
Well, I'm sure we'll be hearing about this in the immediate future.
Clevelend, start bracing for mockery now, you might even be somewhat ready for when the inevitable smugening happens.

But for now, all of you take comfort in the fat loot you've gotten to haul away.

>>821851
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes,
A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life

okay I see two main options. just fuck off back to base and stew about this, or go steal the prophet from your sister.

pros of fucking off: dont gotta interact with eulogy
cons of fucking off: loser baby move

pros of swiping the prophet:
1) You Win, Haha Eulogy
2) Big Sexy (Lucien and KEL...)

cons of swiping the prophet:
1) no real plan
2) its probably a bad idea
3) Interaction With Sister
4) Big Sexies would be mad, probably
5) prophet has a vendetta. they dont seem particularly dangerous, but its still there.

Third option: Fucking off for now, trying to swipe the prophet later on down the road after some planning. Thats what I think we should do.

The best move here is to get this load of supplies to home base and get rewarded. Whatever profit might have been had by taking the prophet, we (RIGHTLY) decided we aren't poised to be able to effectively exploit it. We made a decision to not deal with her, or her shit, and now that someone else has decided to try it we're acting like stupid jealous kids? Fuck that, we've got a real win here with all this booty we scored.

The Tricks are going to get themselves into some really deep shit with all this showy, high profile garbage. Fuck them and the shitstorm they're stirring up. Let's get back to base with our haul.