C!

B for BEETS!!

Most practical to me seems temple, beets, then bar.

Sarcoph 2025/04/25(Fri)18:45 No. 1106940 ID: ede601
File 174563195605.png - (278.39KB , 550x500 , drunk_3.png )

>>1106931
No, I’m usually drunker. But my wife helps close up if that’s the case. I’ve just been incredibly bored without my family around tonight.

I should get my shopping done ready-quick then. I’m in the market now with a basket. I need to stock up on more yakbeets for the wife. Although there are yams and mangoes to collect as well.

Yakbeets are a popular vegetable here. Very easy to grow in high altitudes. But good for making beetshine: a traditional chupian alcohol.

Sarcoph 2025/04/25(Fri)18:46 No. 1106941 ID: ede601
File 174563197737.png - (201.56KB , 550x500 , drunk_4.png )

“Well hello there, Dama! Mighty fine evening we’re having, aren’t we? I see you’re picking up some yakbeets, eh? How’s the wife and kids?”

“You MUST sample the hottest new drink around the village! It’s fermented oxplums! Pretty strong stuff if you ask me! Just take one!”

just take one? okay
*takes the bottle instead of the sample cup and downs it*

Definitely sample

Okay, put the drink in the bag. The wife will love it.

Be a renegade.

Have TWO samples.

Okay here's what you do
Gargle the sample, spit it in her face, then scream "I'll take your entire stock!"

Well you won't know if you like it unless you try one first, so take one and then enjoy the second slower.

>>1106941
Take one, then buy a bottle! Keep it in a brown paper bag, its a suprise tool that will help us later!

Sarcoph 2025/04/25(Fri)19:17 No. 1106954 ID: ede601
File 174563387486.png - (229.59KB , 550x500 , drunk_5.png )

Well okay.

I grab the bottle, uncork it and take several samples.

“Wait Dama! That wasn’t part of—“

My raised finger gestures him to close his mouth. Several gulps sting my throat, but the aftertaste of oxplums remain.

“Well uh…”

He brings up a brochure to read some facts I don’t care listening to.

“The oxplum something something something—blah blah”

So uh… uhm… what do you think?”

>>1106952
>>1106950
I was too busy drinking to answer yet

Good, but it won't beat yakbeets.

Be sure to buy some

>>1106954
Pay for the bottle! And another! That was greeat!!! Also take a sample on your way out!

I think I'm gonna buy some oxplums and forget about them.

>>1106955
This

Great, now we have to buy the bottle!
(And the yakbeats)

Give them a tip for the great beverage.

Sarcoph 2025/04/25(Fri)20:16 No. 1106965 ID: ede601
File 174563739421.png - (128.72KB , 550x500 , drunk_6.png )

I tell the sir or ma’am that it’s okay. It won’t beat the OG beetshine. Plumshine has a while to go. Still, I pay for a bottle. And the current bottle I’ve downed. Maybe the wife will like it. Put it in tomorrow’s dinner.

Hell, I grab some oxplums too. I got the money. I’m pretty much the richest guy in town. I can afford it.

Sarcoph 2025/04/25(Fri)20:16 No. 1106966 ID: ede601
File 174563741372.png - (246.05KB , 550x500 , drunk_7.png )

I got the yakbeets. Plenty to last the week.

I pay for my shit and walk out the store. The floor outside looks a bit wobbly. I mean… the road. Walkway? I have to figure out where to go next--

Sarcoph 2025/04/25(Fri)20:17 No. 1106967 ID: ede601
File 174563742718.png - (285.18KB , 550x500 , drunk_8.png )

“Oh! Well if it isn’t Dama~ My, my--it’s been a while since I’ve seen you ‘round these parts.”

“I hear your wife is on a trip--but it must be really lonely without her.”

“Looks like you could use a good cuddle, hmm?”

It’s the local cuddle escort...

>>1106967
Be gone temptress! You're not my beautiful wife.

Bros before cuddles. To the tavern!

>>1106967
No.

Temple seems like a good next stop, idk how well we’d pray AFTER much merriment has been had. Wherever we go next, we should invite the escort, why not?

>>1106969
Your numbers make this the obviously correct choice. It's time for tavern time with the boys!

Maybe later... the Tavern calls!

sadly you still have shit to do before you can slack off so maybe next time.

Sarcoph 2025/04/25(Fri)21:16 No. 1106980 ID: ede601
File 174564101827.png - (225.73KB , 550x500 , drunk_9.png )

Hey. HEY! You’re not my beautiful wife! This isn’t my beautiful house! Sorry ma’am, maybe next time! I’ve got places to be!

I take my leave. There are plenty other villagers for her to spend the night with.

Sarcoph 2025/04/25(Fri)21:18 No. 1106982 ID: ede601
File 174564108905.png - (331.20KB , 550x500 , drunk_10.png )

DRUNKENESS LEVEL 2
I meander around town before I reach the tavern. Those oxplums are sure givin’ me head a spin. I bust open the front door and resist a belch to assert dominance.

All heads spin to face me. Silence. And after a short interval, everyone raises their glasses.

“Ey!! It’s Dama!”

“What an awesome guy!”

“Now it’s a party!!”

“Take a seat buddy! First drink’s on me!”

“No! Me!”

“I owe him a beer, come o’er here!”

To be continued to tomorrow or something

>>1106982
Accept all three beers!

Take it one beer at a time, you can't chat if you're busy chugging.

>>1106982
I've tried to make the Sign of the Cross with one hand before.

Two thumbs per hand, that was the ticket!

Take all their beers and drink 'em simultaneously.

Drink one at a time! Maybe have a drinking game with the boys! Tell 'em about the new oxplum stuff.

Sarcoph 2025/04/26(Sat)18:20 No. 1107038 ID: ede601
File 174571682625.png - (291.92KB , 550x500 , drunk_11.png )

I accept all the beers. The boys sure know how to keep it loud in here. I’m pretty quiet most days I visit--but the alcohol helps loosen me up and tolerate their woes.

I’m three beers in, one after the other. One of the boys starts hiccoughing and rambles.

“My wife is such a thorn in my side! I come home after a long day of work and she just nags me to do the dishes! And I’m like: WOMAN!”

“Heh haha haha! Haa!”

“You guys aint have it bad at all! Why, MY wife has her sister staying at the house and they had the AUDACITY to tell me to stop practicing my throat-singing when they CLEARLY KNOW I have a sermon coming up!”

“Haw hurr hrm hrr hrr”

“Oh yeah? Well my wife tells me to chop some firewood while I’m watching the playoffs of the century. So I just turn up the volume to drown her voice out!”

“HAW HAW HAW! HAR! HAR!”

“What about YOU Dama? hic Ya know, we never hear YOU complain! You must’ve shown her to MIND her BEESWAX a loooong time ago!”

There’s a sudden gasp and the whole tavern goes silent.

Because MY wife is THE -

And then you fall over

>>1107038
Express at length how much you love your wife and how great she is.

Calmly hug this man. Tell him you love your wife like no other

And then suplex him

Damn chemicals in the water turning all the beers gay!!

Ahhhh, boomer humor

"My wife is such a thorn, every day she makes my dick rock hard during business hours at the bathhouse when I'm supposed to be working, so I always gotta punish her by fucking her senseless to take care of that"

>>1107043
to add on, end with: "Why do you think i have so many offsprings?"

Serenade the entire tavern about how perfect and loving your wife is in a booze-fueled musical number! Nobody may ever believe them, but you know your wife will. Your love for her is undying, like a billion hot suns! Or a really steamy, hot, sexy sauna. And then also suplex that one guy.

Our wife is cherished as hell! We must vehemently inform them of this! And also hope that last guy’s wife isn’t a deer. I wouldn’t wanna see her angry.

Jab your fingers straight into a pressure point and knock him out cold.

No, but I have half a MIND to teach YOU this lesson instead. Proceed to then down an entire can in one go and shout "FOR MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE!"

Sarcoph 2025/04/26(Sat)19:41 No. 1107051 ID: ede601
File 174572168431.png - (192.44KB , 550x500 , drunk_12.png )

I stand up towering over most of the tavern patrons. I turn to the ingrate who assumed such nonsensical assumptions.

“Beacu-ase...” I begin to murmur, “I wouldn’t be sittin’ here if it weren’t for mmy bewtiful pergeanat flower w i f e, you greassy tow el.”

Drunkeness Level 2 Dialogue Unlocked
“Every day I ad mir e a good look at my dummy-thicc wife and thank the twelve god des ses my dick was so lucky. Prob ably why I can’t help but blast mad r o p e s to grant her yet another blesssed child between business hours at the b a t h house. Wat ching her █████ █████ riles me up to ████ that █████ over and ████ ██ ██ ████ my ████ ache when ███ █ its ██████ █████ ██ ████████ █████ as soon as she █████ █████.

In fact I love the sight of the █████ of my ████ ████████ down her ████ and ███████ █ █████ where she walks.

“In ffact I ffeel somewhat saddened lissenin that the lott of you never fully appreciate the comp an y of your own wifes--and fail tocon tribute your half of the relationssships.

“So yeah. I cannt com plain. Not with her ███ ████ ████ ████████ on ██ ████ everynnight...”

Sarcoph 2025/04/26(Sat)19:41 No. 1107052 ID: ede601
File 174572170256.png - (240.99KB , 550x500 , drunk_13.png )

“Man. You didn’t have to go all out like that, Dama. I-I was just… ya know… I didn’t mean...”

“I ought to… go home and sleep.”

I down the final can in one go. And I flip him. For my WIFE!! I don’t know if I did it right, but he’s asleep now. People go back to chattering.

My fundoshi feels tighter for some reason.

And I gotta rock a piss.

And I’m hungry. What else do I do here at the tavern?

I guess hit the restroom. No point in waiting for a better time

Play a round of beeriards (beer billiards). Every ball you sink in a pocket is another shot you get to down.

When you gotta go, you gotta go.

Drunken Karaoke

>>1107052
Go to the restroom, and have a glass of water to ward off dehydration.

Decisions decisions! Better take care of your urinary needs before any food though. To the bathroom! But then how will you put your fundoshi back on if you're too hard? Better go without! You're the bathhouse guy, it's probably totally fine. Just calmly assert dominance!

Hope the tavern has a nice restroom! Should handle that

And then we gotta find enough food to stuff you full

Interrogate the evil lampshade who bad mouthed your relationship, maybe he is the jealous cuddle whore in disguise!

Sarcoph 2025/04/26(Sat)20:55 No. 1107064 ID: ede601
File 174572613720.png - (263.12KB , 550x500 , drunk_14.png )

The bathroom was full. I guess I’ll go ‘round back.
--
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

I can’t.

sstopp.

pissinnnn’.

Uuuuuugh.

What was that? Did someone say something? I thought I heard something.

Must’ve been my imagination.

Deep lore hidden. Drunk level not met.

Sarcoph 2025/04/26(Sat)20:56 No. 1107065 ID: ede601
File 174572616702.png - (189.29KB , 550x500 , drunk_15.png )

>>1107056
Drunkeness Level 2
I normally wouldn’t but okay.

I choose a song that’s been in my head for a while.
(https://youtu.be/rNaDqJuCAF0?si=Y_ntIGBQAuBjj6-u )

Of course, a classic gay church indie folk rock song that defines the chupian style of music.

“♪ In the union of wine
I may be lost, but he is mine
To be on top from behind
and the odor of the refined

I wore out his radio
It's like drinking in the cold with our cheapest find
And the truth that may be told as we piss in rows
That boy is entered on his side as he wonders why ♫”

Seeeems to be getting lates. After thiss jingle I oughtto visit the temple and p r a y...

Eh. Wheh... What do I pray?

stay tunes for the final part tomorrow

DRUNKENESS LEVEL 3 achieved

pray to Ndepthteph, the God of Decay! let's get controversially blasphemous in your drunken state.

Pray for the wife my guy, may she continue rocking your world til it flies into the sun.

Pray to your wife's amazing ass

Pray for your wife of course!

Pray for your family's health, pray for the redemption of the cuddle whore and the lamp guy that threw shade at your marriage, and pray that your children suceed at all their endeavours, especially Vikta, he needs lots of help.

Wife Prayer go!

pray for your wife, so lucky you are to have her, and pray for your children so they can find someone just as good as her for them.

>>1107065
PRAY to keep your wife fat and yours

>>1107068
Oh yeah you cant have wine without decay

Sarcoph 2025/04/27(Sun)17:59 No. 1107110 ID: ede601
File 174580195450.png - (289.07KB , 550x500 , drunk_16.png )

>>1107068
Baah. There were a coupple misshinariess that came by the bafthhouse o n c e. Bunch-a... detritus if you a s k me.
--
We have a bit of a panthe on. Most ly matriarchal.

Ther’d the goddess of s n o w.

God dess of fur.

The psy cho pomp. Goddess of kitchen cabinets. God of… of. G o d of frisson--the tears when lissen’in to a song. Goddess of... mid sum mer where youth e x p i r e s. God of djent sticks. Goddess of... of a sadness that you’ll never really know what other people think of you. Goddess of nostalgia for a time you’ve never known.

Feh? Oh. I hadn’t noticed myself stopping before the psychopomp. Somethin’ about hallways, that one. You can pray to any statue, so may as well.

Sarcoph 2025/04/27(Sun)17:59 No. 1107111 ID: ede601
File 174580198526.png - (229.86KB , 550x500 , drunk_17.png )

Uh...

I don’t usually pray heavy. I just get the...

--normal pray out of the way usually.

I pray... uh.

For my wife’s amazing ass. Sure.

But my wife in general, for sshe carries a nother youngling.

And the ch-rildren she bore.

Sashi...

D e e mus.

And our littlest. Vi.. Vikta.

Make him grow fur soon.

May they travel their long halls.

Sarcoph 2025/04/27(Sun)18:00 No. 1107112 ID: ede601
File 174580200362.png - (241.15KB , 550x500 , drunk_18.png )

sip

Hmm. Communal w i i n e.

Drunken level didn't raise... waaaaaaiiiit a minute,

THIS IS FAKE WINE! Complain to their manager, which would be the goddess!

Offer the statue a drink as well.

What a soft statue. Looks like it's built and placed for you to put your head between its pillowy thighs.

>>1107115
TALK TO THE MANAGER!

Yeah, offer a drink to the statue!

Also, did your fundoshi tightness ever subside or did thoughts about your wife's steaming hot love buns reawaken it?

Tell the goddess more about your amazing wife over a few drinks

Sarcoph 2025/04/27(Sun)19:37 No. 1107121 ID: ede601
File 174580782595.png - (315.70KB , 550x500 , drunk_19.png )

Highest level of drunkenness achieved. Cannot exceed level 3
Thiz wine is a bit weAk, yeah. It’s enUff to keep tha b u Z z. Lookin’ at her cur-vay-shus hips she in deed looks soft. It’s too lAte before my nose scrunches up against rock-hard tHIGhs. I dOwn the alcohol.

How could sHe.

It nags at me. How could shhhe just...

s m i l e

Like her-.

C o n s t a n t remind er.

And grumble.

...

Drunk level met. Vague lore dropped
“I don’t know—"

“If I can forgive you for t h a t.”

“You took from me...”

“--what was too early. And what was too late.”

“More than anyone deserved.”

“May be.”

“s u r e”

“I stifled through it. Maybbe I thought it was a tesst. I was naïve.”

“A boy.”

“Jusst a boy.”

“I didn’t understand then.”

“I don’t know w h a t you are plan nin g.”

“But you.”

Sarcoph 2025/04/27(Sun)19:37 No. 1107122 ID: ede601
File 174580786274.png - (240.10KB , 550x500 , drunk_20.png )

...

“You took my wiofe’s joy.”

“O n c e.”

“What kept me... from...”

“...”

“I still cant... for g ive you for that.”

“It was never her fault. You can’t fault what happened.”

“To see her...”

“...”

“By the window.”

“...”

“I didn’t have that strength to go through. But she did.”

“...better than me.”

“But I won’t make it easy for you.”

“Per haps in time...”

“But n o t to day”

Sarcoph 2025/04/27(Sun)19:38 No. 1107123 ID: ede601
File 174580791107.png - (188.85KB , 550x500 , drunk_21.png )

“It’ll be a long time--”

“—be fore you’ll...”

“--guide me down that damned hall.”

“I’ll show you.”

gulp

“So a toast to you…”

“Because I’ll...”

“She’ll...”

“Fuuck it”

“We’ll fuck SO MUCH.”

“So much that--”

“Your halls will be...”

“LITTERED!”

“And you’ll deal with… with... my…”

I hear some asshole behind me.

“Dama? What are you doing here? Why, the whole town is looking for you!”

Huh? What was I—? Oh. It’s the priest who runs the temple. Hey. This wine sucks! ITS ROOM TEMPERATURE!

“Dama, your wife is wondering where you are! She’s back at the bathhouse waiting for you! Now stop rambling to all the statues.”

Ok, time to stumble on home

but first...

SUPLEX HIM! gotta teach him a lesson for not having cold win.

Elaborate on the vague lore. But vaguely.

Kinda sounds like a lost kid

Home again home again, jiggity jig

Don't suplex the priest...

Time to stumble home. Quickly.

Well, are you just going to stand here and make your wife wait or what? What if there's trouble and she needs you!

Splash the wine in his blindfold. Can't you shee I'm praying?!

Dama this is important
Where did you leave the beets?

Sarcoph 2025/04/27(Sun)20:24 No. 1107137 ID: ede601
File 174581064231.png - (297.27KB , 550x500 , drunk_22.png )

I’m trying to get out of this accursed M A Z E. My wife neeeeds me. I attempt to splash my drink on him but it’s empty…
--“Hey! I’m prayin’ heeeeere! Can’t you SHEE?”

“Just hold on, Dama. Let me get you home before it’s too cold to walk. What were ya mumbling about there?”

--“Stuff. Buncha things. Who are you? Getoffme you cuddle whore. Your lips are poison!”

“By the twelve... Just come with.”

I feel the stinging cold of the night brush in my fur. The priest keeps preachin or some shit.

“So have you thought of a name for the baby yet?”

--“It’s... baad luck. You know.”

“What yakshit is that? Well is it a boy or girl? It's gotta be due very soon.”

--“Huh dunno...”

“Yeesh. Just focus on walkin’ then.”

--“Wait… the beets. MY BE E ETS!”

“Calm down! Some of your boys found it in the street. The local cuddle whor—er I mean-- escort recognized the basket and who it belonged to. They delivered it. It's fine.”

--“Oh... Where are we going again?”

“AAAAnd there we go. Home at last! Hello Dama’s Wife!”

“Oh, Husband! There you are! You sure look like you’ve had a swell time in town! Come on, let’s head to bed. I picked up the kids from my sister’s and they’re already tucked away!”

Puke first, bed later.

talk to the baby before you sleep

Time for some hardcore and raucous cuddling

Kiss her tummy

Time to pray to your wife

Bathroom break to avoid bedtime accidents, then hug belly to protect baby from psychopomp.

>>1107137
Kiss your wife.

Fall asleep on the spot.

Vomit before you give your kids brain damage through alcohol contact.

Pray at the altar of Wife Tummy

Sarcoph 2025/04/27(Sun)21:25 No. 1107148 ID: ede601
File 174581435128.png - (217.05KB , 550x500 , drunk_23.png )

I’m trying to kiss her but my lips aren’t working. And I kinda miss.

“Come on, sweetie. Let’s get you undressed. Up the stairs we go! I got you~”

She guides me to the bedroom.

Beeeeed.

She disrobes me down to my fundoshi. I might puke but I think I can hold it in.

Hnnk! I’m good. Just a few silent burps. I can hold muh licker.

She loosens her clothes and they drape down her body. Score. She slips onto the mattress and pats the top.

“Well come on! ♥ Before you freeze!”

Guuuuh.

B ell y.

So soft...

Baby.

...

I’m mumbling against her stomach.

Kissin’ it. So soft.

A prayer.

Or something.

Pray for a healthy babby.

...

I think...

Maybe I know what I can call you.

...

Unless you’re a boy. Then I dunno.

Next baby, then.

I’ll save it for next baby.

Zz-snork..

The End

Thanks for the quick weekend drunk quest!

Wholesome end to a shitposty quest