Jesus fucking christ i hate myself.
I need some shit to do and someplace to do it.
Use the toilet for that business
Alright I whipped up a shitty toilet, and even made a wonky ass bathroom. Now what.
Go kidnap the daughter of Peter Rosado. He owes the Cartel big, and losing a pinky finger didn't seem to convince him that we mean business. He lives in the next town over. He ain't tough but we don't own the police there, so you'll need to be quiet. Overall, should be easy work for a young gun like yourself. Now go, the rape tree won't fill itself.
>Go kidnap the daughter of Peter Rosado. He owes the Cartel big, and losing a pinky finger didn't seem to convince him that we mean business. He lives in the next town over. He ain't tough but we don't own the police there, so you'll need to be quiet. Jeeeeesus. Fine. Whatever.
I don't care enough to fix the car. Anyway I'm here. How am I getting the kid?
A fishing rod with bacon as bait. Kids love bacon.
K. .... ...................... Shit, I forgot to give the kid like... a personality or whatever. She's just gonna stand there forever. What should I shove in her skull? Besides a fondness for bacon and no fucking survival skills, I guess.
Give her an encyclopedic knowledge of aircraft seating designs and specifications.
Bam.
Congrats, you're a mom teegee.
Of an idiot, but still. Congrats.
Excellent! Now acquire my daughter and get a big fancy aerospace industry company to hire her as an expensive consultant for their seating engineers.
Acquired. "Grrrrrzzz..." She's still kinda feral, but that's a step above any other jokers I'm gonna be making, so she's probably qualified for that.
Okay so she's now a bigwig. Gonna be rolling in dough soon. What do we do with it. "GGrrrzz... S-seats. Make... good."
But what about that Cartel threat!? They are going to have your head if you dont deliver her.
>>934866 >rolling in dough, what do >>934867 >cartel threat Obviously we should just buy the cartel. Problem solved! In fact, let's buy *two* cartels and then make them fight! Or kiss. Kiss-fight.
>They are going to have your head if you dont deliver her. I assumed I was the cartel boss in that scenario. but i guess i wouldn't do my own dirty work so... whatever.
Cartel's attacking. Now what?
I see. You betrayed your brothers. Welp only one thing to do now. Equip your Grenade launcher and mount a most ignoble steed!
The shitty thing on the back is a rocket launcher. We ride over to the cartel chodes.
I flash some fat stacks so I can buy em off, and then I guess I can go make another cartel for that orgy or whatever. "We refuse your bribery. You will die for your betrayal." ...What?
Stick the Rocket launcher up the short one's ass, Then rocket jump to safety. That shit's gonna be so fire, yo.
Summon ants! Lots and lots of ants.
There he goes. Presumably wherever he lands it'll be safer than next to me.
Maybe not though. These guys don't seem too bothered by ants.
Wow. These guys are tough. They really made it this far huh? IT IS TIME! REVEAL YOUR TRUE FORM!
Devour their souls and ascend to daemonhood
>>934953 Wait no! If he Goes full Daemon he might run into Hif Man!
>REVEAL YOUR TRUE FORM! This is about as true a form as I got. Anything more complicated would take more than 5 minutes to make. >Devour their souls and ascend to daemonhood So two issues with that. First, they don't have souls, and I certainly don't feel like givin' em any. Second, I can't ascend anywhere. I'm the peak of whatev-
AH FUCK! SON OF A BITCH!
SPIT THAT BULLET BACK OUT RIGHT AT THEM.
These guys aren't mortal?! EVAC! Also do something about your wound. Then start gathering information, find out where they came from. Something is interfering with your omnipotent power.
Yoooooo. Blast'em harder
Yeah fuck this. That bullet hurt like losing your laptop for months.
I'm leaving a parting gift though.
Alright, I'm safe and bored once again. >Something is interfering with your omnipotent power. Context clues say it's another omnipotent jackass, but I never saw him. Just his shitty green whatever. No clue how I'm going to get more info on them. I can't google it.
Make a swarm of spy drones to find out what's up.
K. Lets see what's out there.
Uh...
...I forgot to grab the kid before I left the bomb, didn't I.
Just zap yourself to an alternate reality where the kid survived. Now you have to deal with your duplicate from the new reality. So play a game of paper football with your clone, then absorb him and become twice as powerful.
Also don't forget to destroy your old universe so those green guys don't fallow you and team up with their clones from the new reality.
Unring the explosion.
If I could switch realities I go somewhere that isn't fucking blank white space 100% of the time. I'm stuck in this hellhole. "D... dad. Dad... dy. Yeah I'm going back in time then. That's basically unringing the explosion.
Okay back in time. "AH FUCK! SON OF A BITCH!" That's me getting shot. Unfortunately kid doesn't have the red shit on her face so... huh. I... might not be able to go back in time? In which case I have no clue what the fuck is going on now.
Tell her to run. Live her life! You'll hold them off.
Hmm. Well at least put a shield around the kid (and yourself) and fastforward a bit to see what happens.
You don't need to go back in time to fix this. Teleport her forward in in time right before she would have gotten hit by the explosion. This way, you will avoid a paradox because after the explosion you realized she was missing. She actually vanished because she was moved forward in time by your future self.
If all else fails, ctrl+z exactly six times. You will be exactly where you left the bomb. Now grab the girl and leave, once you are safe ctrl+s. It's just a couple Windows shortcuts, and it even works on Mac. Disclaimer: this will not work with Unix based Operating Systems, Unix does not have an undo feature.
>Tell her to run. Live her life! You'll hold them off. 90% sure that ain't alive. I'll fast-forward though, sure. Yeah these dudes are still fake. I think I probably just made like, a pocket dimension or some shit. Can't actually time travel. That sucks.
Alright time to exit the pocket dimension somehow and see if you can reconstruct her from the bits.
>Alright time to exit the pocket dimension somehow and see if you can reconstruct her from the bits. Yeeeeah, probably should have done this like, 3 months ago.
In my defense, I didn't feel like it back then.
Anyway she's... fine. Probably.
>>960697 You should ask if she's okay.
"You okay?" "Why... Hurt... Me...?"
>>960699 Uh yeah that was an accident sorry. Your excuse is that you're an idiot. Offer hugs?
"Yeah, my bad. Accident." My excuse is that I'm kinda careless, not stupid. "You want a hug?" "Hate... You..." Yeah, that's probably fair.
Time to go to the toy section and appease her with distracting bits of plastic
>>960701 That makes two of you, I suppose. >>960863 Good idea.
>Time to go to the toy section and appease her with distracting bits of plastic Poof, we're there. "What is... this?" "...Toys. You know, for kids."
"Why wou- would I want... toys? I want... no pain." "Well good fucking luck getting that, kid."
>>962364 What's that sparkly thing?
What sparkly th-
Jesus fucking christ what the fuck is this guy.
Does he not have any eyes? Ask him what he's doing here.
"Who the fuck are you?" Pretty sure the 'stars' are his eyes, like my and the kids squiggles. "Hi Hi Hi. Ya havin' fun, son?" Holy hell that text is horrendous.
So uh, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you weren't the first entity to start creating shit. Or, by creating things, you stirred up the fabric of reality enough that more entities like you popped into existence. Might want to find out how many others there are.