Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2016/09/29(Thu)03:36 No. 750283 ID: c745e1
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in city of coiruppshin n lye one man have cut throu le dick hand privatesw!

we cut to the very expensive detective agency of world famous detective, Dick BLack!

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2016/09/29(Thu)03:38 No. 750284 ID: c745e1
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this city cuts me deep in the netherregions, what with the lies and corruptions and such. I sit in my very expensive chair and pontificate all poetically because bitches love poetry.

"Vanessa!" I call to my beautiful and young and single secretary, "send in the next client!"

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2016/09/29(Thu)03:39 No. 750285 ID: c745e1
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"yes sir mister Dick Black!" she replies in a very single and young and sexy way, "you're my favorite boss!"

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2016/09/29(Thu)03:44 No. 750286 ID: c745e1
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she walks in on long legs ending in red stilletos but the open toe kind, are those just called high heels or are there open toed stilletos? she was a drop dead fox, a dame to beat all dames, a toots with the tats for my kind of tweaking, if you catch my understanding, see?

"they say you're the best detective in the world" she states like an idiot.

"I can't say they're all lying." I reply all cool.

"my husband was murdered in cold blood." she says. nice, she's single.

"I want you to figure out who could have done it."

"I assumed you did, you dumb cunt." I neg, "my entire job is to find out who killed people"

how do I proceed next

EAT ALL THE BABIES!

Specifically, break into their homes and steal their baby back ribs.

From their babies.

I don't think we'll be able to make any headway with the case until we know exactly what underwear she's wearing.

I don't think we'll be able to make any headway with the case until we know exactly what underwear she's wearing.

She may be the culprit trying to hire us to deflect suspicion. We need to start probing her quickly for additional information.

>"you're my favorite boss!
What! How many bosses does she have?! She's working for someone else on the side?

That disloyal hussy! She's fired. Plenty of young hot single secretaries where she came from.

>how do I proceed next
Ask her how she killed him, and why. That's really the fastest way to solve the case, especially since no woman can say no to you.

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2016/10/01(Sat)21:03 No. 750675 ID: c745e1
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>>750287
Brilliant! that's just crazty enough to solve this case! oh wait no that's completely fucking retarded!

>>750290
good idea! once I see a boob I may be able to touch it as well, that just might give me the edge I need tin ordert o find out who made this fine peace of ass available for dick smoochins!

>>750291
this is precisely the same ammount of a good idea!

>>750310
I can't discount the possibility that she murderedd her husabdn in order to have hot sex with me! it's the perfect crime!

"miss, I understand you may be morning your dead nerd cuckold husband, but if you want me to avenge him, I need to see you naked and maybe touch a boobn too."

"how forward!" she says, obviously drippimng like a broken toilet through her filth crevice, "what will touching my boobs contribute to your investigation??"

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2016/10/01(Sat)21:05 No. 750676 ID: c745e1
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"what will it contribute?" I ask, rhetorically, "maam we live in america, the land of the free and the home of the brave, and in this wonderful straight country we have a thing called the constitution, and in that constitituion we the people through alien rites, have the right to do what must be done in order to be the right thing!"

"do you understand?"

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2016/10/01(Sat)21:07 No. 750677 ID: c745e1
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she nods, patroteoically "well, ok, but only because you are just as well spoken as you are handsome."

"yes I'm finally going to touch a boob!"

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2016/10/01(Sat)21:07 No. 750678 ID: c745e1
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"mr black! there's a brick here to see you!" veronica says

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2016/10/01(Sat)21:08 No. 750679 ID: c745e1
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"theres a what"

>>750680
Attempt to read brick in post-traumatic daze

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2016/10/01(Sat)21:11 No. 750682 ID: c745e1
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"theres a note attached!" the woman I never got a name from says.

"yeah I see the fucking note" I reply

dearest faggot dick cop motherfucker,

stop solving this case if you know what's good for you!

-with love, the criminals

>>750678
See, I told you you should have fired her. I told you!

>>750682
Like you're going to do anything that helps them after they stopped you touching a boob! Fuck that.

Miss SUCKretary,

you can't just let every tom, brick, and harry walk through the windows.

Reassemble brick with a new note: NO. And chuck it back at your secretary.

This looks like the work of henry brickthrower.

That's... a lot of blood.

Attempt to gather up all your blood and scoop it back into your body.

Oh, now it is personal. Nobody calls Dick Black a faggot and gets away with it. We need to put all of our other cases on hold even if we need to accept more cases for the sole purpose of putting them on hold. This criminal scum will be found, and we will touch a boob.

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2016/10/07(Fri)01:56 No. 751740 ID: c745e1
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this is definitely the work of henry bickthrower! I give that loser a strongly worded rebutlal

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2016/10/07(Fri)01:57 No. 751742 ID: c745e1
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valerie, make sure this gets mailed to henry brickthrowers house!

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2016/10/07(Fri)01:58 No. 751743 ID: c745e1
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"Yes sir mr Black! your my favorite BLUU--"

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2016/10/07(Fri)01:59 No. 751745 ID: c745e1
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alright, time to solve a murder! but forst! I need to collect my streetwise but simple partner! where should I go get them form?

"Balls" O'Stihl?
He had tickets to the Gun Show, and was gonna get 50lbs of survivalist jerky.

Waist deep in the pussy of an Unbirthing Fox Girl-

You may want to kill her before she's done digesting your sidekick.

>>751745
Where else would he be at this time of day? Waist deep in the dumpster of his favorite diner. He's always saying there is nothing more streetwise than knowing the best place to find discarded food that's still good.

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2016/10/13(Thu)00:59 No. 752807 ID: c745e1
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of course! my partner, Balls O'Schteel! he's way too streetwise to hang out anywhere but on the streets! I need his no nonsende street attitude to solve this case!

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2016/10/13(Thu)01:01 No. 752809 ID: c745e1
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I walk through the backstreets to his favorite haunt, behind the wendys on 3rd street. they have the best trashburgers! man I can';t wait to be reunintesd with my best friend. he's so cool one time I watched him suck a dick for 2 quarters and a ticket to a puddle of mudd concerte!

OH BY GAWD!

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2016/10/13(Thu)01:04 No. 752811 ID: c745e1
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BALLS! SCHTEEL! YU"RE BEING EATEN BY A KAWAII MFOX GIRL'S VAjAINIA!

"B:LACK! LET ME DIE! THIS IS HOW I ALWASY WANTED TO GO OUT! WARMLY SUFFOCATED INTSIDE THE CERVIXZ OF A VULPID!"

"I can't!" I reply, "I need your no nonsense street attitude in order to solve this case! in fact that was the basis of my last monologue!"

Engage in a disgusting tug of war with the vulpine.

There's only one use a World-Renowned Professional Dick has for a 8!+(# pussy:

A place to store their exploding, on-fire ^&*(.

STUFF A WHITE PHOSPHORUS GRENADE IN HER MOUTH

holy bejebus

give it a passing grade in .38 Special ed.
Let's see it unbirth some hot lead.

if only we had a divice to seperate the two hmm
time to turn on your mcguiver hat

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2016/10/13(Thu)17:27 No. 752912 ID: c745e1
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"alright, let's see you vaginally digest this!"

"WAAK"

"what?"

"WAAK"

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2016/10/13(Thu)17:27 No. 752913 ID: c745e1
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"I'm sorry I don't-"

"WAAK"

"WAK WAK WAAK"

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2016/10/13(Thu)17:28 No. 752914 ID: c745e1
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this creature is immune to my quips! how do I face a creature so powerful?

"Diiiiiick"

"who said that?"

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2016/10/13(Thu)17:33 No. 752916 ID: c745e1
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"yes dick. it's me, your father."

"dad why are you a ghost you're not dead"

"shut up dick and listen. when I was trapped in mother africa with loads of mindless tribal creatures do you think I sat down feeling sorry for myself."

"I feel like you shouldn;t say stuff like that, it might offend people..."

"damn whrite I didn;t! I punched everone I saw and some forms of strata and then a jet plane flew into a volcano pew pew BPHOAAAAA!"

"do you understand what I mean, son?"

"uhh?"

"fill her fucking hole with a flash grenade!"

"I will! thanl you father!"

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2016/10/13(Thu)17:34 No. 752917 ID: c745e1
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alright you fuckin abomination I hope you like nonlethal crowd control measures!

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2016/10/13(Thu)17:35 No. 752918 ID: c745e1
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"WAAK WAAK WA-GLLP!"

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2016/10/13(Thu)17:35 No. 752919 ID: c745e1
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SFX: nonlethal crowd control measures

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2016/10/13(Thu)17:41 No. 752923 ID: c745e1
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"ah thanks Dick!" Balls o'schteel pants, "that thing's cunny had me hypnotized! it tricked me into entering its crevice, like a venus flytrap, or a 15 year old wearing makeup!"

"don't mention it, ol' Ballsy." I reply, "no one can resist the siren call of furry snatch!"

I then think. first the brick, then those boobies, then the brick again, and now ball o'schteel's corrospondence with a vulpine! someone is trying to bump us off! this case is getting more deep and soggy by the minute!

>>752914
Obviously you need to face this new threat and engage in a lengthy conversation with, forgetting that talking isn't a free action and your partner is melting behind you.

Once he dies as he lived, you'll have to recruit the fox-thing. She's strong, apparently, and maybe she'll inherit the street smarts.

>>752925
Balls was been digested by an topsy-turvy universe, and a city more caustic than even the gamiest kitsune-poonani since the day he was born. He ain't got time to die.

Let's go find Henry and play Jenga with his dentures.

This all started as soon as that dame walked into your office. I think we need to drill her for more information.

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2016/10/25(Tue)00:52 No. 755235 ID: c745e1
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"this all stareted with that dame! and come tyo htink of it she never let me touch her boobs or even one of the boobs! I would hwave toucbed the ;left one because I am afterall right handed and I wanted to make sure I touched with my best foot forasward if you catch my drift but none of that is releveant because the point ois that that was suspicios.!"

"what?" balls asks.

I sigh. I forget that my parter is simple and streetsmart. Balls o schteel deals with bhis stuff by fighting but I trained myself to use my mind like a detective. I'm going to have to simplify my prognoisis for him!

"what I said was this all stareted dame she never let me touch I would hwave toucbe ;left because right my best foot suspicios.!"

"I see what you mean, Dick!" he understands understandingly. "we need to drill this girl hard and see what comes out afterward!"

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2016/10/25(Tue)00:54 No. 755236 ID: c745e1
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we retunrn to my detective agency in lower hanhattan and get to work immediatlye. I make sure to put on my good cop shoes and Balls straps on his bad cop gherkin.

"listen balls. you leave the ttalking to me, then when she's thouroughly seduced BAM you slide in with the bad cop routine and slap her around a few times. after that she should be thouroughly loosened upo and we can get to the center of this casE!"

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2016/10/25(Tue)00:55 No. 755237 ID: c745e1
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"good morning mr black"! Ve;lma says as I sway in, "there's a corpse waiting to sepake with you in youre office!"

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2016/10/25(Tue)00:59 No. 755239 ID: c745e1
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II walk in and gasp.

"GASP!" I gasp, "this sexy woman has been murdered !"

"it appears she was bludgeoned with a claw hammer and then sher skin was peeled off and then they cut her into tiny peices with a pair of gardening shears and then they mashed uher up using a french press!" Balls makes and ecdukated guess.

"my what a grisly sight!" I reply.

"yes I concur. words can not even descripe how horrifiying this office floor liooks like now~"

this has to be the work of Jack "Jackknife" knifejack, the most riuthless of all killer in a 4 block radius! if kinfejack and Brickthrower have teemed up then thigs case is bound to get interesting! but now our one lead is pulped and slowly seeping into my carpet! what should I do?

Find a piece that looks like it used to be booby and touch it. That's one thing off our list.

Are you sure that's a corpse and not just a bunch of tomato puree? You should taste it to be sure.

aquiter the gore in a evidence bafg to use as evidence when you might nees evidence

Pick up the large pieces, then wipe down the area with paper towels. Put down some rubbing alcohol and baking soda for now, and wash hands thoroughly. Ask a specialist to look at it, but I'd bet you'll have to just rip the whole thing up.

>>755271
Yes, it is too late for her, but we may have a chance to save the carpet.

Ask Velma if she saw Jackknife, and why she let him into your office.

Smack that Velma bitch around until you get some answers, she obviously knows something.

Call the carpet cleaners.

Pour out some whiskey and explain to Balls why he should never get a secretary.

If somehow he was planning to, we could stop him in the nick of time.

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2017/01/19(Thu)00:26 No. 773261 ID: 683cf1
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"listen balls, never get a secretary. they are nothing buyt trouble."

"dames womens and other such chick or sIuts as I like to call them are trouble, dick that's why I only trust racoons and garbeage."

i sop up the remains of the beautiful woman and think real hard with my brain about how to get a leg up on this case's various piles when I realize something.

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2017/01/19(Thu)00:29 No. 773262 ID: 683cf1
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"you know ballsy now that I think about it, my secretary seems to have insder knowledge about what is going to be in my office before I do!"

"isnt that the point of a secretary?"

:"shut up balls I am talking right now that is very rude." I squeeze the last bits of evidance into an evidence sack to be sent to my home lab, "what Im saying is that I think this dame is holdiong out on me!"

"you think she's pregarnt?" Balls asks.

"not yet!" I declere

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2017/01/19(Thu)00:30 No. 773263 ID: 683cf1
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"Valencia I got some words and other physical things Im about to hurl at you so get ready for some szerious slam dunk good cop bad cop heroics ok?"

"sure thing, mr. black!" she says, "you're my favorite-

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2017/01/19(Thu)00:31 No. 773265 ID: 683cf1
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"-orite boss!"

Sports Drink with Electrolytes 2017/01/19(Thu)00:33 No. 773266 ID: 683cf1
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"now talk you you artifacted traitor!"

"yes sir! what can I talk about?"

"uh..." I scratch my chin, "I honestly though I was goiung to have to rough you up more."

"would you like for me to resist your interrogation more, sir?"

"no no that's fine I just. give me a minute here."

she has been thouroughly interrogated! what should I grill her about now!

>>773266
How are you healing so fast and why do i feel kinda bad now

Who's the perp? Surely he signed the guestbook.

WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR???

Um, didn't I accidentally kill you with a brick earlier? And enhanced interrogate you a bunch just now? How are you better all ready? Do you have some kind of super healing power?

...if she has a super healing power maybe you should promote her to meat shield from sectary.

Maybe they're all stupid clones? Ask for her Serial Number.