FRACTAL 2014/12/08(Mon)22:06 No. 610156 ID: 6b7ea4
File 141810516341.png - (10.29KB , 600x600 , 1.png )

"SO YOU ADMIT," screams the cranky white woman in a Southbutt pullover, "THAT YOUR STORE SENDS OUT THOUSANDS OF THESE COUPONS IN THE SUNDAY PAPER."

Yes, you say, because this is true.

"AND YOU ADMIT," she continues, spraying a fine mist of saliva all over your register, counter, and face, "THAT IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO HAVE FIVE OF THEM AT ONCE, IF FOR EXAMPLE I GATHERED FIVE COPIES OF THE SUNDAY PAPER AND CUT THE COUPONS FROM EACH OF THEM."

Yes, you say again, because again this is true.

"SO WHAT-" - you believe her voice is slowly increasing in both volume and pitch - "IS THE FUNCTIONAL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME HAVING FIVE COUPONS, AND ME HAVING THIS ONE COUPON PLUS THE FOUR PHOTOCOPIES I MADE?"

FRACTAL 2014/12/08(Mon)22:06 No. 610158 ID: 6b7ea4
File 141810518879.png - (8.32KB , 600x600 , 2.png )

You have been trying for the past twenty minutes to explain to this woman that A. even if she had five REAL coupons, she would not be able to use them all at once, and B. even if you manually overrode the register to allow her to use five coupons at once, all of them together would throw the transaction into the negative, and YOU would have to pay HER to walk out of the store with the merchandise, because the coupons in question are $10 off and the item she is trying to purchase is $12.99. She is too busy screaming at you to listen to your explanation of the situation. The line behind her is growing restless. Someone will be bitten soon.

>Try to explain one more time
>Call a manager
>Uproot the cash register from the bolts and beat her head in
>Something else?

Uproot. Uproot.

Uproot the cash register, from the bolts, and beat the head in, of the pullover woman.

Ma'am, I can't accept more than one of those coupons, photocopied or not.

Would you like to speak to a manager?

the barcodes on every coupon is different. photocopies have identical code.

try to explain one more time

>>610158
Manager. You always call the manager to deal with angry customers.

something else. use the coupons you have gathered throughout your shift to create a paper mache work of art

I cant use photo copies im sorry, and i cant allow u to use more than one per transaction anyways. should I call a manager to help u??

doing the 'pbbbbbbtttt' thing in her face is also an answer tbh

Call the manager, have them deflect the lady so you can clear the line.

Then go home and cry over some alcohol goddamn retail sucks.

Accept the coupons and ask her politely to take her item and leave. $50 is not worth losing dozens of dedicated customers or customer satisfaction, let alone $12.99 plus tax. Warn her that you are effectively negotiating in her favor, and any further arguing puts you in the right (relative to the rules and regulations of the store), and that if she keeps arguing after you have just given her the item in exchange for five simple coupons, you WILL call the manager. At best, she will be banned from the store, at worst, she will be sued for forgery and assault.

FRACTAL 2014/12/08(Mon)22:32 No. 610173 ID: 6b7ea4
File 141810675846.png - (57.33KB , 600x600 , 3.png )

You very, very badly want to rip the cash register from the bolts and beat this woman's head in. However, your arms have the strength of someone who spends their days shifting around shoeboxes and scanning credit cards, not someone who rips phone books in half and uproots registers from their bolts, so you know without trying that this is not a viable course of action. Also you will get fired and probably arrested. More than probably, actually. You will be arrested. If you assault this woman with a cash register you will be arrested.

Still, you quietly contemplate how satisfying it would be to destroy her, and to destroy her shitty overpriced designer pullover, and her shitty photocopied coupons.

You tell her that you still can't accept more than one coupon and that you will call a manager to talk to her.

"GOOD," she shrieks, "BECAUSE I AM VERY EXCITED TO TELL YOUR BOSS ABOUT HOW HORRIBLE YOU ARE"

FRACTAL 2014/12/08(Mon)22:32 No. 610174 ID: 6b7ea4
File 141810677583.png - (13.36KB , 600x600 , 4.png )

You radio for a manager, and eventually one comes over. It's Carl. He hums and haws as Pullover Woman screams a summary of the situation (and you try to interject context whenever she takes a breath.)

"Hmmmmmmmm," says Carl. "Hm. Well, I'm sorry there's been so much confusion about this."

"I'M NOT CONFUSED! YOUR STUPID EMPLOYEE IS CONFUSED AND SHOULD BE FIRED!" screams Pullover Woman.

"Hmmmmm. Hmmm," says Carl. "Well. Hm. I'm not going to fire her. But we can take those coupons off for you."

FRACTAL 2014/12/08(Mon)22:33 No. 610175 ID: 6b7ea4
File 141810678774.png - (8.49KB , 600x600 , 5.png )

You cannot take those coupons off for her. It is functionally impossible. You try to beg Carl with your eyes to pay attention. Carl is too busy fiddling with his tie pin. You will find no mercy here.

"Hmmm. Hm. Just go ahead and override them, C, I'm giving you permission," says Carl. He leaves before you can say anything else. Pullover Woman is still shaking with rage but now she is smug.

>Revolt
>Reduce merchandise by one coupon
>Reduce merchandise to $0.00 and give her the item for free
>Reduce merchandise by five coupons and give her the item for free plus $37.01 from the till
>Something else?

use the rebate system. take one off and write a rebate that gives the difference. but reverse the positive and negative amounts. say the rebate will handle the rest of the coupons discount. but when she goes to use it she will have to pay more money. and it will become whoever does rebates' problem instead.

i'd say reduce by one but,,, what if she notices. reduce to $0.00 and take the coupons. its only $3.00,,,

Just give her the item for free.

>Revolt

FLEE THIS AWFUL PLACE

Explain to the woman that your boss is an idiot, coupons are money, and that copying money is a federal crime, and you're calling the fbi on her ass right now if she doesn't get the hell out right now.

eat the coupon, no one will ever find it and all your problem will vanish.

eat the coupons, the cash register, and the costumer

>>610179
this.

Quickly and stealthily use a pen to change the expiration dates on the coupons and explain to her that they are expired and can't be used

FRACTAL 2014/12/08(Mon)23:06 No. 610192 ID: 6b7ea4
File 141810876603.png - (13.58KB , 600x600 , 6.png )

Your better judgement tells you that you should just give her the item for no charge and be done with it. Even the most obstinate customer won't argue with free stuff.

However, over the course of your argument this has become a battlefield, and it has awakened something primal in you. You will not yield. You will not compromise your intense retail values. You will not go gentle into this good night.

You will grab the coupons right out of her nasty little hand and shove them entirely into your mouth, and you do, and you chew, and you taste ink and paper and victory.

You sweep her shitty $12.99 t-shirt off of the counter. It was already on clearance, you miserable hag, you yell. But nothing is ever good enough for you people. You are never satisfied. You are like locusts, swarming and insatiable, destroying everything you touch, and today the plague ends.

It occurs to you that you are standing on the counter and yelling very loudly around a wad of wet printer paper, which is still sitting heavily on your tongue. Pullover Woman opens her mouth and begins to scream.

>Get down, spit out coupons, and apologize
>Kick her in the teeth
>Start thinking about where you're going to apply once you're fired
>Something else?

Teeth, teeth, teeth
theeth

We've already started, it's too late to stop.

Eat the customer.
Use her body parts to begin an ancient ritual.
Summon Cthulhu to abolish retail.

it's too late to stop! spit wad of coupons into her face!

spit the coupons at her and ATTACK

Spit wad of coupons, and CALL THE DOWNTRODDEN HORDES OF YOUR FELLOW RETAIL MONKEYS TO RISE TO WAR. BLOW IT UP, YOU FOOLS. BLOW IT ALL UP.

FRACTAL 2014/12/08(Mon)23:26 No. 610198 ID: 6b7ea4
File 141810998328.png - (27.68KB , 600x600 , 7.png )

You spit the wad of coupons in her face and leap upon her. You're still not a superhuman or anything and actually you are pretty small and wimpy, so the best you can do is a land a couple dead-fish slaps around her head. She is apparently wimpier than you, though, because that's all it takes for her to faint.

You thought you would feel better, but you don't, really. Well, okay, you feel a little better.

FRACTAL 2014/12/08(Mon)23:26 No. 610199 ID: 6b7ea4
File 141810999581.png - (9.78KB , 600x600 , 8.png )

The few people left in line are staring at you.

Your chucklehead teenage coworker Matthew sticks his head out of the shoe stockroom, where he has been playing on his smartphone. "I'm gonna go on break, k?"

>Call Matt to join your glorious uprising
>Tell Matt he can go on lunch
>Tell Matt he CANNOT go on lunch
>Tell Matt that you hate him and everything that he stands for and that you hope to god he takes his part-time lifeguarding more seriously than he takes this
>Something else?

WE SHALL BOTH BREAK, COMRADE. BREAK THE BACKS OF THE PIG-FOLK.

Tell matt he can go on breaks when he's dead and make him join ur revolution

Let him go on lunch.
This is your burden and his lunch

Are you okay, Fractal? Do you need a hug?

>>610204
im scheduled for 14 hours of overtime this week HA HA HA :), speaking of i'm gonna go to bed so updates will continue tomorrow

Tell Matt to take over from here. You'll be busy doing all the hard work while Matt takes the heat for the angry customer.

With any luck, your boss and this customer will both be too mindless to remember your face.

Tell him that Pullover Woman is blocking your checkout lane. He must haul her carcass out of the way, THEN he can go to lunch.

NEXT CUSTOMER PLEASE! Say it with a smile. With teeth!

People put him in charge of children, that doesn't seem smart. Any way he looks weak, let him eat his cruddy lunch and make sure your prey doesn't escape. You aren't done yet!

Tell him you don't give two fucks what he does because you're burning this place to the ground anyways.

FRACTAL 2014/12/09(Tue)11:37 No. 610268 ID: 6b7ea4
File 141815382774.png - (10.18KB , 600x600 , 9.png )

You tell Matt that once he gets the line down he can go on his cruddy lunch. He seems satisfied by this and comes out to start ringing. The remaining customers seem to have forgotten the conflict of a few seconds ago in the face of GREAT HOLIDAY SAVINGS OF 20% OR MORE and begin to step over (and sometimes on) Pullover Woman's unconscious body to reach the register.

It occurs to you that, while at this point it seems like the only tenable option is to continue your GLORIOUS UPRISING, you don't have a plan. Also, the creeping understanding of what you just did and how screwed you are is slowly overtaking you. If you don't do something fast you will lose your momentum and be paralyzed by the understanding that you've just screwed up the best gig you've had in a while.

On the overhead speakers, a woman is asking Michael Bublé what's in her drink for the thirtieth time today.

>>610268
Obviously the solution is to make her into delicious pies...Or I dunno...Ship her to Thailand

Drape her over one of the store mannequins and write WAR CRIMINAL on her forehead with a sharpie. Turn this into a site specific performance art piece and start constructing an ironic deconstruction of the nativity scene skewering capitalism with her as the virgin mary.

And a John Cena plush doll as the baby jesus.

Drag the customer out of the store, and let her keep the stupid T-Shirt. You won the fight, she got her t-shirt. Write it off as a "Holiday Event".

And write the word "Counterfeiter" on her forehead in heavy ink so everyone knows that she copied an item and tried to illegally barter with the copy. No tattoos, though.

drag her outside the store, let her keep her precious free shirt, but take her pullover, you have won, and it is your trophy, you will wear it as a symbol of your victory

FRACTAL 2014/12/18(Thu)19:35 No. 613053 ID: 6b7ea4
File 141896010134.png - (11.24KB , 600x600 , 10.png )

You drag the still-unconscious customer outside and dump her in a snowbank. There are a lot of nasty things you could probably write on her head but you eventually settle on "COUNTERFEITER." You always have a Sharpie in your pocket for writing remaining gift card balances so you just use that.

As the pièce de résistance, you yank her shitty Southbutt pullover off her shitty head and replace it with her shitty clearance t-shirt. My city now, you whisper to yourself.

...

Well. That's done. You're also starting to realize that maybe if nobody finds out about this, you could keep your job, and no matter how annoying it is, you actually really do like working here, and keeping the job would be the ideal outcome despite everything.

>Kill Pullover Clearance Shirt Woman so she can never tell anyone about this
>Kill Pullover Clearance Shirt Woman AND Carl, so that she can never tell anyone about this and he can never put the pieces together
>Kill Pullover Clearance Shirt Woman AND Carl AND Matthew, just to be safe
>Go honestly discuss with a manager what happened and hope they understand
>Go back to the shoe department and hope it just blows over
>Something else?

Murder solves everything i vote for maximum murder

>>613053
I vote diplomacy, go tell the manager you assaulted a customer for counterfeit couponing

Duct tape her to the bush so when she wakes up she can't come back for you. Duct tape her mouth too. Then you won't get arrested for murder and you can pretend this never happened.

Can't we just roofie her unconscious ass so she doesn't remember any of this nonsense?

could you arrange it so she looks like she just slipped, hit her head and passed out? so she thinks yelling at u was a dream?

Don't leave her in a snowbank without her sweater, she could get hypothermia and die.

Put her somewhere warmer, give her back her pullover. Then go back inside, do your job. Maybe they'll forget this ever happened or pretend out of shame that it didn't happen.