1/3 Dunky2012 2023/07/26(Wed)10:39 No. 1068995 ID: 2f7f6e
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Welcome to Rich Bitch’s Eatery: The restaurant where you get what you want*, not what you ordered. (*RBE cannot guarantee customer satisfaction, and there are no refunds.)

Your old man opened this place and now you have inherited it, along with his comically large hoard of cash. You plan to continue running this place like your pops did: by doing whatever the fuck you want. You’re rich and have no friends, so a hobby like this is a godsend.

Here’s how it works. A customer comes in occasionally. They order some kind of food. You do not listen to a single word they say. You go into the kitchen and make something at least technically edible, and usually absurd. You see the horrified look on the customer’s face. Rinse and repeat.

2/3 Dunky2012 2023/07/26(Wed)10:39 No. 1068996 ID: 2f7f6e
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Ah, a customer. Let’s see how this goes.

“Hi, could I get a…”

You don’t hear anything else they say, you’re too busy imagining what face they’ll pull when you give them their food. You think they say pizza? Sure, you’ll go with that, it’s a classic. Once the customer is finished speaking, you head into the kitchen.

3/3 Dunky2012 2023/07/26(Wed)10:39 No. 1068997 ID: 2f7f6e
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Your father got fucking up food down to a science. In the kitchen there are three main areas, the PREP area, the COOKING area, and the GARNISH area.

In the prep area, you decide if you want to mess with the base components of a dish. For a pizza, that would be the dough, the sauce, the cheese, and some toppings. As another example, for a burger it’d be just the buns and patty.

In the cooking area, you use heat to induce a chemical reaction in the ingredients. Whether you do it properly depends on your mood.

In the garnish area, you put the finishing touches on the dish. For the pizza, that’ll be any toppings that don’t get cooked.

Tour done, you head to the prep area. What food crimes do you want to commit today?

Make a pizza that's shaped like a dick

Make a recursive pizza, with pizza for ingredients

Recumbent pizza: two pizzas attached with breadsticks.

Use ground up nacho chips to make the dough

Cook the pizza upside down.

Make a cake detailed with the style of human flesh. Then cut it in half and stick a slab of medium-rare dragon steak in between.
And that's the appetizer. Let everyone know on social media if they don't eat the high-quality dragon steak 'because they didn't feel like it'.

For the pizza, use almond flour bread as a base, slather in five layers of pesto, top with avocadoes, olives, and feta cheese, then bake at 450 Fahrenheit for ten minutes followed by a slow bake of 300 Fahrenheit for fifteen.
Then put ice cream with gummy sprinkles in the center.

You heard them! Almond and nacho chip dough, shaped into a dick 'n' balls, with pesto sauce. And my own addition; use queso blanca as the cheese to continue the fusion thread! Go go go!

1/2 Dunky2012 2023/07/27(Thu)19:52 No. 1069119 ID: 2f7f6e
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First you make some nachos to snack on while thinking, but that gives you an idea. You dump your lightly-snacked-on nachos into the blender along with some almonds because why not. While your blender screams in terror you have some ideas for the cooking and garnishing steps. It’s not quite time for that yet, but you’ll keep them in mind.

2/2 Dunky2012 2023/07/27(Thu)19:52 No. 1069120 ID: 2f7f6e
File 169051274123.png - (95.13KB , 1280x1280 , the_perfect_pizza.png )

After adding water to the chip and nut dust to form what some might hesitantly call a dough, you form it into a funny shape. You spread some pesto and queso blanco onto it and top it with some sliced olives. You spilled a bit of the pesto, but oh well.

Now it’s time to cook this. Or not, if you think it’d be better raw. You do have many ways to heat things up, though, including but not limited to: oven, blowtorch, indoors campfire, stove, grill, microwave, toaster, unused military ration heating bags, and a dehydrator. What will you do?

It's a pretty masculine shape, so we gotta go with the masculine style of cooking: The Grill. Time to barbeque this pizza

Seconded. BBQ the pizza!

1/2 Dunky2012 2023/08/01(Tue)00:11 No. 1069504 ID: 2f7f6e
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Y’know what goes with dicks? Grills. You put that dick on the grill, where it belongs. The only thing that could make this better is some beer, but you don’t drink on the job before 4pm.

Grilling things that shouldn’t be grilled can be difficult. A pizza would normally just fall through the gaps in the grill and be ruined, but you are a professional. To prevent unnecessary dick destruction, you put skewers horizontally through the dough to keep it in shape. You’ll remove them before the next step.

2/2 Dunky2012 2023/08/01(Tue)00:11 No. 1069505 ID: 2f7f6e
File 169087388261.png - (106.61KB , 1280x1280 , the_grilled_dick.png )

This pizza is almost finished. You’ve prepped it. You’ve cooked it. Now it’s time to garnish it, and add any last touches, including whether you’ll cut it into slices or not. After this, it goes to the customer. How do you complete this dish?

Add sprinkles.

>>1069505
Needs a mustard spread along the crust

Every dish needs a garnish to make it fancy. Stick a whole pineapple on it

Anchovies, to mimic the smell of your dick when you haven't bathed in a couple weeks.

OHHH, and only put the sprinkles on the BALLS.

>>1069702
Support

1/3 Dunky2012 2023/08/04(Fri)18:44 No. 1069745 ID: 2f7f6e
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You garnish the pizza with sprinkles and raw anchovies, and take a step back to look at your finished product. All that’s left is to give it to the customer, see their reaction, and then give this thing a rating. You’ll be using the rating system you came up with back when you were helping your father out in the kitchen: the WEIRD scale. The WEIRD scale has five categories, each with a possible five points, for a total of 25 possible points per dish. The categories are:

W: Weirdness. How strange the food you made is.
E: Edibility. Whether what you made can be eaten.
I: Inventiveness. How unique and clever you got with the dish.
R: Reaction. How good the customer’s reaction is.
D: Dollars. How expensive it was to make.

Anyways, time to bring this out to the customer.

2/3 Dunky2012 2023/08/04(Fri)18:45 No. 1069747 ID: 2f7f6e
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“This...did you grill it? Are those sprinkles? Sprinkles? What is this?”

“It’s your order, sir.”

“I...I didn’t order this.”

“It’s your food. Take it or leave it, sir.”

He slowly takes it and walks away, never taking his eyes off of it the entire time as he leaves the restaurant. Amazing.

3/3 Dunky2012 2023/08/04(Fri)18:46 No. 1069748 ID: 2f7f6e
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WEIRD Rating

W: 3
E: 4
I: 3
R: 4
D: 2

Total Score: 16

What kind of food should the next customer order?

A burger

A blooming donut.
And your next customer is a Neumono from another dimension who doesn't realize she entered the twilight zone and came out into a world where humanity @#$%ed up and is still stuck on Terra and still blissfully alone in the universe.

Whatever the suggestor above me is smoking.

A whole ass cake.

A turducken