Get the big penis
your penis is tiny oh my god what do u do
visit the url
>>587835 Apply to all the penis enlargement spam you can. One of them must have the answer, right? If this fails, you'll need a penis transplant. All you need to do is find a black market doctor and an appropriate 'donor'.
You visit the url A man comes out of your screen HEY
HEY DO YOU WANT A BIGGER PENIS? I CAN TAKE YOU TO A BIGGER PENIS YOU HAVE TO GET ON MY BOAT
>>587842 ...I'll do anything. Where's your boat.
He looks trustworthy go for it. Make sure you bring a life vest. Safety first.
>>587842 How did you do that?
how did you do that? you ask YOU DID, YOU TINY DICK GAY DWEEB. YOU CLICKED MY URL!!! DO YOU WANT TO GET ON MY BOAT? anything, you say. anything. god my penis is so small. it's hormones. ive considered suicide. please. OK SLICK he says. IT'S A SKYBOAT. He takes you to his skyboat and takes off. HEY SLICK. SLICKEROONI. HERE WE ARE. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY SKYBOAT?
Make him clarify that he'll be taking you to a place where your penis will be made bigger and not taking you to see some other guys bigger penis.
>>587848 The skyboat looks like a huge penis; you're okay with this.
You think it looks vaguely phallic.
It's fantastic! You love that it looks like a giant flying phallus.
that's a big boat, damn you must be all rich and shit
this is a big boat. it looks a little phallic. that's ok. i like it. FOR THAT I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU THE FIRST MATE OF MY BOAT!! HERE'S A HAT!! FIRST MATE!
where are we going? are you showing me a big dick or making my dick bigger? I DON'T KNOW! DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE PHALLOMANCER'S PHORBIDDEN TOWER OR THE PLAINS OF FORESKYNNE? THEY'RE HAUNTED
So what are the first mates responsibilities?
Plains sounds good
Go for the tower. Towers have more phallic power than planes. We need every bit you can get.
The tower sound more phallic go for it.
Tower!!! definitely tower!!!
>>587855 Phallomancer seems more likely to solve the penis problem. On the other hand... ghost dick? I can't decide.
um um tower, you say. OK what are my responsibilities as first mate? you ask. He bolts his head around to face you and gets crazy close. .... .... .... PENIS, he whispers.
There is a huge roar afar. He turns. HARK!!! A PHALLOBEAST!!!! WHAT WOODEN MANHOOD APPROACHES ME BY AIR, shrieks the Phallobeast. WHO DARES WAVE THEIR SKYWARD SCHLONG AT I, PHALLOBEAST WHAT DO WE DO, FIRST MATE???? the man asks.
...kill it
>>587864 IT IS I, THE MAN WITH THE TINIEST PENIS! VIEW MY SHAME AND DESPAIR! (at this point, show your dick to it)
RAMMING SPEEEEEEED
it is i!!! you wheedle. the man with the tiny penis!!!! you pull down your drawers. WHEEEE, the man howls. He pushes the wheel down and the wooden cockship plunges into the Phallosaur's eye AUGHGRHG CURSE YOU
KILL! HUZZAH!! SMALL DICK SLICK!!! DO YOU WANT A SWORD OR A GUN!!
Give me a sword! I require maximum compensation!
>>587870 Gun, preferably a Blunderbuss or equally long phallic gun.
YES.
Both. I have so much to compensate for.
sword!!! to compensate!!!! HOLLA @TCHA, he screams, and the two of you dive into the Phalloworm's ruined eyesocket. You batter away the flitting, razor antibodies as your captain empties the blunderbuss into the monster's brain. DIE, PHALLOSAUR!!! DIE!!!!!
He tucks you under his arm and leaps from the dying bonerbeast. HI HO
You survey the carnage. AND HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET TO THE TOWER NOW. The captain folds his arms. I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW.
Did the Phalobeast have any young we could tame into mounts?
feast on the innards of the Phalobeast under the desperate hope it will make your dongers raised-er.
punch it really hard so it spits out the boat
...ask what your captain's name is.
does it have any kids we can use as a mount? The captain's head snaps around 180 degrees. BRILLIANT!!!!! I KNOW I MADE THE GUY WITH THE EXTRA BELLY BUTTON FIRST MATE FOR A REASON!!!!
what's your real name? you ask he gets real close again .... ..... ...... BIGGER PENIS IN 14 DAYS, he says. FOR FREE.
extra...bellybutton?
ONWARD!!!!!!!!!! TO THE TOWER!!!!!!!!!! END OF PART ONE LMAO U CANT DELETE THIS NOW I'M A MOD
>>587887 His dick is so tiny it looks like an extra bellybutton. It's from a song.
WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT!!! ... What!? It's not working!? It's too powerful!
LOOK
THE TOWER OF THE PHALLOMANCER WHAT DO YOU THINK, DUDE????
it is an exquisite big stone erection
>>588069 ...It doesn't look like a dick? It's a pretty cool tower actually.
it is an exquisite big stone erection. WRONG I HATE THE PHALLOMANCER SO MUCH. HE'S SUCH AN ASSHOLE AND HIS TOWER IS FUCKING STUPID!!! NOW YOU'RE NO LONGER FIRST MATE oh YOU'RE PROBATIONARY FIRST MATE
IT DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE A DICK Haaalt,, say some skeletons in front of the tower OH GREAT HIS BONERMINIONS ARE HERE, GREAT Whoo seeeeks audience with the phaaallomaaancer, the Bonerminions say
Small dick and Bigger penis in 14 days are here to seek a audience with the asshole who cant even make his tower look like a penis.
mall dick and Bigger penis in 14 days are here to seek a audience with the asshole who cant even make his tower look like a penis, you say. Whaaaat???? Iiinsoleeence??? Biiigger peeenis in 14 daaays??
I TOLD YOU THIS GUY WAS AN ASSHOLE, says Bigger Penis in 14 Days For Free, as you dodge to avoid the eyebeams of the Phallomancer's Bonerminions.
>>588077 OH GOD PLEASE MY PENIS IS TINY HAVE MERCY
Tell them they can discuss our reasons for coming with our compatriot, then point them to the phallobeast.
Show them our tiny insignificant penis so they might be distracted with laughter.
>>588080 SKRAAAAAAW goes the Phallobeast
REST IN PEACE HE WAS THE LAST OF HIS KIND was he? AHAAHA NO THEY'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE WHAT NOW, PROBATIONARY FIRST MATE???
Invade the tower and find if he has any penis enlarging equipment or if he is just a horrible fraud.
>>588084 You enter the labyrinthine staircases and twisting hallways of the Phallomancer's Tower. After the like 20th labyrinthine staircase and 9th twisting hallway the Captain is like I'M 3000% LOST MAN
>>588085 Yell out "YOUR TOWER SUCKS!" maybe we can get the phallomancer to come to us.
Start shooting in the air, to get phalomancer's attention.
hey phallomancer!!! you yell. your tower sucks!!!! What!
he's huge Let's see your giant wizard tower, numbnuts!
>>588089 Start groveling at his feet and begging for a bigger penis. It's so tiny. So, so tiny.
obtain black wow board hanging from his crotch.
You drop and grovel. my penis, you say. it's so tiny. oh my god. it's so small. You wish for a larger Tool? I shall give it to you, small-peckered man. On ONE CONDITION: You must take the life of Captain Bigger Penis In 14 Days For Free WITH YOUR BARE HANDS
That would be MUTINY!
Show the phallomancer even thou your dick is small, your balls are as big captains and attack the phalomancer with your own black wow board!!!
Wow, the captain told us you were an asshole but wow.
that would be mutiny!!! asshole! Then DIE WITH HIM!
prepare for battle. ask captain for a better weapons.
>>588097 Start climbing up his leg. Get around to the back of it to make it awkward for him to get at you. Grab on his balls and dangle distractingly while the Captain does something a bit more damaging I expect. Maybe you could threaten to cut off his balls if you get there, actually.
His phallus is so big, it is a prime target for attack.
You attack his swinging, bulbous weak point This is not what you thought you'd be doing with your day
In spite of your distraction, the captain is in trouble!! He is good at dodging but the Phallomancer is dishing out so many magical attacks there's no opening for him, and he's bound to get tired soon!!! Fool!! My Tool is MIGHTY! It is TURGID! It is BIGGER!! WHAT HOPE HAVE YOU
grab on to his pubes and start headbutting his balls!!!
>>588103 ok let's not make this quest get too weird attacking his dick isn't going to work brah
>>588102 If you get higher you could start punching him in the eyeballs!
a stab to the nuts!
You go for his eye!! But after one punch he grabs you from his face and pulls you off!!
He throws you at the captain and hits him right in the chest!! You both land in a crumpled heap. The puissant pillar of the Phallomancer looms above you. You were Fools to oppose me!!!! Pencilpenis FOOLS! Have you any final words, Small One?
Pull your pants down. Show him that although you will die, you die unashamed of your tiny penis.
phallomancer!!!! look at THIS!!!!
"i know you are but what am i?"
Oh my GOD The Phallomancer trembles with deep belly laughter. It is a sound you have heard many times. Oh my GOD that is so SMALL!! I've seen some tiny dicks in my time. Some really cruddy chodes. But that takes the cake!! Haaaa! Oh my God!! He rolls over backward, convulsing with laughter.
>>588111 WELL?
pull your pants back on...
>>588114 Quick, while he's down! RUN AWAY! Or maybe the Captain can use the opportunity to wreck his shit?
>>588117 The captain cuts his head off SKA POW!
WELL I GUESS THE MORAL IS IT TURNS OUT HAVING A BIG DICK ISN'T ACTUALLY ALL THAT IMPORTANT, the captain says. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOUR FUCKING HEAD IS FUCKING GONE!! He pats you on the hat. YOUR PENIS IS TINY BUT YOUR BALLS ARE BIG, PROBATIONARY FIRST MATE. YOU'RE FIRST MATE AGAIN!!! my penis is still tiny, you say. DON'T WORRY!! JUST DRINK HIS BLOOD.
>>588119 Guzzle that shit.
>>588119 Hurry up and do it. Go go. Drink that blood pouring out of his severed head stem.
>>588120 >>588121 You drink the blood. The micropenis that you were genetically cursed with becomes a healthy, normal sized piece of male anatomy. Every night a kind but disappointed ladyfriend excused herself from your room you wept yourself asleep to dream of this: a day when you would no longer be trapped inside a body that bitterly failed to express your sexual desire or self-actualization.
COOL, says the captain. NOW COME GO ON BULLSHIT ADVENTURES WITH ME AND BE MY BOYFRIEND
>>588119 Bypass blood, go straight for consuming soul before it fully escapes the body
Dude I'm not gay. (or have the pronouns been wrong this whole time?)
sorry um um i'm not gay WOW says the captain. She opens her jacket. JUST BECAUSE I AM THE PHYSICAL INCARNATION OF A PENIS ENLARGEMENT SPAM IMAGE YOU AND THE GUY WRITING THIS QUEST THOUGHT I WAS A DUDE? oh, you say. ok i'll be your bf SICK!!!! THO YOU'RE BOTH BACK ON PROBATION
LETS FUCK OFF TO ADVENTURE!!!!! the captain says. Then you do. THE END.
"um, wow," says 73-6-2. "The end!!! Did you like it, wirechild?" "i've never had a bedtime story," says 73-6-2, "but i think they're not really like that back in meatspace."
That twist ending gives this story a 4.0 ham sandwich rating. GG wire, GG. Also this is exactly what a head fucked AI would read you for bedtime.
Wait a second, the AI is aware that this is a quest, ABORT! ABORT!
>>588165 Dude, the AI is the one running the quest. We're all fragments of its core personality.
I for one loved your bedtime story.
Don't just drink it, bathe in it. Savor this mans life juice. Become a pig to his bloody mud pit, you must truly enjoy being covered in it.