Kaktus 2014/05/17(Sat)15:18 No. 574835 ID: 65a774
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>[Message to Pink: How did Elizah know there were traps past the golems? Did she actually send someone in or just take their word for it?]
[Never got past gravity trap. Golems told us of more traps ahead.]

>Is the water on the ceiling coming from a hole?
The water is dripping from the floor… err… roof? Um… from where the chandeliers are… man, this is weird…
>That the mirror is completely black makes me think that at the least the illumination down here is illusionary. Take out your light crystal and check the mirror again.
I hope it still works after that fire in the academy… hmm… well, at least the crystal works, but the mirror is still as dark as ever.

>For now though maybe you should just leave it and continue on…
Tap tap tap… no traps anywhere… hmm… wait, are you fallowing me?
You’re the most interesting thing that has happened since the last time you were here, and I don’t want to miss when the traps cut you to ribbons.
Didn’t you say th- wait, last time I was here?
You said it was a time loop, therefor you have to have been here before, right?
That’s not… I… urgh, didn’t you guys say you shouldn’t leave your post?
They said it, not me. Now, go on and die already. Oh, I hope as spectacular as last time… just, don’t do it like you did three times ago, that was a real letdown…
…You’re starting to confuse me here… Have I been here before or not?
Not telling unless you give me something in return…
And that would be?
I’ve already told you what I want.
You’re really starting to get on my nerves…

Insert Boredom or insanity? Maybe both…_

Okay now there's The Hermit, Wheel of Fortune, and Justice.

Hey, hang on. Ask the golem if they want you to order them to disassemble eachother. Also, why?

For this room, looks like gravity switches a couple more times. Toss the spear in there.

More importantly...Something somewhere in here has blades, lots of em, and the skeletons are scattered in their placement but they all seem to have 'down' as their gravitational setting...Which either means the gravity reverses up ahead OR once rendered lifeless you aren't affected by the gravity weirdness...Doubt it though.

>>574835
Oh, I just realized all these skulls are lying around... decapitations? You might want to crawl. Where are the rest of their skeletons though?

Kaktus 2014/05/18(Sun)07:29 No. 574909 ID: 65a774
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>Okay now there's The Hermit, Wheel of Fortune, and Justice.
Let’s see… a human with a lantern, a… wheel with… wait, is that my dagger? It kind of looks like my dagger, doesn’t it? …and… justice is… what is that? Some weird… grey… thing… almost looks like that form player gray took… hmm…
>Hey, hang on. Ask the golem if they want you to order them to disassemble each other. Also, why?
Because we remember. We remember every time you fail and come back here… over and over… we want to rest… forever…
But if it’s a time loop won’t you be here when I came back again?
It’s not a time loop. You come back after when you’ve never been here.
I… err… what? That doesn’t… how… huh?
Kill us and win. Promise me that and I’ll tell you everything I can.
…well, if you tell me stuff I’m pretty sure the chances we’ll win goes up radically. So, it’s a time loop or?
There are three futures ahead, One where the daemons come and feast upon your people, killing most of the world and leaves the tribes to rule over their new kingdom. Another is when the daemons are sealed away, all the voices in the world see the chaos the daemons have wrought and decides that this is the best moment to expand their own kingdoms, thus the most terrible war the world have ever seen will scourge the world in fire. The third future that comes is… a slow death. Slowly, everything stops growing, recourses just disappear and the very sun dims and dies… because of something your voices have done. Every time you fail, every time you come back and try again.
What did they do?
Don’t ask me, I’m just the janitor of this place.
And the windows? What do they mean? Who’s the High priestess?
She isn’t important… well, some of her actions are important but not that important. Let’s see… the Fool is voices, The Magician hasn’t been decided yet, The High priestess is a woman you’ll meet across the great sea soon. The Empress, The Hierophant, The Chariot, Strength and The Hermit are the same, people you will meet. The Wheel of fortune on the other hand is… well, the future you get.
And that weird… gray thing?
An angle descending from the very heavens, who’s journey across the endless sea in the belly of a metal god is finally over.
…right, and the rest? The ones that are coming up?
I’m sorry, I don’t know.
But… you knew the rest of them.
The ones you haven’t seen haven’t been decided yet, thus I can’t know about them, but the ones you’ve seen have always been, therefore I know.
…you’re giving me a headache, you know that?

>Something somewhere in here has blades, lots of em, and the skeletons are scattered in their placement but they all seem to have 'down' as their gravitational setting...
Right… blade traps… can’t you say where the traps are?
No can do. I don’t know where they are this time around.
>You might want to crawl.
Yes, keep me head low and make sure with the spear that I don’t step on something I shouldn’t step on.
>Where are the rest of their skeletons though?
Cleanup is a bitch.
>For this room, looks like gravity switches a couple more times. Toss the spear in there.
The gravity seems to switch right after the wheel widow… hmm… now, how do I get down there?
Jump?
I was lucky last time none of my bone broke… let’s not try out that luck again, shall we?
Dive! Swan dive! Right into the water! Do it!

Insert I’m pretty sure I ordered some traps to be place here somewhere…_

>>574909
So, we're stuck in a no-win scenario... no wonder we keep loading our save. However, this run is different. I think we did something last run that altered the timeline for this one, just as killing this golem will affect future timelines, if there are any. We probably put this dagger into the game ourselves. It sounds like the endings are Heads, Tails, and Destroy the Coin or maybe No Flip. We need to land the coin on its edge. Ask the golem if we've ever tried getting all the nations to sign a peace treaty before sealing the demons away. I mean, if they agree how to divide up all the land before a war starts, they won't need to fight over it. Alternatively, we could get this "angel" to help keep the peace somehow.

How come the reversed gravity doesn't affect the golem? As for getting down safely, you could try building a platform with ice magic to get you closer to the floor so you can jump into the regular gravity without as much of a fall. Also ask her (that is a female lizard model right?) to walk ahead of you to check for traps.

So, the wheel represents our potential futures. Three such futures were named.
However: there are four points on that wheel. Hope remains.

>Dive! Swan dive! Right into the water! Do it!
It's four feet deep! You'd break your everything if you dived into that! Ask the golem why the heck its suggesting you do that when it'd make it very unlikely you'd be able to give the dismantle order afterwards.

Show the golem your blacked out mirror and ask what's causing it to be blacked out and why. My guess is it's a illusion placed over the mirror to prevent you from using it to see through all the other illusions here.

>It's not a time loop. You come back after when you've never been here.
I think I know what it is: It's save states. The state of the game world and everything and everyone in it is written out and saved at certain points. Those save points can then be loaded back at a later time, remaking the world as it was in the save. So it doesn't actually go back in time, it just remakes everything as it was. Ask the golem how close I am to what it actually is.

I'd guess the golem knows what happened across all the reloads 'cause it, or at least its mind, wasn't remade; It was removed and then reinserted back into the world after it was remade. Ask it how come its been excluded from being remade by the reload. Is it because it's a agent of the game system or something like that and it resides outside the game? Also ask what others in this world remember like it does.

As for how to get past the gravity flip: Remember when you fell down the shaft at Ilbir's dig site? That was much farther than the distance between the floor and ceiling here and you didn't break anything then. I think as long as you land on your feet here you'll be fine.

First, take your chestplate off and drop it to the "floor" to lighten yourself up before you do this. Lay face down this side of the gravity switch with your feet facing the way you want to go. Then push yourself along with your arms so your legs cross the gravity transition. Keep pushing yourself along and eventually enough of your weight will be on that side you'll fall towards the "floor" feet first. Try to land where your spear landed.

Oh wait, it isn't simply heads-tails-etc, it's a progression. The first ending is us losing the fight against the demons entirely. The second is winning but not preparing for the future. The third is winning, and stopping the forthcoming war, but we fuck up something with the world in the process. So we just need to figure out how to not fuck up the world, and we can get the fourth ending where everything works out.

Kaktus 2014/05/18(Sun)14:38 No. 574940 ID: 65a774
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>So, the wheel represents our potential futures. Three such futures were named. However: there are four points on that wheel. Hope remains.
I freaking hope so.
>Ask the golem why the heck its suggesting you do that when it'd make it very unlikely you'd be able to give the dismantle order afterwards.
Boredom maybe? Insanity? Both?
>Show the golem your blacked out mirror and ask what's causing it to be blacked out and why.
Is this reality? Is this just some fantasy? How do you know the mirror is real? That this place is real? That you or me are real? Everything is but an illusion, shielding you from the hard, cold truth of reality.
So that’s a… yes? No?
>I think I know what it is: It's save states. The state of the game world and everything and everyone in it is written out and saved at certain points.
No matter how many times you reassemble the board, you’ll never get the die to show a seven.
Not unless you cleave it before it hit the ground.
…huh?
Right through the middle, which means you either get a six and a one, five and two or three and four… seven!

>Ask it how come it’s been excluded from being remade by the reload.
We are supposed to make thing run smooth, but nothing is smooth anymore. If only I should wipe my own memory and take part in the game like your friend…
>Ask the golem if we've ever tried getting all the nations to sign a peace treaty before sealing the demons away.
Yes, but the artificial gods where created to wage war so there will always be war, a war no one can win.
>The first ending is us losing the fight against the demons entirely. The second is winning but not preparing for the future. The third is winning, and stopping the forthcoming war, but we fuck up something with the world in the process.
Maybe? The first one is correct but the others… I don’t know…
>How come the reversed gravity doesn't affect the golem?
Because I will it to be so and so it is now and forever again in the past.
You’re just throwing words together by this point, aren’t you?
>Also ask her (that is a female lizard model right?) to walk ahead of you to check for traps.
I do not have a gender. I am what I am. But very well, I’ll walk in front of you if you so wish.

>As for getting down safely, you could try building a platform with ice magic to get you closer to the floor so you can jump into the regular gravity without as much of a fall.
Hmm… or a slide… and ice slide…
…you got to be kidding me!
WEEEE!!!!
…really?
I so have to show this off to Eliraz!
While your drowning in your own glee, let me present to you the hall of statues… hmm… let’s see… “Lord Jericho Drak'hon the Second. Killed by a blade Trap.”
Wait, what?
And the windows? Hmm… interesting… three demons for three windows, eh?
What was that about a blade trap?

Insert All the traps! ALL OF THEM!!_

>>574940
Are you fucking kidding me? There's ONE trap. See that raised stone in the middle of the second line of statues? Just don't step on that. Just how many times have we been through here, if you fell prey to such a simple trap at least 10 times?

This is The Hanged Man, Death, and Temperance. The Hanged Man represents a change in perspective leading to good things, Death represents a great change, and Temperance represents unification and harmony. Hanged Man is appropriate for Steve since he changes his perspective to that of a mortal in order to live in happiness. Death is appropriate for Bob because he's orchestrating the exile of most of the demons. Temperance is appropriate for the Magus because uh, he lives in harmony with mortals I guess?

The note said to choose Temperance... Hang on, what if we avoided exile altogether and just set up more of those undead power source rooms for all the demons? Then they wouldn't have to feed on the suffering of mortals, and could live amongst them peacefully, enjoying whatever they happen to enjoy. I find it hard to believe we didn't try that before, though. Maybe that's the third ending, where everything decays? Why though?

>>574944
That probably means there's a second trigger around here somewhere.

>>574949

While unusual, the black orb in bob's circle seems to be a bit oddly colored compared to the rest of the glass.

Kaktus 2014/05/19(Mon)09:32 No. 574996 ID: 65a774
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>Hanged Man is appropriate for Steve since he changes his perspective to that of a mortal in order to live in happiness.
But didn’t this Steve guy have yellow eyes? …and wasn’t he wearing purple in the lover’s window?
Why would Steve have two windows dedicated to him, hmm?
Then who is it? I’ve only met two daemons… and that Steve guy who apparently gave me the spear…
You haven’t been around the world yet, have you?
…so… There’s one more?
>Death is appropriate for Bob because he's orchestrating the exile of most of the demons.
Yes, Bob is… a being of change, isn’t he?
>Temperance is appropriate for the Magus because uh, he lives in harmony with mortals I guess?
Daemon and human… two opposites… yet, he’s the first of a kind…
>Hang on, what if we avoided exile altogether and just set up more of those undead power source rooms for all the demons? Then they wouldn't have to feed on the suffering of mortals, and could live amongst them peacefully, enjoying whatever they happen to enjoy. I find it hard to believe we didn't try that before, though. Maybe that's the third ending, where everything decays? Why though?
Tell me, do you believe the daemons will be satisfied with that? Will the voices be satisfied? Is giving beings of war access to weapons that can destroy nations the wisest of decisions?

>Are you fucking kidding me? There's ONE trap. See that raised stone in the middle of the second line of statues? Just don't step on that.
…what happened to the hundred traps?
What are you talking about, they are right there! See, you passed the test, now get over here.
…how did I die countless of times on this one trap?
This place changes every time, it’s never the same…
Hmm… “Lord Jericho Drak'hon the Second. Became a pin cushion for several spears.”, “Lord Jericho Drak'hon the Second. Burned to a crisp by an exploding arrow.”, “Lord Jericho Drak'hon the Second. Crushed by a falling statue while being distracted reading it’s plague.”? Err…
>That probably means there's a second trigger around here somewhere. The black orb in bob's circle seems to be a bit oddly colored compared to the rest of the glass.
…no… something isn’t right here…
But I walked over here, didn’t I? Nothing happened, see?
So… if I just happened to levitate some ice past that oddly colored part of the death window…
Wait, do-

Kaktus 2014/05/19(Mon)09:33 No. 574997 ID: 65a774
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*Click*Swing*Splush*Crush*Klonk*Sound*Effect*Pling*Trap*Happening*Stuff*Blowing*Up*And*Shit*Weee*
OH GODS MY EYE!!

Insert I’d buy that for a dollar!_

HOLY SHIT! Get down! Bolts incoming from behind and above! Full sphere thick ice barrier, now! Keep casting ice around you! ICE IT ALL! FREEZE EVERYTHING FUCKING SOLID!

I hope your eye isn't damaged beyond use, 'cause otherwise you're gonna be waiting until Varius' attachment technique is figured out to get a new one.

If the warmongering AIs are the problem, then what if we somehow remove them from the game? Take them out and leave the ones who're less war inclined behind? No idea how we could do that, though.

>>574997
Create a shield of ice around yourself. Bolts are coming from all directions, you can't dodge them. Then start freezing all the moving parts so you can get past.

It sounds like we need to shut down the AIs, yeah... but wouldn't that be murder? I'd prefer to force the AIs to inhabit single bodies so they can't warmonger as effectively anymore.

Also I don't agree that the Magus' setup is usable as a weapon. He's stuck in one place!

>>575027

Yes but he was created weak as he was, the other daemons likely wouldn't be that weak as they are naturally themselves.

As it is Jericho use the statue's to shield yourself and wait it out.

Kaktus 2014/05/20(Tue)07:08 No. 575109 ID: 65a774
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>HOLY SHIT! Get down! Bolts incoming from behind and above! Full sphere thick ice barrier, now! Keep casting ice around you! ICE IT ALL! FREEZE EVERYTHING FUCKING SOLID!
>use the statue's to shield yourself and wait it out.
ICE AND STONE, PROTECT MY FREAKING BONES- *BOOM!* EEEE!!!

…

Are you still alive?
No…
I mean undead… not dead dead.
*Ugh* …I probably broke a few bones, a bolt pierced my eye (and other places on my head, legs, arms… ), my bandages are torn on several places, I’ve got some fire damage, I was crushed by a falling statue and I think I got a bolt or two lodged in my butt… but I’ll “live”… Already being dead does have some upsides.
You’re just lucky that armor of yours protected the core from all those bolts. But never mind, let’s keep going!
…I’m not stepping on that trap again.
Don’t worry, you’ll be fine… just hop on over.
…the trap activated when I levitated that ice ball past the window… the window depicting death? Hmm… well, being killed by traps would be considered a change, wouldn’t it?
Stop moping and come over here already, your next test awaits.
I’m not stupid, you know… I got to find a way past the trap first.
>Then start freezing all the moving parts so you can get past.
…I don’t know where the moving parts are currently. They were moving too fast a moment ago and… hmm… I can’t see how they popped out of from the walls in the first place.

>I hope your eye isn't damaged beyond use, 'cause otherwise you're gonna be waiting until Varius' attachment technique is figured out to get a new one.
…With my luck, I’m going to lose my other eye too before this is all over.
>If the warmongering AIs are the problem, then what if we somehow remove them from the game?
And how would you do that, I ask?
>Also I don't agree that the Magus' setup is usable as a weapon. He's stuck in one place!
He’s a lot weaker then he used to be… he’s practically mortal by now… He’ll die like one soon too… Now, you’ve already sprung the trap, so let’s get moving.
…so not trusting you about the trap… hmm… there got to be a way past it… or to destroy it…

Insert Nuke it from orbit, it’s the only way to be sure_

Shatter the window maybe?

>>575109
You could try making an ice staircase over the window entirely, or break the window. Actually, I wonder if you could go around by breaking through Hanged Man and reentering through Temperance.

Tell the golem that you're not going anywhere until it moves this statue off you and plucks out all the bolts stuck in you you can't reach. Pull the rest of the bolts out, gingerly check which bones are broken and put yourself in as much order as you can. However, if you have any major broken bones or other damage you should turn back and get it fixed by a necromancer and then return.

Maybe there's a connected space behind the windows you could use to bypass the traps or access their mechanisms to break them. I say smash a hole in the bottom of the XII window, but take precautions before you do in case it triggers the traps. Hunker down behind the left most statue and layer up a thick ice shield over yourself. Then form up a ice spike and levitate it at high speed through the window. Alternatively you could pick up a chunk of statue, head back to XI, then hurl it through the XII window and hunker down in the pool under XI.

...Of course, since this is supposedly a test of courage it may mean we have to have the courage to just walk through here now. Though, we were told it was a test of courage by that golem, and I trust it about as far as I can throw it. I'd rather try every other possibility before resorting to this one.

Why is Artemis not with us, by the way?

Kaktus 2014/05/20(Tue)13:27 No. 575136 ID: 65a774
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>Why is Artemis not with us, by the way?
…that’s a very good question. She should have caught up by now.
Last time I saw that lucky thing of a bitch it was stuck on some spears in the first gravity trap.
>Tell the golem that you're not going anywhere until it moves this statue off you and plucks out all the bolts stuck in you that you can't reach.
I used to be someone! And now look at me! Plucking bolts out of the butt of some smelly Mummy!
Hey!
>Pull the rest of the bolts out, gingerly check which bones are broken and put yourself in as much order as you can.
*Urg* …I seems to be… functional… hmm… I think I got a broken rib… and pelvis… and a leg… but I don’t really seem… affected by them. In fact, I can walk on my broken leg just fine…
You’re bound together by magic, not bones.

>Shatter the window maybe?
>You could try making an ice staircase over the window entirely.
Hmm… but what if it still activates?
It won’t, now move it!
>Actually, I wonder if you could go around by breaking through Hanged Man and reentering through Temperance.
*Crash!*
HEY! What are you doing!?
Hey, there’s a small corridor between these three windows back here…
Well, yeah, it’s for the lightning… hey, you’re not supposed to go back there!
*Crash!*
HA! Walked right around that stupid trap!
What!? No! You’re not supposed to do that!
>...Of course, since this is supposedly a test of courage it may mean we have to have the courage to just walk through here now.
The trap is a fake! It won’t actually kill you! Just… hurt you horribly the first time you try to pass!
Only hurt me? I got a freaking arrow through my eye!
You’re still alive… err… undead, aren’t you!? Bah, the whole test of courage was a waste.

Kaktus 2014/05/20(Tue)13:28 No. 575137 ID: 65a774
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Ah, the test of power… I like to see you trick your way through this!
Wait, that’s me?
Hello, me… you need to burn like the abomination to the gods eyes that you are, monster.

Insert Mirror match! Round 1! FIGHT!_

>>575137
Well this should be a cakewalk. Do violence upon your old self, Jericho.

XV is The Devil, which represents being bound by earthy desires, lacking personal growth. I suppose Mor'Kay and the other two tribal leaders are too caught up in the war to enjoy life. We'll fix that soon, I think.
XVI is The Tower, which generally signifies some sort of chaotic disaster or upheaval. Maybe even the downfall of the prideful. The window depicts what the card usually does- a tower being struck by lightning and people falling out of it. Do you recognize the tower? Looks like a mantis dressed in red falling out.
XVII is The Star, representing renewed hope and tranquility. The lizard in the window is Vlad, one of our pawns in the north-future-present. I'll leave out his story, it's a bit personal.

Listen carefully Jericho:
Only use your magic to counter his if he uses any, and be very careful.
Your Spear of Light won't harm mortals if I recall or something like that, so you have to disarm and kill him with that spear he's holding. Made all the more difficult for the fact that he knows you and how you fight- I'd reccomend against a feint of any sort as well.

There is no way this is going to be as simple and easy as defeating a mirror version of your old self in combat. After all, a battle between who you are now and who you were would hardly be a fight, let alone a "test of power." There has to be more to mirror-Jericho and this test than that.

I'd advise caution at first here. We don't know what mirror-Jer is capable of, or even what attacking him would do. It might be that damage to him will mirror to you, or that abilities you use he'll then be able to use. I suggest standing off and see if he'll make the first move so we get some idea what he can do.

Initially go for disarming and stunning strikes and keep the magic back unless he uses any, and even if he does go for uses that'll put him off balance. Something like glazing the floor under his feet with ice, starting a small fire on his clothes, or throwing an ice ball at him.

Jer, could you again describe what the windows depict for us. I believe XV:The Devil depicts Durach at left, Eliros at right, but I'm not sure about the middle. It's likely Mor'Kay, but her eyes aren't red and we've never seen her head from the front before. XVI:The Tower is the usual lightning strike depiction, but we can't make out the figure very well. And XVII:The Star looks like Vlad, one of our future pawns, or someone who looks similar to him.

>>575159
>Mor'Kay's eyes aren't red
Oh, you're right. I wonder who that is, then. The figure is wearing clothes that don't match her clothes either.

Kaktus 2014/05/21(Wed)09:34 No. 575213 ID: 65a774
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>Jer, could you again describe what the windows depict for us.
Err… I’m pretty sure you guys can see them as well as I can.
>I believe XV:The Devil depicts Durach at left, Eliros at right, but I'm not sure about the middle. It's likely Mor'Kay, but her eyes aren't red and we've never seen her head from the front before.
I have no idea how those people look like but… wait, that’s my father? The skull? He’s undead? …and my mother?
Your mom looks like a freaking noodle, there’s no way they would fit her on a card.
Then who… wait… the dark one?
Maybe~
>XVI is The Tower. The window depicts what the card usually does- a tower being struck by lightning and people falling out of it. Looks like a mantis dressed in red falling out.
That’s a tower? Um… I guess it is… and that’s probably a mantis falling, yes.
>XVII is The Star. The lizard in the window is Vlad, one of our pawns in the north-future-present.
Wait… all the others except the daemons were of people you haven’t met yet…
Oh, someone has seen a pattern, eh?

>Well this should be a cakewalk. Do violence upon your old self, Jericho.
I… um… while I want to punch myself in the face for some things I’ve done in the past… err… killing myself is a bit… creepy, to say the least.
>There is no way this is going to be as simple and easy as defeating a mirror version of your old self in combat. After all, a battle between who you are now and who you were would hardly be a fight, let alone a "test of power."
Right, there got to be some kind of trick to this.
Trust me, there’s not trick. It’s just a battle to prove your power.
So it’s definitely a trick!
Wait, no- I mean, yes, it’s a trick!
I knew it!
…dammit, that was reverse psychology!
You can’t fool me, golem!
>Only use your magic to counter his if he uses any, and be very careful.
Right, no magic…
That’s a terrible idea!
>I suggest standing off and see if he'll make the first move so we get some idea what he can do.
ARE YOU NUTS!? You’re going to get yourself killed!!
It’s a trick, isn’t it. He won’t fight me if I don’t fight him, ri-

Kaktus 2014/05/21(Wed)09:34 No. 575214 ID: 65a774
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DIE!!!
*Glurg!*
I freaking warned you, but noooo…

Insert K.O! Jericho Wins! Perfect!_

GODS' FUCKING DAMMIT! Why the fuck couldn't we take this test at face fucking value?! Why the fuck do we have to fucking overthink every fucking thing?! Why the fuck are we fucking up so fucking badly?! FUCK!

...Okay, we haven't gotten a "game over" yet, so Jer isn't dead. ...That is, unless the message is a delayed response. [Check status of "The Pebble"]

Maybe we can help directly here: [Summon Spear of Light above mirror-Jericho's head, point towards him]

Jer! Jer, please, if you're still there, cast all your fire magic forward! Every last drop of it! Don't focus; Just pour it out! It's your only hope!

Kaktus 2014/05/21(Wed)10:46 No. 575219 ID: 65a774
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> [Check status of "The Pebble"]
[The Pebble is currently the dead!]
>Dopefish porn.
Loading… 95% completed…
>Play doom.
Booting up Doom.exe…
…
…
…
Welcome, to Die! Err… I mean, DOOM!

>New Game.
Starting a new game…

Kaktus 2014/05/21(Wed)10:46 No. 575220 ID: 65a774
File 140069439020.png - (243.67KB , 640x480 , Why could\'t they have left a shotgun.png )

You are a SPEHSS MEHREEN!!! stationed on Mars, the dullest place ever for such a badass SPEHSS MEHREEN!!! as yourself (There aren’t even any heretic skulls to crush here!). Your job is to act as security for the two secret moon bases stationed on Mars moons, but who in their right mind would ever attack this god forsaken place? Your time on Mars will probably be spent breathing space dust and staring into a wall… at least, that what you thought. Suddenly, the moon of Deimos and its moon base just disappear from the sky and strange distress calls start coming from the base on Phobos, “We’re being killed by DEMONS!”.

Responding to a frantic distress call from the overrun scientists, your SPEHSS MEHREEN!!! unit is quickly sent by ship from Mars to Phobos to investigate, where you are left to guard the perimeter with only a dinky, sucky little pea shooter while the rest of the group proceeds inside with all the cool guns… like shotguns… and BFGS! While waiting for your SPEHSS MEHREEN!!! brothers to kick the ass of anyone stupid enough to attack this place you hear an assortment of radio messages, gunfire, and screams, followed by silence: "Seems like my buddies are dead."

You cannot navigate the ship off of Phobos alone so the only way off this dust ball is through the base, kicking whoever’s ass is in the way while chewing bubble gum… and currently you don’t have any ass to kick! “*Chew*Chew* …mmm… strawberry…”

You’re a SPEHSS MEHREEN!!! with a dinky pea shooter. What do you do?

Insert Awesome music!_

>>575220
Loot everything that isn't an explosive barrel of waste. Turn hostiles into peapods with peashooter.

hang left for some kickass armor.

>>575214
Since when is ice harder than steel? It's like we're wearing armor for nothing.

>>575220
IDDQD

Kaktus 2014/05/21(Wed)12:50 No. 575229 ID: 65a774
File 140070184135.png - (362.43KB , 640x480 , I\'ll call it Vera___ or maybe Bob.png )

>IDDQD
You walk left thrice and change your weapon to your fists for some reason… also, you press the useless button “I”. Hmm, it seems like whatever cheat you tried to insert doesn’t work in this version. Who cares! You don’t need any cheats when you’re a badass SPEHSS MEHREEN!!!

>Loot everything that isn't an explosive barrel of waste.
You’ve always wondered what’s up with those barrels’. Why leave then right in the middle of room where accidents can happen? “Why can’t we find a way to safely dispose of radioactive waste? What kind of world are we leaving for our children!? Oh, the humanity!”

>Turn hostiles into peapods with peashooter.
Your gun isn’t a good enough communicator to politely ask your enemies to eat their peas.

>Hang left for some kickass armor.
If you mean these puny helmet things or what they are then sure… go right ahead and pick one up. It’s not like… wait… what is that? Is that what I think it is!? Holy smokes! A Rocket Lawnchair! The great communicator! With this you’ll be able to really communicate whit whoever crosses your path!
“Groovy!”

…but wait, why is there a Rocket Lawnchair just lying in the open like this?
“Who cares!”
It might be a trap!
“Then I will spring it!”
But bad stuff might happen! I mean, real bad stuff! Like… err… Exterminatus kind of bad.
“Exterminatuses are awesome! And what can this game throw at me that I can’t just shrug off? My cause is just...my will is strong...and my gun will soon be very, very large! There’s no way I can lose!”
…yeah, this is definitely a trap.

Spring Trap?
[Nah, let’s be a pussy. ] <---
[ROCKET LAWNCHAIR!!!]
[Wait, wasn’t there supposed to be like… four guys with shotguns here or something? And a green armor?]
[Other.]

Loot everything that IS an explosive barrel and throw them at your enemies.

>[ROCKET LAWNCHAIR!!!]
Sure. Go for it. May as well get this farce over with quickly.

It's a trap! Setup by Baron Von Cyberdemon and his trusty spiderbot pet.

Just get the rocket launcher.

Kaktus 2014/05/22(Thu)07:59 No. 575316 ID: 65a774
File 140077074577.png - (355.41KB , 640x480 , But where is the cute spider.png )

>Loot everything that IS an explosive barrel and throw them at your enemies.
Congratulations! Trying to lift one of the heavy barrels only results with you getting covered in its soft, gooey center. Here, take some damage.
“Now I`m radioactive! That can`t be good!”
>Just get the rocket launcher.
“This is my boomstick! …wait, why is the floor moving?”
It’s a trap! I warned you, you fool!

>It's a trap! Setup by Baron Von Cyberdemon!
Oh no! OH NO! It’s a Cyberdemon! RUN AWAY!!
“Dat ass!”
There’s no way we can surv- wait, what?
“Unf! It’s like it’s sculpted from fine stone!”
…seriously? SERIOUSLY!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!
“It’s a really well shaped ass, that’s all.”
I… don’t… doesn’t… GAH! That’s it! I’m leaving! You’re on your own!
“…”
…well, apparently I can’t leave… but, seriously, RUN!

Run away?
---> [Run away like a little girl!]
[Use your newly acquired ROCKET LAWNCHAIR!!]
[Use your pea shooter.]
[Show him you’re a man! PUNCH HIM! RIP AND TEAR!!]
[Greet him. Say hello!]
[Tell him he got a nice ass.]
[Flirt.]
[Other.]

…oh, god… why are those last two even options?
Cyberdemon: “Why can’t we find a way to safely dispose of radioactive waste? What kind of world are we leaving for our children!? Oh, the humanity!”

All of the above.

Flirt with him, then tell him he has a nice ass and show him what a man you are by using your rocket lawnchair on dat ass.

And then once we've got the rocket and peashooter off, run away and never call him again. Because, you know, you're a man.

>>575319

Yes

Kaktus 2014/05/22(Thu)11:14 No. 575329 ID: 65a774
File 140078249011.png - (8.39KB , 664x431 , Doesn\'t matter, had sex.png )

>Flirt with him, then tell him he has a nice ass and show him what a man you are by using your rocket lawnchair on dat ass.
“Why, hello there, beautiful”
Oh god, I can’t believe this…

…

And thus, you… no… no, I’m not reading this! What? What do you mean I won’t get paid if I don’t- fine fine… *Cough* And thus you… showed the cyberdemon how much of an man you are by taking him out to a nice dinner, a romantic movie and then finished of the night by… “blowing” those two “rocket” you picked up with the “rocket launcher” deep inside that… yes… that thing…

>And then once we've got the rocket and peashooter off, run away and never call him again. Because, you know, you're a man.
“Did the world rock for you too, babe?
Cyberdemon: “That was amazing! I’ve never been with someone like you before!
“Well, glad to satisfy, but I need to get going. Call you later, babe.
Cyberdemon: Oh, that would be- wait, you never got my number… hello? …hello? …son of a bi-

Kaktus 2014/05/22(Thu)11:15 No. 575330 ID: 65a774
File 140078252677.png - (301.91KB , 640x480 , If you know what I mean___.png )

Level “Entryway” Finished!

Kills: 0%
Items: 5%
Secrets: 25%
Hot Cyberdemon ass: 105%
Cheese: 1%
Badass: 12 / 10

Time: 7:32:14 Par: 0:30

Achievements:
“Run and gun”
“Double Barrel”
“Into the depths”
“You’re huge! That means you got a huge…”
“Dynamite!”
“and then fornication happened… in the butt.”

>Hot Cyberdemon ass: 105%
>Badass: 12 / 10
Aw, yeah! Double aced the only two stats that matter! An excellent run!

>>575330
What an amazing ending.

>>575330
Flawless victory.