2/2 Caravan King 2013/10/11(Fri)23:27 No. 543861 ID: d38f67
File 138155924031.png - (138.48KB , 700x700 , 86.png )

It just so happens to be where his clients are conveniently in one place.

The King kindly informs them that if their butts are not on the wagon in a short period of time, then he will kick them there.

How did your caravan get to another continent?
Did you ford an ocean?

Go to settings. Set rations to barebone and pace to grueling.

So... when you say summoned by a lich, do you mean that literally? Are you Caravan King-ing from beyond the grave now?

(We don't know when the events of Chop's Dojo / Oremor Trail take place relative to the events of Story Seeker / Works of Chaos. It's possible Duke is long dead, here. Or not. Or maybe a Time Lord was involved).

>one SLIMEGIRL (1) one KOBOLD (1)
and one WHATEVER THAT FUNNY LOOKING SCALY THING IS (1). Not a kobold, for sure.

>butt-kicking
There might be a problem with your butt-kicking plan, there. I'm not sure slimes have butts to kick, and that bold looks a too small, pathetic and female to consider actually harming. Even Duke has lines.

Guess that means funny-looker there will get the brunt of your attention.

Tell these chumps it's time to get their @#$% and get a move on, you don't have all day!

Then punch through the wall again on your way out.

Caravan King 2013/10/12(Sat)07:18 No. 543907 ID: d38f67
File 138158751599.png - (90.83KB , 700x700 , 87.png )

>How did your caravan get to another continent?
What's done is done. The Durk only concerns himself with the present, because that is the time to make more done things done.

>Go to settings. Set rations to barebone and pace to grueling.
The PACE is already set to BAREBONES and GRUELING.

>So... when you say summoned by a lich, do you mean that literally? Are you Caravan King-ing from beyond the grave now?
Literal in the sense that Bi is able to sense when someone performs the ritual to summon Durk's caravan. He is not certain how it works, but it brings in the customers, and that's all he cares about.

Dom and Gil are the only people hanging around from beyond the graves. Turns out his wagon is haunted, and they hang around. They can't mess around too much with physical stuff, but they can talk, hover around, and all around be not very spooky ghosts.

>There might be a problem with your butt-kicking plan, there. I'm not sure slimes have butts to kick, and that bold looks a too small, pathetic and female to consider actually harming.
The Durk expects that he will tell her to form a butt so that he may kick it at some point in the future. The girl looks like she is in no need of butt kicking.

The scaly guy asks how the Durk made his own entrance The Durk does not have time for this, and tells him to get his ass up in the wagon after informing him his fists were involved.

The Durk feels that it is time for the customary naming of the new people.

Please give names to the Scaly thing, the slimegirl and the bold. Also, one accessory for the bold, to tell her apart from all the rest.

>>543907
Peproni for Scales
Butts McGee for Slimy
Biggie Smalls for tinybold, a sweater

>>543912
wait wait, nope nope make that accessory a hoodie

>>543912
Okay, but obviously the slime is Drippy.

Blabbermouth
Drippy
and Biggie Smalls (and a sweater or hoodie works fine. She can even make it herself, saving you the trouble!)

Obviously the kobold needs a ridiculously awesome and over the top hat.

1/3 Durk 2013/10/12(Sat)11:12 No. 543953 ID: d38f67
File 138160153068.png - (69.27KB , 700x700 , 88.png )

New party members initiated!

Drippy, a Slime Girl
Proficient Slime Girl

Blabbermouth, a SELF-PROCLAIMED BARD
Talented Haggler
Competent Fighter
Accomplished Talker

Biggie Small, a TAILOR
Novice Tailor

2/3 Durk 2013/10/12(Sat)11:12 No. 543956 ID: d38f67
File 138160155475.png - (141.98KB , 700x700 , 89.png )

The Durk gets things moving.

The Lizardfolk don't like the Durk's moving, so the Durk moves faster.

Bi's asking what could've been done to offend the bigass asses, but Durk doesn't care, if it gets the oxen to move faster, he's not gonna wonder why. Plus, he's been waiting for an excuse to pull out the BFC.

3/3 Durk 2013/10/12(Sat)11:12 No. 543958 ID: d38f67
File 138160156179.png - (212.66KB , 1000x700 , 90.png )

The Durk's pretty sure Gnollflakes just pulled a drake up into the wagon. That one's gonna get a premium charged for it, cause the wagon just slowed down. Gonna have to name that one, too.

Good a time as any though to start deciding which way to go, too.

To the dorfs. They trade for valuable stuff, right?

And obviously we need to head right though the female trooper tribe's territory.

The drake's name shall be 'I Like Big Butts'.

>>543975
Too many spaces, not pretty enough

Miss MixaLot or
Butts McGee
>Biggie Small
No! Did we not have enough character space for the S at the end of Smalls?

Hrrrm...Sooo Plains is a given, After that, I'm thinking mermaid country will be a good place to get water supplies for the Desert, and we can stop by the Dorfs maybe for supplies and trading, before going through to our destination.

>>543994
We can fill up Drippy to store water for the desert. That's a thing we can do, right? Overfill a slime girl with water, and then drain it off later? Like a water barrel. Except transparent, and with boobs.

I'm sure it will be fine.

We go via female trooper territory as there's only a bunch of girls in the team and Durk, who's pretty obviously a deity and so exempt from any rules but the rules of awesome.

>>544004
Bi is male.

You know, why not bugger the map. Those locations aren't travels worth your skills. Go take them wares to the Gods themselves.

Durk 2013/10/12(Sat)15:24 No. 544014 ID: d38f67
File 138161664197.png - (224.94KB , 1000x700 , 91.png )

Biggie Small is now known as Biggie Smalls.

Drake is now known as Butts McGee.

>Store Drippy full of water
An idea that the Durk will enact when the future becomes the present.

>Go right to the gods
The Durk is concerned about cold hard cash, and the gods don't carry any of that.

The route is determined. The plains of gnolling are mandatory, and the caravan gets about halfway through before anything of note happens.

The oxen are going at a faster than normal pace, but one becomes SICK. It is only a few hours until the caravan reaches a medium sized gnoll encampment.

There's a left turn on that planned route. That won't work. You'll have to replace it with a 3 way right turn to get facing the right way.

>Sick oxen
What do we have on hand to attempt an impromptu cure? Does the ghost doc have any advice? Have you tried giving it some spicy cheese?

The obvious solution would be to punch the oxen better.

You could use your crossbow to perform acupuncture, it's some kind of new age hippie garbage but it's supposed to work anyway.

One 2013/10/12(Sat)20:26 No. 544071 ID: bd48c5
File 138163481308.png - (184.14KB , 1000x700 , Optimal Route.png )

>>543958
I have found the perfect way to go!

C'mon, let's go see what Demons look like.

Dunno looks pretty interesting as well!

1/3 Durk 2013/10/13(Sun)10:16 No. 544126 ID: d38f67
File 138168457399.png - (145.36KB , 700x700 , 92.png )

Blabbermouth blabbers something or another from the wagon and goes running towards the gnoll camp.

Dom tells Durk that the Oxen is suffering from a case.

He also says that the solution is to stop and rest awhile.

Durk says that the solution is acupuncture. Acupuncture fit for an ox.

2/3 Durk 2013/10/13(Sun)10:16 No. 544128 ID: d38f67
File 138168457875.png - (78.89KB , 700x700 , 93.png )

twang

3/3 Durk 2013/10/13(Sun)10:16 No. 544130 ID: d38f67
File 138168458525.png - (124.11KB , 700x700 , 94.png )

The oxen is better. Dom says nothing.

So Fluffy and manly! Truly, the best Ox.

Nod in satisfaction at your successful acupuncture, put Fluffy McOxly at the head of the team, and press on. I'm sure blabbermouth has had plenty of time to straiten out your passage through the gnoll village.

hot damn time to move on

Have to remember that one for later. While the blabbery one bothers the gnolls why don't we go hunting for food.

So uh, you did that on purpose, right?

>>544130
I think that actually made so little sense it elevated you to Prophet of the Chaos God. Well, I suppose we must continue.

>>544195
It makes perfect sense! Mou enchanted the bolts with random effects earlier. He just got a healing one

>>544197
It's chaos magic. How do you know the oxen isn't about to fly away deflating like an open balloon?

Durk 2013/10/16(Wed)20:38 No. 544458 ID: d38f67
File 138198111097.png - (94.20KB , 700x700 , 95.png )

>So uh, you did that on purpose, right?
Durk doesn't perform accidents.

>I think that actually made so little sense
Durk would love to see anyone pretend to be lethargic after being treated to the Crossbow Acupuncture treatement.

The oxen is reattached to the wagon, and the caravan gets back to a grueling pace.

Dom lifts himself as high off the ground to look ahead, doing his ghost scout thing. After coming down, he informs Duke that in his expert Novice Diagnostic opinion, the gnolls appear to be terribly unhealthy, and likely diseased. And gnoll diseases are usually contagious. Dom recommends steering clear.

hm, we might need supplies though... Well since that free loading kobolt is there might as well tell him to grab some useful stuff for the caravan. I mean if the gnolls are sick they probably won't last long anyways with there foolish warrior culture so might as well take there crap before some other gnolls burn it down.

>>544458
Alright then keep a healthy distance away from them. Make the kobold stay outside of the caravan until he's been deemed to have not caught anything.

Just head on through then. You know how easy people in the caravan come down with random aliments.

Nah, that's fine. You'll be coming through the village too hot to catch any cold.

It'll be fiiiine. Full speed ahead, no course correction.

Wait, we just learn of our aptitude for acupuncture and now we're avoiding a group of sick people?

Oh just shoot anyone going out there with accupuncture bolts to bolster their immune system then. Besides which, gives you an excuse to shoot that lizard freak.

Durk 2013/10/24(Thu)21:32 No. 545230 ID: d38f67
File 138267553826.png - (108.46KB , 700x700 , 96.png )

Far as the Durk is concerned, everyone gets sick too damn much as is, and going through a mangy gnoll camp isn't going to change anything about that. Probably. The Durk tries to acupuncture one of the gnolls. It catches on fire. Should've known Ox acupuncture wouldn't work on 'emd.

Blabbermouth looks like he's having a time. The wagon just keeps rolling by. Looks like something spooked the Oxen, because they're not slowing down for nothin'. Drippy comes telling Durk that they're passing Blabbermouth, like Durk doesn't know. But right now, Durk's got other stuff on his mind than some scaly tail frolicking with the gnolls or fleebags running around with their mouth diseases. When the Durk puts his mind to it, he's pretty sure crossbow bolts don't set gnolls on fire and oxen don't get spooked. Something unnatural is going on, and Durk's pretty sure it's gonna harsh the vibe of the trip if it goes unchecked.

Ask your tribal if he can contact the spirits or something to find out what's up with your bolts and oxen.

Yeah we might need to get some vision quests on to calm whatever evil spirits have cursed our trip. Or however that stuff works.

>he's pretty sure crossbow bolts don't set gnolls on fire
Well, unless you got a lucky shot right in the fuel he happened to be carrying. On his back. Under his shirt.

>oxen don't get spooked
Maybe the acupuncture is just working better than expected.

...it's probably Cheeda's fault. I bet he botched the luck ritual. You'll have to make him do it over, and right this time.

>>545234
We don't need no middlemen! We can contact the spirits ourselves. Got two of them floating right overhead.

...think someones been messing with the Durk's stuff?

Well if there's something behind this, you're going to need bait.

> Durk doesn't perform accidents.

> The Durk tries to acupuncture one of the gnolls. It catches on fire. Should've known Ox acupuncture wouldn't work on 'emd.

Well, something is clearly up here! Next chance you get, you'd better pull over and see which of these freaks is throwing off your game!

1/3 Durk 2013/10/29(Tue)21:03 No. 545887 ID: d38f67
File 138310581029.png - (81.88KB , 700x700 , 97.png )

>Well, unless you got a lucky shot right in the fuel he happened to be carrying. On his back. Under his shirt.
Gnolls are too dumb to wear ignitable fuel under their shirts.

The Durk has come to a conclusion to who's throwing off the Durk's game. He gives Lawra the wheels and moves back to confront the culprit.

2/3 Durk 2013/10/29(Tue)21:03 No. 545888 ID: d38f67
File 138310581843.png - (104.66KB , 700x700 , 98.png )

Bi is informed that his rituals are not doing their magic. Dom and Gil are told to keep dead spirits out of his way. Both say they aren't king of the dead.

Durk's got no time for this. Lawra just did a sharp right back into the gnoll camp. He's gonna have to take the reins back and do another one. Two rights make a bigger right, after all.

3/3 Durk 2013/10/29(Tue)21:03 No. 545889 ID: d38f67
File 138310583213.png - (224.87KB , 1000x700 , 99.png )

Current food for the trip went from TWO(2) days to LOTS(16) days worth for everyone. Durk's gonna assume someone besides Bi was responsible.

The Durk is pretty sure he heard a lot of angry gnolls on the way out, but the oxen know how to move faster. Faster for three days. No more gnolls bug the wagon.

Next stop: Female Trooper Tribe.

who out of your group of traveling companions would be able to throw of the duke's game? If we can figure that out the rest should solve it's self, with lots of punches, form the duke.

>Female Trooper Tribe.
Pff. The Durk knows how to handle females. And he knows how to fight troopers. Sex and/or violence. It's win/win. No worries. You got this down.

Food issues are annoying, but you can always just pull over for a second, head out into a field with that crossbow of yours, and mow down enough of the local wildlife to stock the larders no problem, right?

Durk 2013/11/10(Sun)12:00 No. 547373 ID: d38f67
File 138411362977.png - (122.74KB , 800x800 , 100.png )

>Who out of your group of traveling companions would be able to throw of the dukedurk's game?
Durk thinks about it for a few seconds before realizing that the fact that he's gotta think who's throwing off his game means that his game is thrown off. And he won't play that game.

>You can always just pull over for a second, head out into a field with that crossbow of yours, and mow down enough of the local wildlife to stock the larders no problem, right?
Provided there's wildlife. In the durk's experience, either there's too much or too little.

As for the female only tribe, the durk proceeds to do absolutely nothing about it. He'll play it by ear.

Next thing he knows, females everywhere of all sorts of species. Pretty sure some go right up to the back of his wagon and start looking inside. Durk doesn't like that, but the people in back can take care of them.

The gnoll girl that comes up to the durk claims that he passes. The Durk is pretty sure that he was just called a girl. Durk doesn't know if he's gonna let that pass.

It's an all-girl nation right? They probably just default to the wrong pronouns. Haven't you ever had one girl traveling with you and just called everyone "guys" or called everyone "filthy maggots" when one is actually a pretty solid dude?

>The Durk is pretty sure that he was just called a girl. Durk doesn't know if he's gonna let that pass.
Look down, and check to see if you have tits first. If you do, the gal's confusion is understandable. If you don't, well, she's an idiot. Who's spent so much time living with just women she doesn't know what a man looks like. Her loss.

Damn it Durk, you can't let that slide! You're so manly you're like, TWO girls, at least! And you'd better inform them of the fact!

>>547373
I actually the think the gnoll is so terrified of your toughness, rather than bringing on the conflict that would inevitably come when she fails you, she'd rather just call you a girl than bring on your wrath.

You're so manly these awesome amazons are terrified of calling you out.

You must be so appealing to the ladies that you confuse lesbians into thinking you must be a girl! That, or maybe you've been a girl this whole time and you've been confusing other ladies into thinking you must be a dude. Including yourself, somehow.

>>547373
Raise a stink about how easily you passed the inspection despite being so manly and awesome.

she looks scared, and probably doesn't want to make you made so is just saying what she needs to so you can pass. Smart girl

I mean you are not even wearing a shirt it should be obvious you are not a girl. Grab your manly pecs and say do these look like something a lady would have?

1/2 Durk 2013/11/10(Sun)18:30 No. 547488 ID: d38f67
File 138413701204.png - (109.94KB , 800x800 , 101.png )

>Look down, and check to see if you have tits first
The Durk looks down and confirms that he is in possession of TWO (2) man pecs.

The Durk assures the female that the Durk is man enough to make two females. The gnoll stares a stare that the Durk doesn't like much, like much about this event. She then asks if he's saying that he's actually a man.

The Durk says he is the manliest. He fluffs his TWO (2) manpecs to the gnoll. The gnoll laughs, saying that kobolds sure are cute. The Durk will spare her a terribly not cute demonstration and presume that she is a fool not worth the Durk's time. Especially since the wagon's rear has given the all clear.

2/2 Durk 2013/11/10(Sun)18:30 No. 547489 ID: d38f67
File 138413701894.png - (196.20KB , 800x800 , 102.png )

The girls escort the caravan to a Medium sized town. Options present themselves. The Durk can send anyone to do anything. There are seven (7) days left of food, and it is expected that the trip to the mermaid country will take 3 days.

a) Haggle and Barter for goods
b) Rest (input time)
c) Talk to Locals (input inquiry)
d) Other (input command)

Mermaids probably just eat fish flakes or brine shrimp or something gross. Better get some real food here. Maybe head into town and do some flexing too. Show all these ladies what a real man looks like, since they're so clearly confused.

>c) Talk to Locals
See what they know about mermaid territory. They like girls, and mermaids are girls, right? Be nice to find a path that isn't all water. Be also good to find a path where the right turns only doesn't put you in the drink. You have enough ghosts in this caravan, thank you very much.

>a) Haggle and Barter for goods
If most the guards aren't as dumb as that gnoll, and men arn't allowed in, that means there's trade goods here that are hard for guys to get to, normally. Might be good to trade for stuff. Especially that the dorfs might be interested in?

>b) Rest (input time)
Be nice to spend at least a day here. The sights are certainly nice.

>d) Other (input command)
The caravan in need of any repairs or tune ups? After all that game throwing offing and the busted steering...

A) get someone who is good with words to do this, or just do it yourself since then you know it will be done right.

B)should probably stay for a day, maybe two. just to get supplies and leave rested so we can keep traveling at grueling speeds without worrying about the crew complaining

C)Again get someone good with words or again do it yourself to make sure it's done right. Ask about any dangerous on the road ahead so you know what to get to beat it senselessly quicker to use as an example to others foolish enough to attack your caravan in the future.

D)keep an eye on the people in your caravan to see if someone really is messing with the Durk.

Hey, come to think of it, if there's a girls-only policy around here, obviously you're exempt because nobody's going to mess with you ever, but why isn't that talky lizard getting any flack? Secretly just a flat-chested chick this whole time? You should look into that! Maybe one of your acupuncture bolts could fix her up and she'd be all grateful for finally being able to fill out a dress, if you catch the drift.

1/2 Durk 2013/11/11(Mon)23:32 No. 547715 ID: d38f67
File 138424156589.png - (99.66KB , 800x800 , 103.png )

>The caravan in need of any repairs or tune ups?
Good idea, and good thing the Durk thought of it. Lawra's still the closest thing to a carpenter the wagon's got, and not a half bad one to boot. He has her make inspections and fix the recently discovered left turns impossible deal. In fact he tells Bi to inspect the oxen and make them turn left.

>Get someone who's good, or do it yourself to make sure it's done right.
After Lawra, that leaves.... Flava. Gnollflakes if any of those things involve fighting.

In the interest of upkeeping the tradition of extended stays in a high girl-guy ratio location, the Durk declares a rest time of One day. Everyone else can wander around and do whatever they do when not under the Durk's boot. The Durk keeps an eye on the wagon to see about his messed up game, but Lawra's actually a help, Butts McGee keeps to herself as she should, and Drippy is... well, the durk doesn't think that the gears upstairs are well oiled. Looks like they're just stuck, in fact.

Flava is sent to go haggle for whatever, the Durk doesn't care that much as long as this town proves more than just a booty call.

2/2\ Durk 2013/11/11(Mon)23:32 No. 547716 ID: d38f67
File 138424157507.png - (120.11KB , 800x800 , 104.png )

After the Durk considers the wagon's parking spot to be safe enough, he goes to talk to the locals.

The nearest local is asked about the mermaid territory. The Durk learns that there is not much land, and they won't be able to cross. Considering this place called the Durk a girl, he isn't gonna consider their opinion in high regard. Or even low regard. Other locals don't have much to say about it, cept they keep calling him miss or little girl. Durk would love to prove them wrong, but he's making sure his crew gets their days rest, and a day's rest and the durk's known manhood isn't coming as a package deal.

Some girl screams and points at the Durk, calling him a man. The manliest man to ever strut across the streets of the town. The boldest bold to blow into town.

It's about time.

Damn right you are!

Anyway, the whole mermaid thing might be a problem, but if there's one thing that goes without saying about caravans and wagons, it's that you can ALWAYS just caulk the wagons and float across.

So you just need to get some caulk. Ask around if anyone knows where to go when they need some caulk.

>>547716
Say it's about TIME someone noticed your manliness. What's wrong with everyone else?

"Blow it out your ass"

>the durk doesn't think that the gears upstairs are well oiled. Looks like they're just stuck, in fact.
That's the problem with gears made of slime! They just kind of goosh.

>>The manliest man to ever strut across the streets of the town.
>Damn right you are!
This, and pose.

This is about to lead to women throwing themselves at you, or women throwing themselves at you (in a more violent manner), and you're more than willing to give your manhood or crossbow a work out as needed.

good, they're learning

Durk 2013/11/12(Tue)19:32 No. 547834 ID: d38f67
File 138431357615.png - (139.09KB , 800x800 , 105.png )

Durk poses to drive home the fact.

Another girl comes up to declare the first girl a man, too. Which means a man clearly can include girls. Durk may have just been called a girl again. Or at least not a man in the right sense of the word.

The Durk instructs them to blow it out their ass. They get in a catfight, and the Durk moves on to more important things.

The next stop is the general store. Durk informs the clerk that he is in need of caulk, and a lot of it. The clerk tells Durk to be quiet, because that's not something they just put out on the front desks. She whispers to Durk that if he's in need of such a rare, sought after valuable, then he'll have to talk to her after hours on the down low. Which is pretty soon, as it turns out.

well does she have anything else we need here? like food. we could buy that now while we wait

I meant for wagons, not vaginas

>>547834
make sure clerk hasn't misheard you need a lot of something that sounds remarkably similar.

>>547834
I'm sure she completely understands what you mean. It must be rare and sought-after because the mermaid lakes are nearby. Obviously.

Stay here and chat her up a bit while you wait.

>She whispers to Durk that if he's in need of such a rare, sought after valuable, then he'll have to talk to her after hours on the down low.

Excellent! You see? Turn on the charm, show these ladies what a real man is like, and they give you the back stage pass to the black market. Bet you can get all kinds of crazy rare valuables on the cheap! Just stay cool, act like you know any crazy code words that may come up, and keep workin' the charm!

>>547839
This exact wording.

You have no need for cock. You can supply all you need. You need CAULK. Charlie alpha uniform lima kilo.

>>547839
>>547840
>>547847

Oh please. How could anyone make a mistake like that? Just look at all the stares you're getting from these girls. How could anyone think you were anything but 100% hetero?

>You have no need for cock. You can supply all you need.
...and if it's so rare and sought after in these parts, you're more than capable of supplying all she needs too.

(Yes I am saying we barter caulk for cock. It's perfect).

1/2 Durk 2013/11/14(Thu)20:34 No. 548182 ID: d38f67
File 138449009126.png - (163.28KB , 800x800 , 106.png )

Durk feels like he's been misunderstood. He explains that as he is going to the mermaid country, he will most likely be doing a lot of caulking, and wishes to prepare for it here.

The cyclops blinks, and explains that she get's the Durks "purchase order.". Durk adds that the caulking is going to be for his wagon. Cyclops pauses, and says that's fine, but it'll need an extra "donation" to the shop.

Durk haggles and chats to the girl to kill some time while she isn't, as she puts it, "gathering the products". He gets food and spare parts for the road ahead. Funny, he thinks, how much of the good stuff is on the bottom shelf.

The cyclops says that "window shopping" is fine, as "some goods" are untouchable. Clearly she is not speaking of the ones that the Durk is in contact with.

2/2 Durk 2013/11/14(Thu)20:35 No. 548183 ID: d38f67
File 138449010215.png - (185.91KB , 1000x800 , 107.png )

Once the shop closed, the cyclops takes Durk out back. She says that these are the willing participants to handle the caulk for the "wagon". Since this is obviously against "the land's idea of law", the girl's "headgear" will have to "shield their faces" to protect their "secret identities", if the Durk gets her drift.

Durk thinks that there is still a misunderstanding, somehow.

>>548183
Well, say... after this, you'd like to buy something to help your caravan float.

Obviously the correct course of action is to make them suffer the misunderstanding, not you.

Bring these dupes to the wagon and make them caulk it. At crossbow point, if need be. Even if when you get there, they turn out to be missing a key material.

Durk, I think now is the time to just spell it out.

C-A-U-L-K. Now then if these cocks could help you caulk the wagon, that would be special and you might be willing to give them a tip.

This girl has a weird speech impediment going on with all the random emphasis, but it seems like she's into you. Shame about the eyeball. How bad must her friends look to go covering their faces like that ya think?

Anyway, apparently you're skirting the law with this purchase so, may as well play it cool. Don't want them thinking you're some kind of undercover law enforcement. As long as you get all the caulk you need to float your wagons, and you aren't getting charged too much, you can deal with some eccentricity, right?

The proper response here is to bone all of them until they cant walk any more and go retrieve the Caulk yourself.

Obviously this is part of the price of the caulk. The poor things have gone without a man for so long the second you showed up they could not help themselves.

Durk 2013/11/17(Sun)14:20 No. 548744 ID: d38f67
File 138472685368.png - (191.93KB , 900x600 , 108.png )

It's gotta be spelled out for the cyclops, apparently. C-A-U-L-K, caulk. The cyclops laughs, and says that's not how you spell it. There's not even an L sound.

Durk puts his hand on his crossbow, about to give them a forcible tutorial on wagon caulking. Instead, he will assume that they are playing daft because it's been too long since they've had any. He says that he will give all what they need and will take the wagon caulk later.

The girls pull hand crossbows from their sleeves, exclaiming that the cyclops and Durk are under arrest for illicit actions. The Durk pulls out his crossbow the rest of the way. They tell him to put down his weapon.

Nope. Kill them both.

>>548744
Kill the one pointing a crossbow at you, the one threatening shopkeeper second. Doesn't really matter if she lives or not, other than making it slightly easier to find the caulk in her shop. If she does live, tell her that you require pitch. Tar. Resin. Any of several materials used to deal joints and seams in wood structures. You expect her to supply this, now for free.

Perhaps we should kill her anyway, for being a witness, for thinking that Durk's female, and for thinking that Durk wanted male whores.

Shoot them both in the crossbows, while making a terrible 'mine's bigger' joke.

>put down his weapon.
The Durk isn't even sure this is possible. He's been carrying a deadly weapon his entire life. Plus he is a deadly weapon, and that don't come off.

These ladies are obviously completely nutters from it being so long since they had any. The Durk will have to see about fixing this after he's destroyed their pesky peashooters.

Better idea. Just slowly, casually, disarm them both. I mean... they're blindfolded. They did not think this through.

Once you have the situation fully in hand, interrogate them on way the hell caulk is apparently illegal in this town anyway. It's incredibly useful for plugging all sorts of holes. Do they like leaks and drafts or something?

once they are down find the stuff yourself, since they are so obsessed with cocks they are hard of hearing.

>>548744
Shoot the gnoll, disarm her crossbow and shoot the goblin with it.

Annoying as they are there does seem to be alot of magic in the air today so killing them outright seems harsh. I would go with disarming them and tying them up somewhere.

Then try to explain the idea behind caulk to her one last time before you give up and go find it yourself.

>>548744
Leap at the one on the right and put the crossbow down on her head, hard.

I- wait, they don't even have sleeves, do they?

Guh. Well, time to get to kicking asses, I guess. Is crossbowhipping a thing? If it isn't, make it one.

>I- wait, they don't even have sleeves, do they?
...then obviously they couldn't have pulled crossbows from them, and should vanish in a poof of logic. (Or when Durk disbelieves the illusion, whatever).

Durk 2013/11/18(Mon)17:50 No. 548961 ID: d38f67
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The girls are informed that Durk's crossbow is bigger. He shoots the crossbow out of their hands with aim so legendary that the crossbow bolt comes in at an angle nowhere close to where the Durk was actually standing.

They reluctantly say that Durk is free to go, but the cyclops is still under arrest.

Upon being asked, they also say that the shopkeeper does have caulk in stock, and can take what he wants as long as he leaves the money on the counter to be confiscated.

What a bunch of weirdos. You could rescue the cyclops on your way out I guess. Might be grateful, want to join the crew. But then on the other hand she's pretty thick-headed and big enough she probably needs extra rations, and she really jerked you around needlessly here.

In any case, it seems you're finally free to make your purchase. Anything else you could stand to stock up on? Have enough crossbow bolts? Enough spare wheels and wagon tongues if you break something? Maybe a nice grandfather clock or twelve?

>but the cyclops is still under arrest
...for not selling what she doesn't have to someone who didn't want it setup as blatant entrapment by unarmed, faceless thugs without any badges?

You don't really see how that's going to hold up in any court.

>caulk for coins
Do that, keep your crossbow trained on the jokers as you do, until you've left the store.

If the cyclopes has any smarts, she'll run for it while they're help up at bowpoint.

We could... bring the Cyclops along?

How about you apply your masculine charms to these corrupt secret police to teach them a lesson about gender relations. They clearly need it.

The proper response is to bone the both of them so they are also now guilty of whatever it was they were muttering about.

Durk 2013/11/25(Mon)20:40 No. 549850 ID: 9cd8ad
File 138544085305.png - (147.64KB , 800x800 , 110.png )

>Bring the cyclops along
The Durk asks if the cyclops would like to join her. She says that given that she's a wanted criminal apparently, she may as well. Durk thinks she a few arrowheads short of a crossbow bolt, but will set her less stupid. The police decide they'll settle on her being exiled.

>How about you apply your masculine charms to these corrupt secret police to teach them a lesson about gender relations
Durk's masculine charm is a reward, not a punishment. And the police aren't gettin' a thing.

Cyclops says her name is something something she's Cyclops, and will let Durk take additional supplies from her shop, since she's abandoning it. Two(2) tongues, spare wheels, oxen and spare grandfather clocks are gathered, along with five(5) days of food and more caulk than Laura will know what to do with.

2/2 Durk 2013/11/25(Mon)20:41 No. 549851 ID: 9cd8ad
File 138544086965.png - (142.65KB , 800x800 , 111.png )

The town appears to be on fire. Not much foot traffic on the roads, but lots of commotion is coming on in the houses. Like a big, city wide raiding is taking place. Durk gets the oxen loaded up as the back crew gets the items loaded on.

May be as good a time as any to take any final actions and get out of here.

Are you forgetting the blabbermouth and the slime? ...do you even know where they are? Maybe we should hang around outside of town for a bit.

You could also take advantage of the 1 day rest stop you agreed upon. I'm sure there are places in the city that aren't on fire. Or maybe there's a nice spot near the city to relax?

Well, see if any oxen (or crew) could use an acupuncture pick-me-up, maybe go spin around a field and see if you can't find a aurochs or something to drop for a nice food bumper.

Otherwise, this seems to have been a pretty successful pit stop. Double check nobody looted the wagons while you were out (we all know the danger of thieves taking everyone's clothes), and maybe take a cruise through the city whistling and shouting for everyone to get on back so you can get going already.

Adios, caulk-blockers!

Now the cyclops will get as much as she can handle.

>any final actions
Fire one last desultory crossbow bolt over the town as you leave.

Durk 2013/12/08(Sun)12:39 No. 551178 ID: 9cd8ad
File 138653518553.png - (182.52KB , 800x800 , 112.png )

>A 1 day rest was guaranteed
And rest ain't gonna come from this place. Least not for everyone who doesn't go by the name Durk Nuuk'erm.

Using Durk Senses, Blabbermouth is located, and Durk delegates double checking all inventory and wagon health as the party progresses to pick up its loud cargo. No time for doors, as this wagon is done stopping in this town. Blabbermouth appears to be making love to the floor instead of the nude goblin chick chewing on some flowers nearby. And some other scaly thing clawing at the walls. Ain't the Durk's business what Blabbermouth does in the bedroom, but he ain't wanting to ask what happened here either.

Butts McGee butts in and starts goin' off on Blabbermouth, talking about embarrasing everyone and that we gotta get out of here. Durk doesn't like her attitude problem, but if it gets him off the ground any faster, then Durk's all for. Does not look like it's peeling him off the ground any faster though.

Do we have any large spatulas in the wagon? If he does not start moving soon you might have to peel him off the ground with one.

You ain't got time to wait for this puddle of slime-bold to pull himself together and get in the wagon. Grab an empty barrel from the back and scoop him up. Leave him in the barrel when you drop him the wagon so he doesn't ooze all over the everything and everyone.

Get cheddar and a spatula to deal with it.

Also, while you're at it, find a small packet in the goblin's stuff. Its contents are extremely valuable and it'd make for great treasure.

Oh just grab everything, toss it in the wagon, and go find the other missing freak.

if he's a slime or something just toss him into a jar and deal with it later.

1/3 Durk 2013/12/14(Sat)14:47 No. 551978 ID: 9cd8ad
File 138706124806.png - (89.42KB , 800x800 , 113.png )

Too much time's wasting, so the Durk delegates his task force with barrels and spatulas.

Durk's senses tingle, directing him to a small packet of something or another. Durk's not really sure what the purpose of that sense is, or what it does, but he pockets the stuff anyway. Might come in handy later.

In fact, just to be safe, he grabs everything. Including the other people in the room.

2/3 Durk 2013/12/14(Sat)14:48 No. 551979 ID: 9cd8ad
File 138706128032.png - (122.31KB , 800x800 , 114.png )

Next up, Drippy. She's slacking off. Which is what she's supposed to do on rest day. Good job to her.

Durk fires one last crossbow bolt over the town as goodbye and good riddance.

Still got the rest of the day to rest before going off to the mermaid country.

3/3 Durk 2013/12/14(Sat)14:48 No. 551980 ID: 9cd8ad
File 138706130970.png - (163.31KB , 800x800 , 115.png )

Durk's gotta start being more selective of who he takes on board. Wagon's getting full, and naming all these new people is a full time job.

>>551980
Naked, Skirt, and Boots.

>>551985
indeed, FOR NOW. if they do something awesome they can choose a new name.

...poor Quani just lost her drugs after all. And got kidnapped!

>names
Nekkid, Doof-face and Polifemus.

Also consider renaming Blabber Mouth as Ground Humper if changing someones name after you've already assigned them one isn't against the Durk Code or something.

Big Ears, One Eye and... where did that one in the middle even come from again? Let's go with scrawny.

hmm, seeing as how two of them seem to be friends with Blabbermouth we can probably just dump them off wherever we dump him off so overcrowding should be an issue for too long.

But yeah from left to right, Crack, Timid, and toga.

>>552051
>Crack, Timid, and toga
This makes me want to name these after people from animal house
Left to right
Otter, Pinto, and Bluto

Durk 2013/12/22(Sun)10:57 No. 553098 ID: 9cd8ad
File 138773863029.png - (123.46KB , 800x800 , 116.png )

>Name the cyclops Boots
Those ain't boots. THESE are boots.

>Also consider renaming Blabber Mouth as Ground Humper
Blabbermouth's gotta hump a lot more floors to catch up to his wordcount.

Naked
-Master Nudist

Skirt
-Adept lockpicker
-Novice fighter
-Dabbling liar

One-Eye
Accomplished Haggler
Accomplished Merchant

The day's rest is completed. The pace is set to GRUELING and the rations to BARE BONES.

Butts McGee has become sick. Dom, a normal diagnostician, diagnoses Butts McGee with a severe case of being a big baby. Lawra, as a dabbling diagnostician diagnoses Butts McGee with being a big baby. Butts McGee, a dabbling diagnostician, diagnoses Butts McGee with starvation and will die immediately if she does not get more food right now.

>>553098
Tell Butts she could stand to lose a bit of weight anyway.

Put her on a all salad diet until she thins down.

Put one of the newbies on finding a way to keep her not starving / not being a baby. And if she's not satisfied with their performance, she can eat 'em. Problem solved.

...out of curiosity, are those bare-bones rations scaled by race? Because I could see why a drake might make a baby-like fuss over being stuck on what's bare bones for a kobold.

OK, this is the craziest of crazy ideas, but legend has it, sometimes if you bring rations up to meager for a little bit, you stop getting all those reports about sickness. Sometimes you even get one saying someone is healthy, at which point you immediately slam'em back down to bare bones.

she doesn't look like she was starving to me, looked more pissed than anything last we saw her.

Durk 2013/12/23(Mon)12:47 No. 553285 ID: 9cd8ad
File 138783162731.png - (119.37KB , 900x600 , 117.png )

>Are the meals scaled by race?
Yes.
>Legend has it, sometimes if you bring rations up to meager for a little bit, you stop getting all those reports about sickness
Durk figures he'll take his changes with meaker. For a day or two. If Butts McGee complains after that, then someone's getting put on duty for thinning the winged lard. Probably Skirt once she stops tripping balls.

The wagon reaches Mermaid Country at dusk.

Will Durk...

A. Ford the country
B. Caulk the wagon and float
C. Ask for a native to safely cross

After all the effort it took to get it, you'd be crazy not to bust out the all-mighty caulk now!

D. Tie a rope to her and float butts out across the water as a test buoy.

Get a group started on Caulking the wagon while you track down a mermaid and ask for help.

well we fucking bought it might as well use it
B

caulk it.

>>553285
Voting for:
B. Caulk the wagon and float
and
C. Ask for Punch a native to safely cross

>>553517
>Punch a native to safely cross
Don't we already have a native? Bi?

Durk 2013/12/27(Fri)13:34 No. 553850 ID: 9cd8ad
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B. Caulk the wagon and float

The crew gets to caulking the wagon to the point that the wagon becomes more caulk than wagon.

The wagon sails smoothly up until it hits a shallow rock or something. The wagon becomes wobbling as something under the wagon pushes at it.

Also, the wagon appears to be leaking. The Durk personally supervised the caulking, so he knows there's no water getting in the wagon.

Could you send any of the useless freeloaders over the side to investigate or free the wagon? Lizards are aquatic, right?

Where are the oxen? Are they riding inside?

>more caulk then wagon
So we're ridding a caulk, then?

Maybe it was some sort of ferocious animal you bumped into that damaged your precious wagon. Jump into the river and show it who's boss.

That's probably just mermaids getting all uppity, but what's leaking out? Precious supplies of some kind? Booze? Whatever you soak your bolts in? Better find out and probably plug the leak.

Leaking? Find the source.

Better go see what the idiots in the back are up to before they sink us all.

1/2 Durk 2014/01/04(Sat)19:04 No. 555166 ID: 9cd8ad
File 138889104343.png - (162.56KB , 800x800 , 119.png )

>Where are the oxen? Are they riding inside?
They're pushing the cart underwater. Wagon's gotta move forward somehow, water or not.

>What's leaking out?
... tastes like chocolate water.

>Send a useless freeloader over to check
Time to see if they have what it takes to be promoted from a useless freeloader to a freeloader. Naked is tossed over the side to go check it out. Pretty sure she doesn't know she's in water. Pretty sure she's drowning, now. Skirt is tossed in to save her. She doesn't swim either.

Gnollflakes is sent in to save the useless freeloaders.

2/2 Durk 2014/01/04(Sat)19:04 No. 555167 ID: 9cd8ad
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Flava Flav takes a dive to see what's going on down there.

Mermaid got stuck in the wheels.

>They're pushing the cart underwater.
...did we take some kind of precaution to keep them from drowning?

>Mermaid got stuck in the wheels.
Can you poke her out of there or something?

Or better yet, install a (sea) cow pusher to keep any more of them from gumming up the works.

Well help the poor thing.

Get your cook to ladle up that chocolate. Toss your most competent wheelwright overboard to sort the wheel problem.

There's probably some lame fishing license you need to keep'em. Get it out and toss it back, you don't need to deal with more jerk cops, do you?

how the hell... eh, lets see if we can't push it out, if not it can just stay there till we get back to land as punishment for being so careless in the first place.

Durk 2014/01/08(Wed)20:42 No. 555998 ID: 9cd8ad
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Durk reminds Chedda to get some of that chocolate to make into a dessert for winners. Unlike the freeloaders.

Flava Flav comes back up to report that it was a mermaid down there. She isn't sure if she can legally catch a mermaid in mermaid country. She's pretty sure that needs a license in places where the main populace isn't the one being fished, but it didn't matter. Blabbermouth beat the shit out of that wheel.

Didn't think Blabbermouth was a go getter for that sort of thing, but now there's a broken wheel, and the wagon's gonna be stuck until there's a replacement.

Lawra says it's gonna be difficult to replace a wheel while underwater, and isn't sure if she can do it.

Biggie Smalls says that shouldn't matter, it's not like they're on land. Durk tells her to let the wagon crew do the thinking around here, because clearly the oxen can't push the wagon with a broken wheel. That's how it works.

>>555998
Is Naked dead yet? Maybe someone should fish her out of the water.

Also, become enlightened on how boats work.

>>556002
durk knows how boats work, but this a wagon, duh.

tell lawra to use a snorkle.

...but wait, we're caulked aren't we? Aren't wagon repairs typical done after the caulking is done? That's just how things work!

The wheel will have to wait, and the oxen will just have to suck it up.

nice to see blabbermouth actually show some backbone, now if we can get him to do it around things that can fight back and don't leave us stranded in the middle of nowhere.

Anyways how badly damaged is the wheel, can we maybe just peace it back together until we can make proper repairs.

>Durk tells her to let the wagon crew do the thinking around here, because clearly the oxen can't push the wagon with a broken wheel. That's how it works.
This is a long shot, but maybe you can get the oxen to pull the wagon until you get back on land.

>>556004

Darn right! Wagon can't move with only 3 wheels! Someone needs to go replace that one immediately. This is precisely why it's so important to stop in towns and get spares of these things. Next town you might need more sets of clothes too, they seem to be running low. And wagon tongues. You can never have too many wagon tongues.

If you shift all the cargo and passengers on one side of the wagon would it raise the other side out of the water?
Then Lawra could make the repairs in no time.

Forget the wheel; Lash an ox directly to the axle. Cut the middleman, so to speak. Just make sure it has a hose or snorkel or something to breathe through.

1/2 Durk 2014/01/09(Thu)20:06 No. 556268 ID: 9cd8ad
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Durk goes and attaches an ox directly to the wagon wheel. That wagon slot is now filled, and the oxen can still push the wagon. Or pull it. That apparently works. Good thing, too, because Lawra doesn't know how to craft a snorkel.

2/2 Durk 2014/01/09(Thu)20:07 No. 556269 ID: 9cd8ad
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With that done, Bi senses a terrible disturbance. Durk informs him that he has to talk in meaningful words if Bi is to continue living a life that does not involve minutely punches.

He claims that Blabbermouth was seen wearing an amulet of the chaos god, and that must have been what was throwing off the Durk's game. Bi recommends forgetting the mission and abandoning him here, as the job made no mention of such a being.

Amulets aren't beings. Amulets are amulets. They're equipment, that's why you can equip them, you can't equip people.

Tell Bi to stop being stupid and begin administering minutely punches until he obeys.

Bi are you suggesting that we pussy out because of some chaos god?
How do you know they had it to begin with, the most chaos happened in that lady country, so clearly one of the freeloaders must have brought it on.

That's called Detective work, Bi. Maybe you should start dabbling in it before you go around accusing people and looking like a Bi.
Besides Bi, if we go ahead and start discriminating customers because of their religious beliefs, well, that's just not kosher for a business Bi. Perhaps you should start dabbling in business law and ethics too.

what prof does he have, because blabbermouth is paying for this and has the chest to prove it it would be a good idea to make sure that our buyer is the thorn in our side before we toss him.

Abandon the mission? Does Bi think you're some sort of PUSSY? So far nothing has gone so wrong as to seriously hinder your progress.

How about a compromise. You take the amulet for yourself during the trip.

Ask why he seems to be under the impression the Durk is afraid of a god, chaos or otherwise.

Amulets aren't beings.

And if there's a god about, well, they're sort of everywhere. Throwing them overboard doesn't get rid of them, and it might get them to curse you or something.

...now, a valuable trade item on the other hand, that's something different.

The only sensible answer at this point is to give everyone a whack on the back of the head, shout at them to knock off the chicanery, and maybe reduce rations again.

1/2 Durk 2014/01/13(Mon)11:03 No. 557138 ID: 9cd8ad
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Durk informs Bi that that's detective work, and now that he's Dabbling (3/500) in Investigation, he's still awful, as he appears to have an inkling that Durk is afraid of some god. Especially since nothing has gone wrong yet.

In fact, Durk makes Bi go over to Blabbermouth to provide proof.

>"Do you not see?! There is no natural explanation for this!"

Durk isn't sure there's any explanation for this, natural or not, but it does earn Bi a punch. And a possible burning of this sector of the wagon and a gratuity fee for Blabbermouth. Nevertheless, the caravan doesn't discriminate against beliefs, as long as those beliefs don't get in Durk's way.

2/2 Durk 2014/01/13(Mon)11:03 No. 557141 ID: 9cd8ad
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Rations are returned to bare bones with a grueling pace if they weren't already. The mermaid country's citizens avoid Durk. Gnollflakes bets they have a super interesting underwater city that Durk has absolutely no interest in. Durk says she's right about at least one of those things.

The dwarven territory has no border guards, but Lawra says that the mountains surface is considered a border.

So Durk goes on what looks like a mountain door and knocks on it.

>"Who's knockin' at tha honorable mountain doors and whattaya want ya bleed nosed vermin?

Introduce yourself and your intentions for trade in the usual fashion.

Also don't look in the back of the wagon again any time soon, and remember to hose things off later.

Wait, weren't we supposed to fill up the slime with water? Or are we doubling back to do that later before crossing the desert?

we're here to trade

and if he tries to bloody your nose feel free to brake something on him

Wait, are we still using of one the oxen as a wagon wheel? Shouldn't we do something about that?

1/2 Durk 2014/01/16(Thu)18:59 No. 557975 ID: 9cd8ad
File 138992757550.png - (106.95KB , 800x800 , 126.png )

>Wait, are we still using of one the oxen as a wagon wheel? Shouldn't we do something about that?
No, all wagon parts and other water-based specialty setups were reset to land-based setups.

>Wait, weren't we supposed to fill up the slime with water?
Drippy didn't look like she was suitable for any sort of responsibilities back there, till those drugs wore off. There are plenty of rivers between the mountain ranges and the desert to fill Drippy up.

Too many rivers.

Durk informs the dwarf that he and his caravan is here to trade treasures and rare valuables for plain gold.

>"Gahaha, you 'bolds and your jokes. Keep rolling your wagon through, lest we decide to liberate your stolen transport and beasts of burden! We aren't interested in trading gold for your pebbles, sticks and -"

2/2 Durk 2014/01/16(Thu)18:59 No. 557977 ID: 9cd8ad
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Durk shows his jewels.

>"Welcome to the mountain home, friends! My name is Dasmank the Iron Axebearer! Please follow me to our renowned marketplace."

Currently, Durk's best negotiator is a Gil, followed by One Eye, followed by kobolds and goblins. The best prices will be found if Gil does the negotiations, however, according to the book of prejudices, dwarves hate kobolds and think ghosts are bad omens. Gil is both of these things.

He's not named blabbermouth for no reason, Maybe have him get into a debate with Gil, see who's the better negotiator that way.

Who's the second best? Send them in.

Well, either Gil or One-Eye I suppose. Mainly it comes down to how big the skill gap is between the two, and how dwarves feel about cyclopses, I suppose. If Gil's way way way better at negotiating, he should be able to compensate for any prejudice, right?

Or maybe send'em both all sneaky-like. Do the whole whispered suggestions from behind a rock thing.

>>557977
When did Gil get a race change? He's a kobold!

They don't like anyone in your party's race, except maybe the drake. Maybe they'll like the drake. Have Gil posess the drake or hide inside her mouth and then have here do the talking.

Wait, go to your GUI and check her skills to learn about her Master or Grandmaster or Journeyman Ilusionist skill, then have her make Gil into an attractive dwarf woman that's alive.

can they see gil? if not send both him and one-eye if so, just One-eye

...could you stick the ghost inside of someone else? A possession or something? Or just force someone like blabbermouth to listen to the ghost in his ear and do everything Gil says?

Maybe combined with that chaos magic stuff that totally isn't a problem even if it's there. Get the druggies to repay making a mess with work.

Durk 2014/01/21(Tue)23:40 No. 558984 ID: 9cd8ad
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>Check your GUI for Butts McGee's skills.
>Legendary Illusionist
Bingo. Gil will be neither a ghost nor a kobold as far as the dwarves are concerned.

It is expected that this will take awhile to get the greatest deals, and given it is half of the point of the mission, Durk is willing to spend an entire night to make sure it is done well.

Which gives him time to think of any other tasks that may need doing.

Is she really only a novice whiner? Could have fooled me.

Anyway yeah, ask Butts to do her to illusion in Gil's general direction. Ideally make him look like a living dwarf. Maybe a super hot one with a beard so long it drags along on the floor, or something.

Then when she starts whining and refusing to pull her weight, go order Blabbermouth to smooth talk her into doing it. Seems to be the one thing he's actually halfway good at.

You could see about getting more wagon parts to replace the ones that broke. Also maybe see if they have a better crossbow than the one you're using.

>>558988
Skilled whiners get the job done.

through other people of course.

satiate any curiosities involving female dorfs and/or beards.

well if she can cast a spell to let gil trade with the dwarfs then she might actually earn her bare minimum meal for once.

Hmm. Do we need any new supplies or wagon parts? We did use up a wheel and an awful lot of caulk. Plus we now have more loafers to support than we started with.

A dorf town might also be a good place to have a drink or two. Or a nice relaxing bar fight.

Durk 2014/01/29(Wed)20:04 No. 560048 ID: d470e9
File 139105465014.png - (122.86KB , 800x800 , 129.png )

>Is she really only a novice whiner?
Quantity over quality is her direction.

>Satiate any curiosities involving female dorfs and/or beards.
Durk has none. Not anymore.

Instead, Durk will go haggle for wagon parts and other things that may or may not be missing. The shopkeeps give Durk an awful lot of attention. It'd be good service, if that attention wasn't given by stinkeyes and frowns.

Deals are made to replace all parts back to all levels.

A LONE DWARF comes to speak to Durk. Durk suspects that this dwarf's occupation is HOBO.

>"'Lo, foul kobold! You have yourself an adequate GIGANTIC WAGON, but its craftsmanship is of the lowest quality! How'd ya like to upgrade it to a real luxury house on wheels? Only for the low low cost of 20,000 gold piece, I'll double the size of your wagon, and it'll stay the same weight!"

That cost does not sound very low, I think he's trying to rip you off.

Ask if he's got any proof he can do what he claims to be able to do.

since when the hell have we need luxury? It would only serve to make the crew even softer then they are.

only if it comes with a giant spiked bumper on the front and a badass custom paintjob announcing Durk's glorious presence.

...wait, if it's already bigger on the inside, what does doubling the outside of the wagon do for you?

Who built your ride, originally, anyways? Dwarves are known for their stoneworking anyways, not wagonworking.

Express your skepticism, and see if he offers up anything to back up his claims.

Punch it in the snout to establish dominance.

No, more room would only encourage more people to join and take up the empty space and we hear enough whining as it is without doubling our workforce.

>>560048
decline, it makes me nervous that its 2x the size but the same weight...

Durk 2014/02/09(Sun)13:18 No. 561651 ID: d470e9
File 139198073339.png - (138.65KB , 800x800 , 130.png )

Durk says No.
>"Eh? Why not?! Ye'll never get another chance in your short lifetime.
Durk leaves the marketplace.

It looks like Gil's got a big sack of gold, which implies that he's done. Durk has enough spare parts and supplies to last through ten storms and rivers, along with bringing up the oxen count to SIX to pull the ludicrous amount of weight that the wagon has attained.

Gnollflakes says that Muo is getting water to prepare for the desert, and everything else is ready per protocol, assuming that Durk wasn't to do any last actions before resting for the night.

Which is a poor assumption.

Durk may take one action while the rest of the crew guards the gold.
A) Participate in nightly drinking contests and probably get accused of cheating and get in a barfight
B) Gamble and probably get accused of cheating and get in a barfight
C) Admit Gnollflakes made a correct assumption after all, do nothing, and then probably get in a barfight somehow anyway

combine a and b through some sort of inventive drinking games because you're in a city of the most booze- and gold-loving race ever. except dragons.

speaking of which, I wish we had a dragon instead of oxen.

I say all three

If that doesn't work see if you can't work A and B into one event

I say skip the middle man and go get into a bar fight that gets you accused of starting a bar fight that then gets all the bars fighting.

Combine a and b, obviously. A drinking / gambling / bar-fight contest.

...and punch Gil in the illusionary dwarf-titties.

Isn't there some thing with dwarven beer where just drinking it in and of itself is a test of manly fortitude? You clearly have nothing to prove to anyone on that front, so, might as well do some gambling while you're drinking to keep it interesting.

1/2 Durk 2014/02/10(Mon)21:29 No. 561986 ID: d470e9
File 139209657340.png - (82.83KB , 800x800 , 131.png )

>I wish we had a dragon instead of oxen.
That's on the to-do list. Only dragons that Durk has found have been as whiny and ill tempered as Butts McGee.

>and punch Gil in the illusionary dwarf-titties.
Durk has higher standards than illusions.

Durk goes to the bar, inviting their best to match him in a battle of booze. The dwarves laugh him off, saying it's an insult just to put a 'bold and a dwarf on the same table for that.

So Durk downs a few pints to begin with and bets a thousand gold he can beat their best.

>"E's a STINK!" one yells, to which Durk will assume is calling him a cheater.

That went faster than the Durk anticipated. Too bad dwarves manage to be both uptight and drunk. The Mountainhomes will be deemed a disappointment.

2/2 Durk 2014/02/10(Mon)21:30 No. 561989 ID: d470e9
File 139209661703.png - (48.59KB , 800x800 , 132.png )

The caravan successfully escapes the dwarven mob, and moves down the other side of the mountain to the desert.

The trip should take 4 days. Drippy has enough for 6 days. At high noon on the first day, Durk encounters a wagon standing still. The party of desert kobolds say their axel broke, and they are running out of water. They do have gold though, if Durk is willing to spend a few hours repairing their wagon.

Durk checks the GUI.

Drippy is the lead merchant, carpenter and water holder. Pretty sure that's not what it was yesterday, but the GUI seems sure that's the case.

>>561989
Well if she's the carpenter have her do carpenting.

Give the GUI a few smacks to see if that fixes it. Maybe it doesn't work so well in the desert?

In any event, you can't let your chief water holder out of the wagon. She'll evaporate. And water barrels aren't supposed to move. You'll have to use a lesser carpenter. No way around it.

Take the gold offered, and set Lawra on fixing their wagon.

Neat. Have any of the other freeloaders learned some useful skills? Go ahead and send her over. Free cash events are always handy.

what's pulling their cart? is it something better than oxen? is it chocobos? because then the price of repairing is the trading of them for our oxen.

Did absorbing all that water level her up? That's probably not how slimes work but it's either that or the GUI is broken.

I don't think slimes are all that resistant to drying out so we should keep her in the shade so our water supply doesn't start evaporating out of her, just go with our second best merchant and carpenter, whoever they are.

It's gotta be all that water leveling her up. That's the only sane explanation.

So send her out but get one of those loafers to hold up a parasol or something to keep the sun off her.

Durk 2014/02/24(Mon)19:59 No. 564232 ID: d470e9
File 139330077159.png - (91.88KB , 800x800 , 133.png )

>It's gotta be all that water leveling her up.
Yeah, that makes sense. Drippy is sent over. The GUI never fails, and Durk makes a pretty penny and a lizard something-or-another that can help the oxen out. The pace continues on.

The new steed helps keep things moving better than expected. May even be able to sell off some water at the next desert town, judging by their new rate.

>Give the GUI a few smacks
A good smack seems to fix it. Actually, no. Durk doesn't remember Bi being the best fighter in the party. Or the best nearly everything. Pretty sure the GUI's never been more wrong, so Durk keeps smacking it until those skills go to people who can put them to better use.

Pretty sure it's fucked. Little late to worry about it, they're at the gate to the next town, which is only a short ways from the edge of the desert, where the destination lies. Some short not-kobold is guarding the front.

>"Greetings and welcome. You can come and go, but this place is of peace and commerce. Do not start any commotion, and you will be welcome, however, you must first give us a token of goodwill to enter this place."

Ask them if they need any work done and then have whoever is good at that go fix things.

Durk you should look at what else in the GUI might be fucked.
Is your name even Durk anymore? Does anyone have -HP? Is anyone sick with anything ridiculous? How about your races?
More importantly what are the Pace and Food settings set at?

Is this not-kobold a woman? Check who's the best rester among the men for a moment. Or poet. We might be able to get off without giving away anything valuable if we have someone with a good schmooze skill and artistic skill (art may or may not include resting, I don't know check the manual, that's paper, it shouldn't be fucked up and have accurate accounts of which skills are classified as what type, if types hardcoded into the skills they should still match with the skills, maybe, I don't know maybe your smacking gave somebody good GUI programming skill or good IT skill, if not, keep hitting the damn thing until it does).

Look at the GUI, and pick who would be good to make a gesture of goodwill.

Show that GUI who's the real king of the caravan and use it to make a profit! Smack that GUI up till you've got a super-loafer with all the terrible skills and then give them to the not-kobold.

flex your biceps and wink. in that isn't enough of a gesture for 'em, they don't deserve the courtesy of a gesture.

Hey, here's a simple way to test what's up with the GUI. Pick some obviously observable skill like, oh, lifting. Poke your head around back, order everyone to lift up the heaviest thing around (probably Butts McGee), see if their observed ability matches what the GUI says. If it does, hey, don't question it, order the best negotiator to go start trading. If it doesn't, smack the GUI until it matches up, then do so.

Give 'em Bi.

Durk 2014/03/16(Sun)11:37 No. 566570 ID: d470e9
File 139499503612.png - (55.18KB , 685x685 , 134.png )

>Test the gui to see if it is real
Drippy did well, and that's good enough for Durk, regardless of who was better at what at whatever other point in time.

Durk shakes up that GUI to rearrange everything right up until someone's absolutely worthless.

That person is Bi.

Durk gives Bi as a token of good gesture, along with a flexing of the biceps for good measure. That satisfies the guard, and the caravan is allowed in.

There are a few points of interest.

A) Supply Store
B) Bar and Casino
C) Marketplace
D) Chief's Tent
E) Inn

>More importantly what are the Pace and Food settings set at?
Grueling and bare bones.

>Is your name even Durk anymore? Does anyone have -HP? Is anyone sick with anything ridiculous? How about your races?
Everything seems in order. Durk gets Dom to diagnose everyone just to be safe.

He claims that Blabbermouth has a case of the kleptomania. It is highly contagious, but it can't be caught by simply being around blabbermouth.

Durk says to spit out some useful information and say how it's contagious, then.

Dom says it spreads to the person who tells him he has kleptomania.

alright check supplies and see what we need, go to the supple store/marketplace and get that out of the way. Then unless something comes up to the casino.

Hmm. Tell him to stay out of the shops, but not why. Or conversely if you want the favor of the Chaos God, you could tell him to go on a shopping trip. Then when he gets accused of kleptomania, it'll spread.

>Dom says it spreads to the person who tells him he has kleptomania.
Instruct Dom to go find some worthless idiot in the town and trick them into telling Blabbermouth he has it. That way we get rid of it.

>>566570
You already own everything in the caravan, and the world
You may as well catch it

>>566587
Wouldn't that just spread the disease, not cure blabbermouth?

>>566592

a most excellent point. besides, you have too much grit flowing through you to be infected with such a trivial little thing.

of course, Dom is probably wrong anyways. either way, go to the supply store.

Durk 2014/03/16(Sun)16:25 No. 566634 ID: d470e9
File 139501231241.png - (80.85KB , 800x800 , 135.png )

Durk can already take what he wants from this hole in the ground, he doesn't care if Blabbermouth starts stealing stuff.

Then again, Durk does run a business, and it's good business practice to not get ran out of every town he went to. Durk goes to tell Blabbermouth to stay out of any shops. When inquired as to why, Durk says he's got kleptomania, and adds not to argue that he doesn't, because Durk doesn't want to hear it.

>Check supplies and see what we need
This trip has been especially easy, and with the last acquirements, the wagon is well fed and well stocked.

Durk does stop by there anyway to purchase another lizard beast of burden. Keeps the safety in numbers up, and keeps the dual symmetry running.

A short rest can be made while Durk spends some time at the casino to wipe everyone clean with or without kleptomania, but has to decide whether the trip will continue after a brief rest, or a night's rest.

Night rest. The casino will be way more interesting at night.

night rest, more people gamble when the suns down so you can win more money that way. But we'll leave at the crack of dawn so not to wast any time.

Anyone able to divine the weather?

Durk 2014/03/30(Sun)18:18 No. 568095 ID: d470e9
File 139622868064.png - (156.63KB , 800x800 , 136.png )

>Anyone able to divine the weather?
Used to be Bi. In fact, pretty sure Bi could still do that, but that skill ain't exactly reliable, so it didn't count. Durk doesn't need any divining.

The caravan takes a night rest, and the casino's busy. Durk takes a seat with 3 others for some poker.

Every motherfucker at this table has got literal aces up their sleeves.

>Every motherfucker at this table has got literal aces up their sleeves.
...but you don't have sleeves. Durk, you're the only one here not cheating.

Obviously, the only reasonable thing to do is out-cheat them all, win everything, and then beat their sorry asses for trying to cheat you.

And accuse them of being no good cheating kleptomaniacs on the way out.

>>568095
Hey Dirk,

Check the GUI. I want to see if it changed to a Poker menu or not.

>>568095
Obviously the smart thing to do here is to play conservatively and never show any aces. If you are ever dealt one, discard it. Fold if your final hand has an ace in it. Eventually there will be too many aces visible or more than one ace of the same suit visible, but nobody will be able to blame you.

Then while they're fighting, make off with the chips.

1/5 Durk 2014/03/30(Sun)19:38 No. 568118 ID: d470e9
File 139623352551.png - (66.12KB , 800x800 , 137.png )

>Eventually there will be too many aces visible or more than one ace of the same suit visible, but nobody will be able to blame you. Make them pThen while they're fighting, make off with the chips.
That's for chumps with immune systems that can't handle a little kleptomania disease. Durk's gonna beat 'em at their own game.

>Outcheat the table

2/5 Durk 2014/03/30(Sun)19:38 No. 568119 ID: d470e9
File 139623353746.gif - (61.83KB , 800x600 , 138.gif )

The round continues up to the gnoll.

>"Call! That's it, mates, let's see the hands!"

>Animated

3/5 Durk 2014/03/30(Sun)19:39 No. 568120 ID: d470e9
File 139623355482.png - (80.28KB , 800x800 , 139.png )

They aren't sure if Durk is serious.

4/5 Durk 2014/03/30(Sun)19:39 No. 568121 ID: d470e9
File 139623356906.png - (104.29KB , 800x800 , 140.png )

Durk is serious.

5/5 Durk 2014/03/30(Sun)19:39 No. 568122 ID: d470e9
File 139623357707.png - (16.99KB , 800x800 , 141.png )

And gone.

steal the aces right out of their sleeves. It's the perfect crime because the victims will never be able to admit it was ever committed.

>>568122
Fucking fantastic. durk once again you prove to be the best ever. Use your winnings to buy clocks and alcohol.

bitchin, now to buy things... But what is there to buy in this town?

>Played 5 aces at once
>using a completely made up fifth suit
That takes an amazingly impressive amount of balls. Durk, I don't know how you walk without those things getting in your way.

>And then Durk is gone
Okay, that was mega-cool. But... you skipped the fight! The fight was important.

Obviously you need to reappear and attack them from behind before they recover from their shock, and beat them into submission.

hand in the chips, then steal them back and hand them in again.

Eh, be classy. Take your winnings and reinvest them in the economy, buying all the cheap trade goods you can manage.

Durk 2014/04/05(Sat)12:55 No. 569295 ID: d470e9
File 139672771709.png - (110.20KB , 800x800 , 142.png )

>hand in the chips, then steal them back and hand them in again.
Durk only cheats the cheaters, he isn't some common thief.

>But what is there to buy in this town?
Durk adds a couple of grandfather clocks, and hires some carpenters or clocksmiths or whoever works on this stuff to repair and maintain the current clocks.

The alcohol levels are brought up to full, and Durk can not think of anything else the wagon requires or wants, other than keeping a good amount of backgold for when things run dry.

>Reinvest them in the economy
By this, Durk assumes the economy that is Durk and his caravan. All money has now been invested in said economy.

The rest time continues.

Admire the nighttime grandfather clock chorus. Man, it's good to be caravan king.

Who's the goblin you hooked up with there? Lawra? A confusingly dressed Naked? One of these new clocksmiths? Might be time to take another head count. Make sure everyone is properly named and you don't have any stowaways hoping to mooch those sweet sweet barebones rations. Besides all the officially registered freeloaders that is.

1/3 Durk 2014/04/15(Tue)18:36 No. 570930 ID: d470e9
File 139761219924.png - (119.83KB , 800x800 , 143.png )

>Who's the goblin you hooked up with there?
She's Naked, except not naked. She gets a pass, since she's cozying up to Durk nicely. Except that should be done naked. Man, that is confusing. Durk strips the issue away.

>Make sure everyone is properly named and you don't have any stowaways hoping to mooch those sweet sweet barebones rations.
Well damn all, Bi's back. Guess they didn't want him. Durk can tell, because he's got a basic grasp of the written language down pat. It's just as well, the GUI's back in order, so Bi's got a couple skills left, plus the couple useless ones.

Everyone else except Blabbermouth and Drippy are back.

>Admire the nighttime grandfather clock chorus.
Durk would love to, cept it's not nighttime, and Durk hears the sounds that say he should start packing up and getting out of town. He can admire them tonight after he drops Blabbermouth and Drippy off, cause it's not far now.

2/3 Durk 2014/04/15(Tue)18:36 No. 570931 ID: d470e9
File 139761221057.png - (138.48KB , 800x800 , 144.png )

Speaking of those two, they're finally back.

Durk confirms they're good to go. They're in one piece. Which is fine. He made no promises that he wouldn't deliver them in two pieces.

3/3 Durk 2014/04/15(Tue)18:37 No. 570933 ID: d470e9
File 139761222275.png - (81.13KB , 800x800 , 145.png )

It's a short trip to the last home stretch. Drippy's cave is at the bottom of this dune. And it's a steep one. The tiniest mistep, the tiniest slip of the wagon wheels, and the cart will go careening down the slope. Also, it drops right into a deep, wide river. There's a reason why this is the road virtually never travelled.

The road that is travelled is right around the corner and would take another two days of which there is are no steep slopes, and also a bridge.

eh nothing ventured nothing gained, lets try it.

Okay, the plan is, we make a ramp, then careen down there and just before we hit the river someone throws the ramp in front so we jump over the river. If we have magical hydraulics that's even better.

The cave is on the other side of the river, right? Please say it is.

good thing you are the BEST. have someone install wheel spikes for traction and sharpen the oxen's hooves.

Ramp it and do like 14 flips, it'll be fine.

...are we actually under contract to get the caravan to Drippy's cave, or just to get Drippy home? Because, if it's the latter, you don't even need to head down. You could just ball Drippy up and toss her down the hill. Go bowling for cave denizens.

Well, it looks like everything else worked out pretty well, and hey, a sheer slide leading down to a river still counts as a river crossing in my book. Caulk the wagon back up and float across. Might need to caulk the oxen too so they don't hurt themselves sliding down to it.

this is why we need dragons.

get in front of the cart and prevent it from speeding out of control by holding it behind you with one hand as you descend. it's a bother, sure, but if you don't take the shortcut or break the caravan and have to stop for repairs, that's that much more time you gotta suffer these cockwombles.

Maaaybe we should take the bridge, if only because things have been crazier than normal what with how the towns have all pretty much been getting mad at us on the way out somehow.

1/7 Durk 2014/04/20(Sun)18:10 No. 571736 ID: d470e9
File 139804264070.png - (87.59KB , 800x800 , 146.png )

>Make a ramp
Lawra will get on that. She'd better hurry, cause Durk's going to start going down.

>Is the cave on the other side of the river?
Yes it is.

Durk has the animals make the first move downward. He's too good to do things like add wheel spikes.

The wheel immediately slips.

2/7 Durk 2014/04/20(Sun)18:10 No. 571737 ID: d470e9
File 139804265169.png - (154.88KB , 800x800 , 147.png )

Like Durk gives a fuck. It just means more speed for the ramp. In fact, he pulls the animals back into inventory and drives himself. Durk can steer a wagon. With loose reins.

3/7 Durk 2014/04/20(Sun)18:11 No. 571738 ID: d470e9
File 139804266122.png - (223.94KB , 800x800 , 148.png )

The wagon reaches the bottom in no time, and Durk shoves the ramp out in front of the river. The wagon launches off of it to go over the river.

Durk holds back to start doing 14 flips. He stops at 3 because that font is way too girly to continue.

4/7 Durk 2014/04/20(Sun)18:11 No. 571739 ID: d470e9
File 139804267058.png - (124.65KB , 800x800 , 149.png )

>"We're not gonna make it!"

Durk informs that Naked is not going to get herself any new set of clothes with that attitude.

>"Actually, we're fine." Drippy says in the back. Durk isn't even a little disappointed that the only other person worthy of clothes prefers nudity.

5/7 Durk 2014/04/20(Sun)18:11 No. 571741 ID: d470e9
File 139804268713.png - (121.00KB , 800x800 , 150.png )

Something under the wagon bursts apart, and a bunch of winged whatevers start carrying the wagon the rest of the way.

6/7 Durk 2014/04/20(Sun)18:11 No. 571742 ID: d470e9
File 139804269568.png - (146.08KB , 800x800 , 151.png )

Durk steers the wagon to lead them right into the cave before they disperse.

7/7 Durk 2014/04/20(Sun)18:11 No. 571744 ID: d470e9
File 139804270234.png - (99.39KB , 800x800 , 152.png )

The landing is perfect.

Getting Drippy Home - Mission Complete.

Excellent. Collect mission complete reward, and sign your name to the top of the high scores list for this route. Because obviously you did this better than anyone else ever has or could have.

The Oremor Trail - Part 2 END Durk 2014/04/20(Sun)20:51 No. 571773 ID: d470e9
File 139805231760.png - (73.60KB , 800x800 , 153.png )

Durk collects payment for transporting Drippy, and agrees to a request to stay the night. Lawra says all the grandfather clocks were broken or damaged anyway, so that'll have to be dealt with.

Turns out that was a complete waste of time, because Blabbermouth got his own way back. He collects a cancelled-trip fee and calls it a mission.

Durk will now put his name at the top of the high score for this route. The other schmucks weren't even close.