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Floating Flyer
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>anger, bargaining, blame
It's not wrong to feel that way.
>How could she make me if she knew she would leave me?
Nearly every parent expects to leave their child behind one day, unless the worst happens and their children die first. Creating life despite the certainty of death... that's a kind of hope, or faith. It's what keeps life going.
>How could She ever kiss him with Her death in his eyes?
That's... complicated, and hard to say. Did she fall in love before she knew what he would do, or after? When did she know? ...and even if we assume she didn't know to start, they were always enemies, generals on opposite sides of a nearly incomprehensible war. It was something powerful that overcame that.
Much of it depends on what she was really trying to do, and the answers to the questions I brought up before. Was she driven by love, and willing to accept what happiness she could have while she could, despite how things would end? Did she do it for her children, thinking it was worth it to bring you into the world? Was it for a duty; all a grand sacrificial play, allowing herself to be seduced and slain by the enemy for a later victory we as of yet do not understand? Was it for a peace- was her death, this renewal, a fundamental change in reality, the alternative to an endless war she saw for her family? Some combination of these, or factors we haven't considered?
It's entirely too complicated, and depends on information we do not have. Earlier, we considered that you would one day have to understand your father to understand what would be just. Apparently, you will need to understand your mother as well. I'm not sure what avenues will lead us there, but I suspect when you are grown, and we are involved in this investigation in earnest, that you will need to approach the celestial. Find those who knew her as we did not.
...I know one story, of a village where people knew their deaths. Their deaths were people- they grew with them, and spent their lives beside them. They didn't fear death, for their deaths were familiar, old friends. It's a strange idea, but there can be a comfort in that certainty, I suppose. If one accepts that, love in a similar circumstances doesn't feel so impossible.
Love isn't very reasonable, anyways. You feel how you feel, regardless of the sense of it.
>Didn't she care about me?
I think you know the answer to that, already. She didn't fake the love you saw, or felt.
>Or was I just a mistake, a .. a trial run.
I very much doubt that.
>She told Mother McCormick about Ms. Senko, she put her picture in the holy of holies, but didn't tell her about me?
My guess was she told her- that she left that image in that secret room- for you to find. If she knew what was to happen, she knew where you would end up. That there was a good chance you'd see this place out. It's a message- for you.
The real question is what it's meant to say. Obviously, for the moment, it's given us a good deal more questions than answers. But they are questions you would have never thought to ask, otherwise. I think it's meant to help you.
>what do
If you're up to it, and since the cat is out of the bag anyways, now might be the time to ask about how the temple deals with mourning or grief. Or to come back to the problem of yourself- and your uncertainty of your role- how to be what you are, or what you're supposed to be, now.
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