why the fuck should you be a baron? if anyone, Ishould be a baron!

WE ARE ALL BARONS NOW!
Ahem. Getting pissdrunk sounds like a fine plan. If you're really in a dwarven... anything really, there should be one or more rooms filled to the brim with insanely expensive alcohol.

>>346538
>can't deal with this sober.

I like you already Harold.

>>346538

Oh excellent! A well doing fine quest now I can rest my drawfag hand. I like you too Harold. Guys, what's the fastest way to barony?

Harold, beware. By breaking that vase you have entered into a contract. You'll become fairly powerful or wealthy, whether in love or money, while the rest of the world comes crashing down in flames.

You just couldn't leave the vase alone, could ya?

Harold James 2011/09/08(Thu)21:21 No. 346751 ID: 801747
File 131554211741.jpg - (56.50KB , 760x640 , image.jpg )

What, for booze? Gems, right, not my usual gig but they work just fine. That's the most reasonable thing you've said yet.

Sadly, dwarven ale, while legendary for both its flavor and raw power, is not known for aging gracefully. Hundred-year wines are fine, not thousand-year beers. Speaking of wine, though...

Harold takes a swig from his flask.

And why should I be a baron? My father both was a baron and is dead, and I'm an only child. Inherited titles are usually pretty simple.

As to becoming a baron, even if it doesn't happen the usual way... like it didn't in my case... the process is relatively simple. Some higher noble decides you're a baron. The trick is just convincing someone that's worthwhile.

I still want to know why you broke our damned vase.

>>346751
Why didn't you inherit the title? Were you missing and presumed dead at the time?

Harold James 2011/09/08(Thu)22:44 No. 346763 ID: 801747
File 131554704347.jpg - (67.68KB , 616x784 , image.jpg )

It's not like that was intentional; I don't make a habit of destroying potentially valuable merchandise. Like one of you said, dwarves are really fond of traps. I had just finished checking the room for any wayward machines of death, but apparently I missed a cracked floor tile.

Harold pauses to let out a long sigh.

...Not one of my finest moments.

Harold James 2011/09/08(Thu)22:50 No. 346764 ID: 801747
File 131554743009.jpg - (78.18KB , 616x784 , image.jpg )

On the subject of the title, some strange man showed up out of the blue and challenged my father to a duel with the title and land at stake. He accepted, god knows why, and lost. The man sold off the land and disappeared within the month.

I wasn't missing, but I was away at the time and didn't hear it all until I got back. But yeah, these things sometimes happen with duels. Not often, not usually so suddenly and not usually so mysteriously, but they do happen.

ouch, that's one hell of a bad break. well we will do what we can to help you get a noble title. oh I should probably explain what we do. mostly what we do is give advice, we are not that smart individually but there are alot of us and due to a rather strange relationship with time we may have hours or days to make decisions you have only seconds or minutes to make. we also have a strange field of view so we might be able to notice someone sneaking up behind you. we also have access to a large but inconstant knowledge base. for example we know very little if anything about magic or your worlds history. But we could with time and effort help you build say, a mundane flying machine or a powerful explosive.

Can you still stab someone for us?
It's just, after being stuck in a jar with no sensory input whatsoever for thousands of years I can't even remember the last time We saw blood.

oh forgot to mention, some of us are crazy. just in case you hadn't noticed already.

Harold James 2011/09/09(Fri)00:15 No. 346785 ID: 801747
File 131555255674.jpg - (87.74KB , 616x784 , image.jpg )

Personally, I like to avoid stabbing people when possible, though there are times when it's unavoidable. My weapon of choice is useful for all kinds of other things, plus it looks really intimidating.

Now excuse me a moment...

"Hrnnng!"

Anyway, that actually sounds quite useful, if somewhat distracting... but a few of you keep talking about contracts, reigns of blood, the world ending in flames... That sounds pretty terrible and I hope those are the crazy ones. If not, is that set in stone or can we avoid that somehow? Because either way it sounds like we'll be stuck together for a while, and I'd rather not profit too much at the expense of others.

I'm okay with some of that, though. That is sort of my gig. I'd tell you not to mention that, but... ok, I guess I am assuming you're telling the truth now.

Sorry for showing up late tonight, guys. Aimed for 7:00, hit more like 9:00. And once again, work tomorrow. We'll definitely be back next Wednesday night, but if we're lucky we'll be able to pop in sooner than that.

B-but
I want my reign of blooooooood :<

So, you just kind of blocked off the way to the entrance, there. Good job.

The fact We are here means something big is gonna happen soon, what it is We don't know yet, sorry.

mostly they are trying to be funny. though us turning up is something of an ill omen. i give about fifty fifty odds of some world shaking event either occurring or needing to be stopped within the next year or so. but we'll cross that bridge if we come to it. for now could you give us a run down of what your capabilities and some basic information about your world. basic benchmark questions are is there magic?, if so how common is it?, what are the common weapons of war?, what do people use for long distance travel and communication?.

I have some questions too!
What are your sexual preferences?
Whats your favourite type of clothing?
Do you have any pets?
Would you try on female clothing if urged by old perverted head voices?
What is your middle name
Where did you get such an awesome hat?
Can we visit a brothel?
What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

>>346785
Wait. That's your weapon? What IS it?

Oh god tell me you have another spare hat. With some of the more...hot-headed of us here, that one ain't lasting much.

>>346785
Let me give you the run down, because this isn't the first time this has happened.
1. Someone finds us.
2. We wake up and become attached to them.
3. We help the host get money/power/laid.
4. Really bad/weird shit starts happening.

...what are you doing?

so, what brings you to our shrine anyhow? is it customary to earn a barony by pillaging? come on man, start acting the part.

By weapon you mean the halberd, right, not that tube (as some sort of massive projectile launcher)?

In either case, you do have a dagger or two, right? A backup for close quarters is something you almost never regret.

>>346842
I'll have you know pillaging is an ancient and time honored tradition of nobility.

Couple a facts you oughta know, Baron Harold James.
>we are permanently sexually repressed, due to having a libido but having no output for it due to being ghostly. This fuels much of our madness and drive for our hosts to get laid.
>we are excellent at number-crunching and making profit.
>we do not like slavery or serfdom.
>if you put your foot down about something or another we keep bothering you about, we will go with your wishes with little distress, except for one or two hanger ons.
can you hear this?

Harold James 2011/09/12(Mon)20:18 No. 348043 ID: 801747
File 131588392931.jpg - (66.54KB , 640x616 , image.jpg )

You're asking me if there's magic? Ok... Magic is reasonably common, though many believe it's not as powerful as it was in days of old and I tend to agree.

Common weapons include... well, it depends on what you're trying to do. Swords, axes... knives, clubs... pikes, spears... bows, crossbows... There are more ways to kill people than I can even count, let alone remember. Magic isn't used as much in war as it once was. Ballistae and cannons are a lot more cost-effective than war mages.

Long distance travel and communication are limited to horses, carriages, and telegraph for all but the wealthy, and even those aren't cheap.

>>348043
Magic isn't used much in warfare? What about invisibility, illusions, giant growth, raising the dead, all that kind of thing?

What exactly is it that you're carrying around with you there?

Harold James 2011/09/12(Mon)21:06 No. 348072 ID: 801747
File 131588677624.jpg - (39.04KB , 784x616 , image.jpg )

This is a pillar I used to wedge open a trap. I'd leave it there, but I need it to get back across this pit. My weapon of choice is my halberd... guisarme-voulge... bardiche.... glaive?......

Well, whatever it's called, it is quite useful. And yes, I have some knives, too, and a crossbow for long range. I prefer not to kill people, but in this business one has to be practical.

Speaking of which, I thought you'd have figured out why I came here. I told you I was a freelance archeologist. There's quite a bit of history down here, and just because it's priceless doesn't mean I can't sell it for something.

You ought name your weapon so that when someone asks you what it is you can just say "This is Amelia" or something. It ought have a female name, to note.

Is that pillar that you have been casually hauling around made of solid stone? (And even if it is wood, the pillar has got to be heavy if it is solid enough to hold a trap open.)
Are you naturally that strong or do you have useful magic items as well as now having us?

now that is odd. in most worlds you don't start to see telegraphs until well after steam power(when water turns to stem it expands, and you can harness that expansion as a power source with the right techniques) and riffles(small very accurate hand held cannons). are mages in any way used to operate the telegraphs?

>>348075

this. also, repeat after me:

this is my halberd. there are many like it, but this one is mine.

my halberd is my best friend. tt is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.

my halberd, without me, is useless. without my halberd, I am useless. I must swing my halberd true. I must swing straighter than my enemy who is trying to kill me. I must cut him before he cuts me. I will...

Harold James 2011/09/13(Tue)00:04 No. 348185 ID: 801747
File 131589749492.jpg - (38.51KB , 784x616 , image.jpg )

Y'know, naming my weapon is a really good idea. It gives it personality, which gives me personality. So, Amelia, huh? I'll need a story for her. Can you guys handle that for me?

Yep, this thing is solid stone. My bracer is connected to a tree outside. It won't work for too much longer, but this should be the last time I need it in here.

Steam never seemed terribly effective to me, but it's out there. Not sure why you'd need it for a telegraph, though; that's just two linked books. Not operated by a mage, usually, but they make and maintain them.

And I never said magic wasn't used much in war, just not as much, and for good reasons. Illusions are just as easily countered as they are created. Training soldiers is so much simpler than making zombies or golems, and constructs are stupid to boot. Magical tools and weapons aren't rare, but they mostly show up when some noble takes a liking to a war hero... or tries to make himself out as one.

...and I like Amelia, here, but I don't like her that much.

steam power can be used to generate electricity (basically tamed lightning) and electricity is whats most telegraphs we have seen use. though it sounds like what you have is something entirely diffident. just so you know if you ever find your self with a month or two to kill we could probably help you invent something that would be worth a decent amount of money. but for now what can you tell use about this ruin?

now see, saying "constructs are stupid" and assuming always that will result in a SMART one showing up and kicking you ass. never tempt fate.
also constructs don't HAVE to be war only. you could program one to till a field and it will do that until told to stop. and since it never needs to sleep and never slows down it will get a HUGE area of land ready. so you can get more food then regular folk alone ever could. and with a constant demand for constructs that can work the ones who make them will start actively making them better so that eventually they can run the farm alone. and outfit them with good self defence they would never be taken by a raider.

anyway, Amelia. what FACTS would other people know about her? don't want someone showing up and calling us out on the story because they know the truth.

Best way to talk about Amelia is to have someone ask about it. Or rather, her. Y'know, like "So what kind of weapon is that, there?" And that's when you smile in a kind of not-right manner and say "Oh this? This here's Amelia. I tell ya, friend, when I first saw her... well it was love at first sight. And more than one man's tried to get between her and me, but, well, let's just say that Amelia's kisses aren't too pretty."

Also what're you talking about in regards to your bracer? Connected to a tree? You need to elaborate and/or explain.

Also, let's cut it with the euphemistic lingo. By 'freelance archaeologist' you basically mean a treasure hunter, a tomb raider, thing like that? Don't worry about us blabbing any secrets. It doesn't look as if we're bound to any physical object so it's not as if we might end up in the heads of the next person you wander up to. Or maybe we might. Hard to say, really.

have you found anything around here that might tell us something about ourselves? because I for one don't have a goddamn clue.

>>348186
You want me to break out Maxwell's equations for that? Because I totally will.

Mages. Pah. We're better than mages in the long term. Mages wither, die, lose priceless knowledge, and have a tendency to go completely batshit.

We know anything you need to know about how to make machines that could replace magic easily. Any time you wanna overthrow the mage's communication monopoly? Just call us...

>>348796
Bah, you are too optimistic. Technology's place is in infrastructure and support, but Magic is where the real money is at. The biggest commissions from the governments and wealthy private groups won't go to the project that will provide instantaneous results five years into the future, but the one that provides really fast results in the now.

>>348831
the real smart move is to use both. technology works great on its own and so does magic but baring some sort of tech disruption rule in the local magic system (more common than one would think) technology and magic work very well together.

>>348835
If the magic is rules driven and not memetically sympathetic or totemic, or some bullshit that isn't based on an overall set of rules.

>>348894
Enchanted items (like that glove he has) are already a form of technology (as devices made using known principles to perform specific functions).
"Any sufficiently analyzed magic is indistinguishable from science!"— Agatha Heterodyne

Harold James 2011/09/14(Wed)23:30 No. 348966 ID: 801747
File 131606824405.jpg - (78.26KB , 784x616 , image.jpg )

Bringing magic down a couple notches and breaking monopolies sounds great in theory, but it's not likely to get me a good name with anyone that has actual power. Most nobles don't take kindly to the undermining of the status quo unless it gives them a better position. Since I'm trying, in theory, to get into someone's good graces, we should table that idea for now.

And my bracer? Well, it's an interesting one. Now, I can't really explain how the magic works. I know how to use magic items, not how they work. However, I understand the mechanics of it: I find a good-looking tree, and then I, my horse, and my mule pull on it and bend it. Then I hook up the tree to this rod that's the other side of the bracer, magically. The bent tree pulls against that, and the bracer converts that pull into force when I need it. Just eventually, the tree rights itself and it stops working.

...so it stores force?

could make you a mobile bendable rod. would let you use it anywhere. and perhaps last a lot longer then a tree

Harold James 2011/09/15(Thu)00:56 No. 349005 ID: 801747
File 131607338064.jpg - (85.40KB , 784x616 , image.jpg )

In terms of where we are, this is a dwarven fortification from a long time ago. From the stories, it seems that it was on the losing side of an orcish siege. The dwarves inside couldn't get out to get more supplies, and eventually starved to death in here. However, the place was so booby-trapped that the orcs couldn't get in either. Accordingly, this place got a reputation of being impenetrable. The only people crazy enough to try to get in weren't smart enough to not get themselves killed. Until I showed up.

Unfortunately I don't know much about you all. The room you were in was some sort of shrine, which isn't that unusual in a fort like this. However, the artifact you... were in?... didn't look dwarven. In fact, I didn't really recognize the workmanship at all. That's part of why it looked so valuable. So yeah, I definitely screwed up, there. The room itself might have had some information, but I'm not exactly fluent in old dwarven script.

you know, this may be easier if we make some high explosives and just destroy the traps.

>>349005
Didn't you come through this room already? Why check the traps again? Oh, I guess maybe you didn't memorize the positions. That's kindof hard since there are so many tiles, and it looks like you don't have anything to mark them with.

...how did you pass through this room before? It looks like if you step on *any* of the tiles that activate the trap, the whole room fills with whirling death. Since you can't test all the tiles from safety... well, how do you know where to step?

Harold James 2011/09/15(Thu)01:14 No. 349013 ID: 801747
File 131607446116.jpg - (84.64KB , 784x616 , image.jpg )

Go, go, go!

Ok, uh, bracer… doesn't store force exactly, the tree does. The bracer and the rod outside just… transfer that. Something else to store the force would… well I use a tree so I don't need to bring anything more.

And yeah, this room is a fun one. Every tile is a pressure plate. Goddamned dwarves. They probably had a way around or something, some other halls are caved in. Running while it's resetting works, though.

No blowing stuff up. It just complicates everything. With things like cave-ins.

you should try storing force in Amelia.

>>349013
That... That is totally something I would have ordered dwarves to do.
Maybe we were their leaders or something?

>>349021
That's crazy enough to be true.

guys, guys, guys, we are an adventurer in dwarf fortress.

we are going to die

>>349021
>>349022
No, no, if we were their leaders we would have been having them rig up rooms with outrageous amounts of explosiv- wait, the cave-ins. You know, you might be on to something here.

Honest question: Which is more important to you: Power or Title? Because honestly with the application of tech and magic nobility will eventually become... obsolete unless there are some extenuating circumstances. You may want to aim for being rich, therefor powerful, without the title.

Who uses Giant Axe Blades? Large Serrated Disks are where it is at. (Or Menacing Spikes. You can never have too many Menacing Spikes.)

So force on the anchor becomes force on the glove. What if you attached the anchor to the glove, so force pushing downwards on the glove is transferred to force pushing upwards on it?

Wait, force transfer? Get a huge spring. Compress it with the glove action. Clamp spring close. Bam! Uber punch at your beck and call when you release the spring. Only down side is potential shattering of bones.

>>349026
>dwarf fortress
Well, in that case let's just hope no Demons are on the prowl.
Say, Harold, you haven't seen any... Adamantium around, have you?

Harold James 2011/09/19(Mon)22:39 No. 350615 ID: 801747
File 131649714118.jpg - (85.19KB , 616x784 , image.jpg )

You know, a lot of these ideas for storing and using force with my bracer have some serious problems. I don't really use it for striking things since I broke my wrist about half a year back. People aren't really able to withstand impacts like that, whichever side of the hit we're on. A spring could work, but that's basically why I use a tree. Same sort of thing but I don't need to carry it around. If I got one that's tuned just right, though, that could be-

Harold James 2011/09/19(Mon)22:40 No. 350616 ID: 801747
File 131649724147.jpg - (78.82KB , 688x784 , image.jpg )

"Wait, what the hell? You mean you bastards are to blame for this gigantic underground death trap? Why would you even do that? You don't expect me to believe this was practical, do you?"

Wait, no, this is good. If you ordered them to build this stuff, you can tell me where-

JUMP BACK HALF A STEP!

Harold James 2011/09/19(Mon)22:42 No. 350618 ID: 801747
File 131649733826.jpg - (92.23KB , 688x784 , image.jpg )

"Ffffffff-"

now THAT was pure bad luck.
and we know the general reasoning behind the way these things are built but not an exact blueprint. a very well made fort could have items of such power that a single one is worth more then a king's ransom. talking artifact adamantite swords studded with gems and menacing with spikes that can cut a demon in half like a hot knife through butter. so yeah, they sometimes have things that need this much security.

>>350618
Jeez, are you okay?

We're saying we may have told these guys to put traps everywhere and in crazy ways but we don't remember anything so this is in fact pretty useless conjecture!

But yeah, stonefall traps in front of doors is pretty smart. Or that could've been luck I guess.

That was the worst stonefall trap I've seen yet. If a REAL dwarf made that trap, it would have brought the entire building down on you. Uh, not that we'd know. Haha.

Are you okay? That looked like it hurt.

Only ONE brick? Either this place is falling apart or that was just a distraction.

People here are talking out of their asses. They're making assumptions based off of what you told us but we really don't know anything more about ANYTHING other than EXACTLY what you've told us. Maybe some of these theories turn out to be correct but we don't actually know shit, we just have a thousand voices each mapping out various possibilities... one of them is bound to be correct. A broken clock is right twice a day and all that.

ouch man you might want to get yourself checked for some sort of bad luck curse.

as for your question if we created this place, we are a small number of voices drawn from a very large pool. they might have had something similar to what you have but with a different set of voices. though we probably are similar enough that I can take a stab at there reasoning. depending on when the traps where built its possible they were meant to deny the orks any meaningful gain from there victory. or it could have simply been the last bunch of crazy head voices focusing on one thing. we don't have quite the same connection to reality as normal creatures so sometimes we do stuff that is kinda crazy. usually our host keeps that in check. but if the last group of voices was tied to say, a mad architect. you would get something like a sprawling death maze.

>>350628
Actually, dwarven stone-fall traps are kind of useless like that. Those are not to be confused with cave-in traps, which drop the entire ceiling and can kill pretty-much anything.
In any case, I know I wasn't in charge of these traps, as giant axe blades are inefficient and slightly tacky.

Harold James 2011/09/29(Thu)21:17 No. 354073 ID: 801747
File 131735625865.jpg - (61.77KB , 688x784 , image.jpg )

"Hrrrnnngg"

Yeow! Well, thanks for the warning I guess. Would have been helpful indeed. Looks like I'll have to start learning when to listen to you. Massive labyrinthine fortress filled with wonders of mechanical death, and I get tripped up by a broken tile and a loose brick.

Jeera's Hairy Uncle that hurts...

Any time. We don't actually know what happens when our host dies, so we'll make sure to keep an eye out for anything else.

So, you're okay, right? It hurts to get something like that dropped on your head. I think.

peek into the hole it left. maybe there is a reason it came loose?

Don't you talk about Jeera's Hairy Uncle like that. He's a fine man and you should be ashamed of yourself for insinuating... whatever it was that you just insinuated.

Harold James 2011/09/29(Thu)22:41 No. 354139 ID: 801747
File 131736130989.jpg - (59.64KB , 688x784 , image.jpg )

I think I'm all right, but give me a moment... Doesn't feel like a break, but it sure is bleeding like a head wound... I should put this away.

I don't actually believe in Jeera, that's just one of my favorite blasphemies. I didn't mean to offend any possible friends of her uncle.

And... the hole? Sure, I guess there could be something there, it is a bit hard to see past my hat. Let's have a look.

Harold James 2011/09/29(Thu)22:44 No. 354141 ID: 801747
File 131736148582.jpg - (60.66KB , 688x784 , image.jpg )

Dink.

>>354141
It would be just like us to make a trap that starts with a single brick and then dumps the whole ceiling on you.

Yeah... I think it would be best if you leave quickly and carefully, before the lava shows up

MAGIC RING!!

You see what happens when you speak ill of Jeera's Uncle? The gods call you a Dink.

>>354141

WATCH OUT IT'S A STONE-FALL TRAP

Trap rule #7: When in doubt, roll left.

Harold James 2011/10/03(Mon)23:00 No. 355755 ID: 801747
File 131770804193.jpg - (71.74KB , 688x784 , image.jpg )

Left. Move. OK.

Uh... It doesn't look like the ceiling is going anywhere. Or if it is, not anytime soon.

But there is a SHINY. Get ye SHINY.

sweet. i guess it wasn't a trap, just a loose brick because something was behind it. check it out.

Oh, that was a RING that fell on your face. Not a rock. I suppose you got some instant karma from being hit on the fucking head.

Harold James 2011/10/04(Tue)00:36 No. 355768 ID: 801747
File 131771377764.jpg - (66.58KB , 784x688 , image.jpg )

Well, it definitely looks like a ring, magic or not, so it's bound to be of some value. Especially if a dwarf hid it in the ceiling.

But I like the idea of leaving. We're just about there now.

cool. also be careful. it could be cursed. but i doubt it.

Know any way to identify rings? I guess it could just be a mundane ring.

Harold James 2011/10/10(Mon)21:52 No. 357401 ID: 801747
File 131830877629.jpg - (99.16KB , 838x653 , image.jpg )

Well, of course. Never done a magical item without knowing what it does. That's, uh, Rule #3 I think.

Alright, one last room.

I will be surprised if that grate goes not slam down once you go through it.
Still, it looks like the only route available.

Yo ho, yo ho, it's off to town we go~

Harold James 2011/10/10(Mon)23:05 No. 357413 ID: 801747
File 131831310751.jpg - (106.11KB , 838x653 , image.jpg )

Oh, don't worry about the grate. This is the front door. Theoretically there's a guard that lets you through. That means there's always someone to man the fort and nobody can get past here without permission. There's nobody around, so I had to let myself in.

Of course, there are other ways in. This is just the safest.

yes, put it a little too close to the bars, but still the idea is sound.

Harold James 2011/10/11(Tue)01:03 No. 357425 ID: 801747
File 131832023130.jpg - (183.92KB , 1054x869 , image.jpg )

"Ah, fresh air."

You guys seem to be getting quieter, or less numerous at the very least. Do you think that has something to do with us leaving? Or did some of you get stuck in my hat somehow?

Well, that concludes Chapter 0 of So You Want To Be A Baron. We'll start up Chapter 1 some time within the next week. Still not entirely sure whether anyone else is enjoying this, but we're having fun and that's all that matters.

it's an activity thing. most only appear when you look like you could use the advice or if they have questions. navigating a door you already used isn't much of a advice area.

>>357426
I like the characterization.

>>357426
I like it and have been watching with interest. I'll admit however, I generally don't begin suggesting in a quest's first chapter for fear the author will get bored within a few frames and abandon it.

Also, may I say, art is quite detailed for usual /quest/ fare, this pleases me.