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Singing Chips
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“Pick up those books, wolfie,” I say to Dixie. “This terrible showing’s convinced me that you three are in desperate need of some self-improvement. I’m gonna give you three sad sacks some purpose in life. Dixie, you’re now officially in charge of carrying my brother Cadmus’s books around for him. No, don’t bother re-buttoning that shirt, you look better like that.”
Dixie, flustered, stops re-buttoning her blouse and gapes at me. She looks to Candi. “C-can you do that?”
“Of course I can,” I say. “Who’s gonna say no? You? These two? The Dean? Your parents?”
No one speaks up, but then I realize there is someone who could tell me I can’t do that: my parents. And Dad would probably not approve of my gift to Cadmus if these servants aren’t entirely voluntary.
“Ahem,” I clear my throat. “But if my brother says he’s uncomfortable with it, then of course you’re free to stop serving him. So make sure you do it nice and make sure he’s living his best life. For example, Cadmus needs to be social and not such a shut-in. Blue-haired shorty, you’re his girlfriend now.”
“W-what?!” Candi blushes a deep red. “R-really?”
“No, not really,” I scoff. “His standards are way too high for you. Did you honestly think I was serious? You’re so full of yourself, thinking a dragon would date you. No, what you’re gonna do is try your best to make him fall in love with you by dragging him everywhere and begging for his attention when he studies too long and needs to, like, get a life. Your job is to fall head-over-heels in unrequited love and make sure he doesn’t turn into a total bookwyrm.”
“This is just like my, uh… sacred texts!” Pi says, a little too enthusiastically.
“Books? Bah,” I say, “You don’t need those. You wanna get a man, you go out and get him. Fantasy boys are for losers.”
“Not all of us can walk around naked and grab a man whenever we want…”
“You don’t know very much about lizardfolk fashion, do you?” I tap my chest and crotch armor. “Nobody’s stopping you from wearing the same. You wanna hang around dragons, no one’ll bat an eye if you dress like Cadmus does. Though, you probably aren’t rich enough to wear dragon fashion. You three would make him look better if you dressed the part of kobold servants to his dragon master. Because, duh, that’s what you are.”
“I like my sweaters,” Pi mumbles. “Do kobolds wear sweaters? I don’t want to wear a loincloth...”
“How do you nerds keep finding ways to piss me off?!” I say, giving Pi shove. “I have a sister, Kayk, that’s just as curvy as you and she’s got no problem walking around without a sweater. Are you calling my sister ugly?”
“No!” Pi squeaks.
“Then I don’t want to hear one more negative word about those extra pounds of yours,” I say with finality. “UNLESS you plan on fighting some dudes, in which case yes, jiggles, you’d need to shape up. But that’s why you weaklings need to serve dragons! Just let your betters handle the fighting.” Unless that dragon is my little brother Jekster, but I don’t mention that.
What kobold fashion should I insist they wear? If I wrap these nerd presents right, Cadmus will appreciate the gift I’m giving him.
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