Phillip Dollarfield Doesn't Care About Saving The Princess

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Phillip Dollarfield Doesn't Care About Saving The Princess by PM

Phillip Dollarfield Doesn't Care About Saving The Princess is a text quest about trying to be cool.

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Phillip Dollarfield Doesn't Care About Saving The Princess is a text quest following the adventures of Dale Pennymeadow and his crew of social outcasts as they attempt to become cool, defeat the famous Phillip Dollarfield (the apparent chosen one meant to save the princess of the land) and save the princess (whom most people agree can only be saved by Phillip Dollarfield). It is up to Dale's paranoid and potentially unwell psyche to help him complete these goals (or not) in order to save the land.


Main Characters:

Dale Pennymeadow Dale is a social outcast living in a small house on the outskirts of a backwater village who no cares to remember the name of. Though always "low-born", at one point in his life he was partners with the famous Phillip Dollarfield, and presumably fought vampires in a team of hunters. However, at some point between then and now, Dale quit the team, lost his vampire hunting license, and subsequently lost whatever respect and coolness he may have had before. Dale defends his village from vampires, but must keep his skills a secret to the village due to his lack of a license. He appears to be incredibly paranoid about supernatural threats, and is not afraid of hurting others. Dale uses a variety of weapons, talents, and spells to fight, such as his stake and hammer, deception, or his favorite spell Vine Whip. Now, Dale has been ordered by the king to get the gang back together (or at least Phillip) and help save the princess, but being an anti-authoritarian with serious paranoia issues, he has begun his own quest to assassinate Phillip Dollarfield and kill as many vampires as he can. And maybe save the princess. Or just feed her to Janet.

Likes: Blood Bananas, Sheep, Anti-Authority Hates: Vampires, Asshole Neighbors

Janet Affectionately known as the village psychopath, Janet is a little girl who believes she is a werewolf (and after being bitten by a wolf-man and drinking his blood, is now a junior Hairwolf). She speaks in long winded and nonsensical sentences and is shunned by the rest of society for her behavior. Dale recruited Janet in his confused quest to confront Phillip Dollarfield, and from then on has been a loyal companion. This has not been good for her sanity, but it has been good for her developing murder-skills, with kills ranging from daggers to her bare claws. She likes to ride around on Dale's head.

Likes: Werewolves Hates: Being Insulted

Suzy Janet's one and only friend before Dale, Suzy is an early teen girl who likes to pretend that she is a vampire / mermaid / something. Unlike Janet, she speaks generally clear, but has some confidence issues. Suzy is obsessed with drawing original characters and reading comic books. Suzy joined Dale's quest out of a desire for fantastical adventures. She has proven adept with a bow, has learned powerful magics, and is generally the archer/cleric of the group. She likes to ride around on Dale's back.

Ryan Rockstone A local bard and entertainer from Snickersberg, Ryan is a very relaxed man who seems to simply enjoy playing his guitar (though he also knows how to play a ukulele). Dale and company were able to retrieve his guitar from the local goblin city. Out of a desire to be part of a band, he joined Dale's gang. As the bard, his songs are literally magical and can buff the party (in terms of strength, speed, or endurance) or stun the enemy with disturbing 'sexy songs'. He likes to ride on Dale's chest.

Support Characters:

Don The Druid A smelly old man and follower of druidic teachings, Don lives in the woods, taking care of nature and rejecting all coolness that comes his way. He is an enemy of Chumbles the wizard, as Chumbles keeps sending people to take Don's plants for his own magical pursuits. He helped Dale learn certain druidic spells and fought along the gang's side to take down a gang of drunken hunters. Don does not enjoy teaching druidic spells to people with high coolness levels, as he believes being cool goes directly against the will of nature.

Likes: Nature, his pet wolf Hates: Coolness



Phillip Dollarfield The apparent chosen one meant to save the princess from whatever forces captured her in the first place, not much is currently known about Phillip other than the gossip that peasants have mentioned and the claims that Dale makes regarding him. Phillip is said to have unnaturally large testicles, but more importantly, Dale believes that Phillip became a vampire many years ago, and does not want to save the princess because he would be forced to marry her and would be unable to give her a child due to his current state. Phillip was known to be the much more charismatic team member when working alongside Dale. The king ordered Dale to recruit Phillip, but due to Phillip's betrayal of mankind (maybe), Dale has taken it upon himself to end the bloodsucking bastard once and for all. As a result, Phillip Dollarfield is the main antagonist.

Bagül A wealthy vampire enthusiast living in a mansion in the woods, Bagül wished to gain respect from vampire-kind by pretending to be a vampire and throwing a huge party for vampires in order to make actual vampire friends. To do this, he disguised himself as a vampire, had his butler create a system of magical runes to form spooky fog around his home, and captured a raging vampire to learn more about vampires at the cost of the lives of almost all his servants. However, he didn't expect Dale and his crew to learn about his plans, murder his butler (who probably wasn't inviting vampires to the mansion at all), kill the captured vampire (who escaped the basement and almost killed him), and then take him prisoner. Bagül was arrested under charges of multiple homicides, but as there was little evidence at his mansion it's possible he may be released in the future. Bagül has no fighting skills, but was the major antagonist of Chapter 1 (due to his responsibility for holding and feeding a vampire).

Cindy An apostate druid with a coolness complex. She was Don's apprentice, but was expelled for attempting to derive Cool Druid spells, which are an insult to the Druid occupation and extremely unstable. Crimes include drugging people who stick their [stick] in mysterious fence holes, an illegal drug ring, an illegally grown forest, city-wide arson, and multiple homicides by magic tree. The last two were accidents.

Likes: Coolness

Bystanders, Wanderers, and Assholes:

Jacob Ladder Dale's neighbor. He's a dick.

Bobble Dingle A citizen of the village Dale lives in. He hired Dale to retrieve his money sack from bandits, teach them a lesson, and promised an even larger money sack in return. The former money sack was actually his rock collection, and the latter money sack had five coins. Dale was really tempted to bash his face in with the rocks.

Bandit Party A small band of wandering bandits in the forest who took Bobble Dingle's rock collection. Dale and Janet probably did more damage than they deserved, seeing as how one of them threw up three times. And two of them are dead.

Janet's Mom An apathetic citizen of Dale's village. She really screwed up at raising Janet.

Doctor Dario The resident doctor of Dale's village. Somehow, Dale has managed to use his services on a frequent basis without revealing his identity as a vampire hunter. Dario has a disturbing practice of offering to replace nipples.

Terrifying Spook The first spook enemy of the quest. Dale's team managed to disturb the spook into leaving.

Snickersberg Innkeeper A chubby woman with bright red hair. She thinks Janet is adorable and is friends with Ryan.

Poacher Party A trio of drunk poachers wandering out at night for something to kill. Don didn't like them skitting around all the time and ordered a hit from Dale's party. When the poachers accidentally shot Janet (which was a gambit to make them realize that shooting things in the dark while drunk could get bystanders killed), they decided on 'no witnesses'. Dale's party and Don murdered them in self defense, and took their bows and arrows.

Gloria Ploop An old lady selling cookies as a fundraiser to hire Phillip Dollarfield to do his job. Dale and company bought some cookies and a dagger from her. She's not the best cook / salesman ever, the cookies had too much sugar and the dagger shouldn't have been for sale.

Goblin City Feared by the local Snickersberg population, these goblins are actually nice and don't want to kill anyone. Especially since they are ahead on the technological curve but still take on casualties from angry citizens. Dale's party caught them in the middle of a celebration for 90 days without any adventuring parties. Dale broke this lucky streak with his antics to retrieve the guitar stolen by Tuner, but refused to kill anyone for the sake of a guitar. Notable members include the goblin patrol guard, the goblin king, and the local band 'Tuner and the Tunnettes'.

A Wandering Werewolf Decided to eat Dale's party. Got beaten to near-death. Janet eagerly threw herself into his jaws, contracting hair-based lycanthropy, and then drank his blood to increase her inner hairwolf.

Pinchly Traveling Circus A fantastic circus holding a dark secret. Clowns flock to them in hopes of learning Ninja Clown secrets, only to be forcefully injected with Spook Blood and shackled with increasingly unpayable debts for the blood, enslaving them to the circus. Those that escape are chased by bounty hunters, as the circus will pay a fortune to keep their secret silenced. Notable members include Bobo (guard) and Pinchly Bottom (owner).

Bounty Hunter A bounty hunter who was chasing a clown escapee. He has a small garden of blood berries in his backyard, which he eats as snacks. He offered Dale his blood berries (which Dale needed to pay Chumbles for the magic lessons), and in turn Dale saved his life from the clown.

Runaway Clown A clown who was escaping the circus. He told Dale the circus' secret in exchange for letting him go. Dale offered to refer him to an exorcist, but he needed the Spook Blood to escape the circus.

The Butler Bagül's butler. One wonders why he continued to serve his insane master, as he has expert martial arts skill, dislikes Bagül's vampire antics, and used Bagül as a weapon. Dale decided to throw him to the vampire.

Bagül's Vampire captive Bagül trapped this vampire using the fog system in his estate. He hungered for revenge (and the victims that Bagül fed him) until Dale's antics stalled Bagül and The Butler long enough for him to break loose. Dale pretended to gain his sympathy as an unsuspecting vampire enthusiast (pointing out that Bagül, enthusiastic as he was, was a dick) and prompted him to leave while the fog was still out. Then Dale pressed the "Turn Off Vampire-Sustaining Anti-Sunlight Fog" button. His last words were "You assholes".

Chumbles A wizard of Snickersberg. He taught Ryan the 'Awful Familiar' spell in exchange for some blood berries

Fishman Resistance Party A group of disgruntled fishmen who didn't like Coasterberg taking over their beaches and ruining their fishing spots. They mistake Dale's party for Coasterberg citizens and attack. Dale was paranoid enough to plan for a sneak attack and had Janet dig holes which Dale covered with planks and seaweed, while Don placed defensive tree structures underground in the event of an underground attack. The fishmen were quickly neutralized and spared, and forced to spend the night in the holes waiting for the tide to get them out. Unfortunately for the fishmen, some of them were killed by Cindy's unstable tree growth spell.

Sensational Soul Spirits Temple A small cloister temple in Coasterberg dedicated to the Spirits. Followers are encouraged to sacrifice their Cool Points in exchange for formidable spells, the strongest of which can mind-control an enemy temporarily.

Priest Percy A priest of the temple. He helped teach Dale and Suzy the Convert spell.

Nun A nun of the temple. She was addicted to Cindy's sap drug.

Violent Hippies Cindy's drugged thralls. Their motto was "Peace or Die; fuck with us and we'll kick your ass!", so Dale and Suzy converted some of them and forced them to fight each other, picking off the stronger ones in the process. Only two survived, and one of them helped Dale and company back to Coasterberg.